no surrender

For months now  
I've been feeling everything  
like I opened a door  
to another world  
and now I can't tell what's mine  
or yours  
or theirs  
or anyone's  
 
And all I want  
is for you to take my hand  
and let me bleed all over  
the purity of your skin  
while you hold me  
my head against your chest  
fingers tangled in my hair  
and whisper sweet nothings  
about how everything  
is going to be alright  
because I don't know  
what else to do  
 
The meds don't work anymore  
and I can't numb myself  
back into something  
that feels like normal  
and I'm not sure I'm meant to  
 
And I want  
... I want  
things I can't have  
I want people  
...I can't have  
I want eyes  
and lips  
and hands  
that don't belong  
to the one I'm with  
though he loves me  
better than you could  
fucks me better  
than (I think) you could  
 
But I understand this obsession  
isn't about love  
or lust  
 
I understand this obsession  
is about surrender  
and how the world tilts  
when I'm with you  
your body and soul a shield  
against the storm  
raging through my heart  
that bleeds and bleeds and bleeds  
until I am nothing but emptiness  
and red dust on the floor  
 
For months now  
I've been feeling  
 
everything