The Dilemma

The Dilemma

I’m sitting on the toilet
For five minutes, I wait
I’m throwing up again
As I sit and wait for fate

I thought that we were smart
I thought that we were cautious
If we didn’t have a condom
We would pause, and then we’d stop it

I haven’t had the courage
To tell him what might happen
I wait for the results
He’s in the room still napping

I crash onto the floor
As the plus sign, it appears
I’m filled with dread and frightened
This is what I’ve always feared

I gently break the news
And he takes it rather well
We can’t support a child now
Will our choice send us to hell?

I call for the appointment
As I speak, he holds my hand
We can barely pay the rent
Shit, we’re eating out of cans

I scheduled it for Monday
My knees buckle, hit the floor
How will I make it through this?
I am broken to the core

I never thought I’d be here
In this dreadful situation
To me this would never happen
This dilemma that I’m facing

We make it to the office
We’re both sick from lack of sleep
We’ve thought this through all weekend
But this child we can’t keep

We both work second jobs
Just to try to make ends meet
It isn’t fair to any of us
Just might end up on the street

I cannot risk neglecting it
He or she would live with sitters
We’re barely ever home at all
This whole mess has left me bitter

I can’t afford the diapers
Cannot give any attention
We couldn’t come up with a plan
No solutions, just more tension

They finally call my name
He holds me for a moment
He kisses on my forehead
As the nurse won’t let him go in

I change into the paper suit
I’m naked underneath
I still am lost in shock
For losing someone I can’t keep

I’m told I’ll feel some cramping
I’ll get meds and some sedation
They explain so many things
They run around with preparation

The minutes pass like hours
I feel it’s done before it starts
My mind fills with regret
As I have killed a beating heart

My boyfriend drives me home
We snuggle up as there I rest
I haven’t stopped the crying
Was the choice I made the best?

I call in sick to work
The note was for three days
I never will get over this
My life has changed in many ways

I would’ve gotten food stamps
Gotten help, too, from welfare
Struggling to live
That’s not the life I want to bare

My hands cradle my stomach
Though I know it’s empty now
I wrack my brain with outcomes
We had no chance, didn’t know how

I’m torturing myself
Because we never had the chance
He looks at me with swollen eyes
We must go on but we just can’t

He suggests such a grim thought
I’m surprised that I agree
We’re tired, lost and destitute
He’s trying hard to set us free

Can’t seem to overcome this choice
We’re wishing so now that we hadn’t
But it’s too late now, the deed is done
The outcome has left us maddened

With hands held tight, we’re ready
We close the doors of the garage
We start the engine, rev it up
Look at my belly, it’s a mirage

We tell each other “I love you”
We tell ourselves that this is right
We inhale the monoxide
We’ve given up this awful fight

We fall asleep with hands held
Finding ourselves on the other side
We finally make it to the baby
We reunite, as we’ve all died