Strange Happenings in the Examination Room

“I’m not sure what I’m looking at.”
 
I’m going to kill him. I told him to bring over edible lube. As usual, he didn’t. As usual, he said he was going to do something and he didn’t. Now I’m sitting at the oncologist’s office for my pre-admission work up for my thyroidectomy and I’ve got to explain what it is.
 
“I’ve done thousands of these scopes and I’ve never seen anything like this before.”
 
Of course you haven’t. That’s because you haven’t had a patient like me before, that’s why. The next time I see Maxwell I’m putting my foot down. No more therapy sessions unless he brings edible lube. I don’t care what he says, obviously it wasn’t the right thing to use. Maybe I should say something to the doctor. What if this prevents me from having surgery? Well, I can’t say anything with this scope down my throat. I’ll have to wait until he’s finished.
 
“It looks like there’s a thick film of some unknown substance on the roof of your mouth. It goes down the back of your throat quite a ways. It’s so peculiar.” I tried and tried to brush it off. The toothpaste didn’t help at all. I even picked at it with my fingernail. Nope. Nada. It wasn’t budging.  
 
The surgeon removed the scope and sat back in his chair with his arms crossed in front of his chest while I put my glasses back on. He’s a doctor. I’m sure he’s heard all kinds of strange stories before.
 
“I’m going to be honest with you, Dr. Simms. It’s coconut oil.”
 
“It’s what?”
 
“Coconut oil.”
 
He stared at me blankly for a few moments and then asked me like he was very sure he was going to be afraid of the answer, “why is there a thick film of coconut oil coating your throat?”
 
“My mouth gets too dry when performing oral sex.”
 
“How much did you use?”
 
“I have no idea.”
 
“How can you not know?”
 
“I just kept using it. My mouth kept getting dry.”
 
He cocked his head to the side and thought for a moment. “About how many times did you reapply the coconut oil?”
 
“I don’t remember.”
 
“How could you not remember?” I could tell he was getting frustrated. I didn’t want to have to be as honest as I was about to be.
 
“I lost track of time after the second hour.” I watched his face and the uncomfortable shift of his body as he changed position in his chair. It happens every time with a male doctor. Not the female doctors, they give me a slight smile, as if to say you go girl. But the male doctors? They’re thinking something else entirely. Oh, the coconut oil thing hasn’t come up before, this is a first for this one, but the amount of time I spend pleasing a man has, believe it or not. Maxwell laughs because I’m so open with my doctors but they’re doctors. My body is their job. I pay them for this. So, I had to give him the blank face and stare directly into his eyes to end this nonsense.
 
“You think it’s okay? Am I still going to be able to have surgery?” I’m going to kill Maxwell with my bare hands.
 
“Yes, yes you will. Everything’s right on schedule. It’s a natural lubricant. It will wear off by the time you have your surgery next week.” He sure is turning red for a Black man. And I know it’s not hot in here so that’s not the reason for him to be loosening the top button on his shirt like that.
 
“Okay, Dr. Simms. Thank you.” Not only am I going  to kill Maxwell, I’m going to make him pay…