Rock bottom

f'Hurt people hurt people  
To put it short and simple I am a broken woman breaking things  
Everything I touch goes to shit  
the whole "hell in a hand basket" expression  
Cheap caked up concealer to hide the tracks, when I love myself the very least    
My life is no longer recognizable to me  
spiraling down I find myself drowning in this depression  
I've lost the grit to speak up for my life  
Long gone is the hope that there will even be a life to speak up for by the time that I'm done    
Whatever snapped this time must've been a doozy  
The equivalent to the destruction I've allowed to happen here    
Would be similar to saying fuck the world and this life    
and pulling the trigger of this loaded gun  
I'm in too deep, I knew this months ago, there are no take backs  
It's basically an involuntary requirement to stick around and see this all the way through  
Will I astound myself & everyone else by pulling out one last trick from my survival tactics bag    
Or does it really end here with you    
Smoke filled heads, disillusioned & obsessed with the presence of one another    
Oh sweet deja vu    
I've lived this scene many moons ago  
This lifestyle wasn't shit back then and it aint shit now    
The beautiful life I had built plus 12 years of recovery straight out the window  
Its dark and unsettling here in my head    
as i watch pieces of me break off and disappear a little more everyday  
Everyone was right all those years, warnings of the slippery slope I was walking
I want out of this goddamit
I want to get back to the real me  
I just cannot find the way  
My heart is turning black, similar to the tar I smoke    
the tender parts of me replaced with bitterness and lack of empathy    
where emotions used to overflow, I used to feel everything so deeply    
Replaced with a black empty hole    
numbing myself has become my new specialty    
my stomach churns and vomit threatens to break the barrier that my tenacity has held in place thus far  
when I think about all I've heedlessly given up to be laying here with you    
oh what a dream we've created together I think in absolute sarcasm  
I was already well on my way to the bottom
you just helped accelerate the process  
and made the way down more pleasant of a view      
Now in this moment it's all rushing in'
I can feel every last ounce of this rock bottom hell  
Sobbing, gasping for breath at the realization of my situation and the end of this that has now arrived  
our lust confused for love was simply passing this .time less lonesomely  
its the aftermath and consequences of my personal shit that I'm afraid I won't survive  
I could continue laying here with you in this drug induced bliss  
let the world pass by with both of us too high to even care  
or i can crawl out of this hole and face my own self destruction  
take accountability & admit that i'm sick.. yes ... i think ill start there  
  
  
  
  
  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
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