deepundergroundpoetry.com

Twilight's slave

I was sitting in my room so alone.
Tracing the lines, each leading to the next.
Each one may start as a straight line.
But so often a room holds so many secrets.
All those years of accreted injury.
Perhaps blood can be transformed into air.
And the smell of it lingers, at least for you.
Because that was your coping mechanism.
From the crows that fed on your flesh.
They picked at it so sharply, it hurt.
Until eventually it became a need.

And the corners can definitely be brooding.
Especially when the drum beats your hips.
Drowning in the tide of it far too young.
You only exist in taunt angles, shadows.
Adamant to survive, taught not to trust.
A chitinous layer to keep out the good.
And a umbral carapace to contain the fire.
The anxiety, the fear, the passion.
And the shuddering is the innocence dying.
Such alluring music and song to some.

And when you are young the hunger begins.
For love, trust, understanding, Intimacy.
So the cycle starts... Of abscesses...
And your body becomes the world.
Perhaps it is just a worldly corpse now.
Voice of the insolvent is so rarely heard.
And my King is the one who just takes.
My laments are music to his ears.
Building parapets for protection.
These defense mechanisms fortified.
While offering so little shelter.
Corpse transported to the funeral pyre.
Only to rise again, like nothing happened.
And the hunger only grows... Twilight's slave.

Memories in the hollow of the bed.
Trails of blood, sweat, and ...
Where the scent of freshness flowed.
So many fingerprints left on the body.
Spiral into the void never to be seen.
The indent on my soul remains planted deep.
But the mattress will recover it's form.
It pretends nothing happened there.
Only the creak of stressed springs express..
Why do I continually dream of these things.
As I sit in my room, only awake in them.
I lose myself in self harm and nightmares.
Asking myself, is this what love is?
Telling myself, this is what I deserve.

But will you tell me why you need this?
Questions you could never answer out loud.
Devouring my heart and yet it still beats.
Torn atria and blood splatter tell stories.
That will never be heard, cannot be heard,
And with each fight or flight, the casing falls
It is laced with adrenaline and anxiety.
Your ink is blood, sweat, tears, and ...
It always runs off the page and into my lap.

All of these lines forming a room in my mind.
A room that only existed for a moment.
Is there a reason to dread the inevitable.
Would boredom have saved me from my fate.
So many collisions but I still survived.
At least part of me, the intense passion.
Enervating the incredible emptiness, but...
This fervid longing persists into eternity.
Lost in this labyrinth of rooms...

The absolute surety of injury continues.
And the intensity of lava as it dries,
it encases with fragments that cut deep,
Waiting for the next eruption to come.
To clasp, to breach into this channel.
And the others, they look at me. Innocent.
They can see there is something different.
Can sense the darkness left inside of me.
Feel the heat of the lava that flows there.
Scylla, transformed a little more each time.
Constantly fighting the monsters inside,
but completely submitting to the ones outside.

Written by KristinaX

Published 9th Aug 2023

Author's Note

There are so many secrets we keep and those are the hardest to share. Recently I have dealt with something that has brought up a lot of things in my mind. Usually I am very good at keeping things inside. They say it's cathartic to let them out and I am still not sure about that but I guess they do have a way of clawing at you and I suppose that does do damage. I prefer posting things that are more fun, exciting, or passionate and generally I am very good at hiding the pain in my writing through presenting it in different ways. But if this makes anyone feel less alone then I guess it's worth it to post. Or maybe it's me who needs to feel less alone at times keeping some things very much to myself. Not sure if I will leave this up or not, I guess time will tell.