The Birthday Party

I ordered my own birthday cake
I even bought balloons
Invited friends and family
The party starts at noon

I broke up with my boyfriend
Actually he just dumped me
He couldn’t understand my mind
He asked to be set free

My tiny old apartment
Didn’t have a lot of space
I put out food to snack on
Afraid it’ll go to waste

My mom called first to cancel
After that it was my sister
One by one, they dwindled
My best friend too, I’d miss her

I set up streamers on the wall
Even though no one would come
I shove the candles in the cake
It never started, day was done

I go out to the back porch
I reflect upon the day
This doesn’t mean that I’m not loved
Just not important in a way

The candles lit, I let them burn
Let the wax pool on the cake
I cannot make a wish like this
Sing to myself it’s a mistake

I don’t finish the chorus
I don’t finish the song
I sit there as the cake it melts
This ice cream cake I’ve longed

I sit as it drips, so I cut a slice
It’s been sitting there since noon
I just wanna celebrate myself
I pull it close and grab a spoon

I take a bite, begin to cry
I ordered me a birthday gift
I waited but it never came
The icing on this day of shit

The doorbell rings and I get up
I wipe away tears from my face
My neighbor shows up with a box
They left my gift over at his place

He looks behind over my shoulder
Then he asks what I’m celebrating
I tell it’s my birthday party
I become nervous, heart is racing

I invite him in for a slice
I even offer him some food
I make a plate with Tupperware
Now not alone, lifted my mood

He lives across the hallway
I’ve always thought he was so cute
We talked a bit and awkwardly
I stopped my talking, became mute

He stared at me, did he figure out
I’ve been here alone all day?
Does he see the remnants of my tears?
Or that he made them go away?

He didn’t ask, he made small talk
Is he pretending he can’t tell?
I go to speak and smile instead
I try to hide that I’m not well

If I open up this loaded mouth
I will break down, this is a fact
I’ll say things that I might regret
I’m trying hard to stay intact

He said he couldn’t stay much
Was already running late
He took the food and said goodbye
After dropping off my fate

I place the box out by the sink
Grab a knife and cut the sides
I pause myself and have a drink
Bring out the darkness that’s inside

I’m trying to be more positive
All by myself I try to breathe
Open the box and pull it out
It’s the tiara that I need

I take it out of plastic wrap
And hold it up and watch it shine
Just proof that I am way too much
I’m just so happy this is mine

I put it on, run to a mirror
It’s glimmering like my hope
I smile through a slew of tears
I watch me cry, do I stop, nope

Todays the day I settled on
Ending this life once and for all
I’m tired and it’s time to go
Maybe I’ll leave blood on the wall

A simple note, couple of words
Maybe I’ll just write “goodbye”
Nobody knows the pain I feel
Don’t have a clue, I’ve lived a lie

I go put on a fancy dress
It is my favorite black ball gown
I don’t wear heels, I walk barefoot
Dancing around but there’s no sound

I’m ready so I grab my sharpie
Today I picked a teal blue
I draw a line from elbow to wrist
Knowing damn well of what I’d do

I hear the door ring once again
Only this time I’m quite the mess
At the moment I don’t give a fuck
My heart is pounding through my chest

It’s him he’s back, he reappeared
He’s staring at my dreadful sight
I must look like a lunatic
Holding back tears and it’s a fight

His hands grip the sides of the door
He looks at me and smirks
He says he felt like calling in
He changed his mind, called out of work

I see the tears building inside
Feel really bad that I could break him
I’ve only known him for an hour
But he is here and that I take in

I start to cry and walk away
Then I sit down plopping my dress
He comes, adjusts my tiara
Sits across me, starts to confess

“You know how we meet randomly
By the elevator in the morning?
Well that is no coincidence
I kinda stalked what time you go in.

I get all dressed and fill my mug
Then I wait to hear your door.
And when you leave I come back up
Really I work from home till four.

Just catching a brief glimpse of you
It really starts my day off right
I’ve never really said a word
I see your boyfriend leave at night.

So today I saw your swollen face
It was so evident, your pain
I couldn’t hold back anymore
I’m kinda glad you look insane”

I had no words I needed him
I lay my hand down on his knee
I don’t even know his fucking name
But I cannot let him leave

His hand reaches out “I’m Jackson,
And it’s finally nice to meet you.
I think it’s time we have a chat
Wanna tell me what you’ve been through?”

I say my name is Carrie
Tell him he just made my whole day
My week, my month, hell my whole year
Hearing those words he had to say

My hand it shakes as it is held
Then he flips over my arm
He squints and rubs the line away
He’s gotta know I’m past self harm

“You won’t do it, nope, not today
I’ll be right back, I’ll spend the night
Not when I just arrived for you.
I’ll be right here, I’ll help you fight”

He returns quick in gray joggers
And a black Henley t shirt
He helps me put on pjs
We watch tv, he’s on alert

I doze off for a moment
He has cleaned up my whole place
My mind is tired I need to sleep
He comes and kneels down, face to face

“Let’s go to bed, I’ll sleep out here
Out by your door in case you need me”
I ask him to lay down by my side
I talk him through as there he leads me

I lay my head down on my pillow
And I tell him a few secrets
I just had to get them out
I’m pretty sure he’s gonna keep it

Before I close my eyes for good
I stare at him in the moonlight
“I don’t think you know what you’ve done
You coming here, it saved my life”