crushed cookies

14 of 30
 
 
she used to look at me like she hated me
...my mother's mother...
wanted to erase my existence from her reality
mom always said it was all in my head
...that I was just being too sensitive
{I got that a lot growing up...}
until one holiday when I was 15
that woman sent a box of presents
lovely wrapped packages for mom & my sister
...complete with shimmery bows & pretty labels
each of them receiving warm fluffy robes
{they even had big pockets!}
...& matching slippers for them both
purple for my sister & dark blue for my mother
mom kept digging into the styrofoam peanut packing
looking for something addressed to me
at the bottom...slightly crushed
no fancy paper...no shiny label
...4 pinwheel cookies in a ziploc
simple strip of masking tape bearing my name
...hastily scribbled...afterthought kind of thing
mom's face went as white as a sheet
& then immediately bloomed red
...my mother was so upset
she tried to give me her own beautiful gift
but I refused to take it
{I have to say...
to this day I detest those cookies}
a hard day for mom...unexpected lessons
she could no longer deny it
my grandmother made no effort at all to hide it
{there's a certain amount of twisted respect
for such blatant shameless honesty}
over time I grew accustomed to her anger & nasty looks
actually avoided her whenever I could
until alzheimers removed consistent recognition
...making it marginally safer
& I'd go with mom to visit
staying near the door & watching her warily
ready to retreat as soon as I saw that spark of memory
as the blank stare turned into a glare
hatred oozing from her sunken sockets
& I'd quietly slip away
{I used to wonder if it wasn't all that loathing
& not the cancer that finally got her
a different kind of disease eating her
...inside out...}
you see...
I reminded her too much of my father
a fact she apparently she never forgot
...her loss
my mother's greatest joy was her mother's deepest resentment
the only time mom ever defied her
she held that bitter bile until the day she died
going to her grave still hating me
...& all I represented