Oh by the Way, Janet Died

the age gap  
she, older  
cast intriguing shadows  
on the walls of my childhood  
 
the superiority of my cousin Janet's age   
six long, long years ahead of me  
was an ocean I wanted to swim  
but I was stuck near the shore
 
I wanted to reach her   
 
I didn't have a clue  
 
I'm four or five  
spending the night with my two younger cousins  
i'm up early  
Janet asks if I like The Beatles cartoon  
I shyly nod my head yes  
she turns on the TV for me  
and then walks out of the room  
 
I watch it alone  
 
seven years later  
I'm spending the night in Ellen's  room  
her record collection is too tame for me  
I ponder if I should knock on Janet's door  
Ellen looks at me, shocked  
like I'm proposing jumping backwards off the high dive  
 
I knock  
 
weak kneed with nerves  
I hear Janet on the phone  
"I just got my hair cut. I'm freaking out!"  
then a sharp 'What?"  
Um, do you have School's Out or Love it to Death? I stammer  
 
No  
 
her door closes  
the phone conversation resumes  
"It was my little cousin" she tells her friend  
Looking for Alice Cooper albums"  
as I turn to walk away  
I hear a snorted laugh  
 
Janet was sent home from ninth grade  
her mini skirt was too short  
there was a picture of her in the paper  
just her pretty face  
a moderately snarky quote  
 
I was an innocent elementary school girl  
with a Brady Bunch wardrobe  
fiercely proud to know her  
 
ten years later  
in my college years  
after my three cousins and I drifted apart  
I share mean nicknames for each with my sister  
Perfect Little Ellen  
Wretched Cousin Annette  
Janet the Quaalude Queen  
the latter  
after a slurred late night call to my mom  
with whom she wasn't even close  
 
Janet was in an unhappy first marriage  
I think she wanted out  
of the marriage  
maybe life  
I was busy with my own challenges  
and more than a few frivolities  
 
we saw each other at family events  
cousins my sister and I wouldn't have picked as friends  
but were nevertheless kind of fascinated by  
we got along okay  
polite  
interested  
just enough family history  
to feel like family  
 
by the time I was in my mid twenties  
I had no real need to reach her  
 
six years ago  
at Ellen's daughter's wedding  
we connected  
well, kind of  
 
I'd flown across the country   
attended the wedding without a date  
hadn't seen my cousins in almost 10 years  
time  
distance  
not my sister's level of apathy (she hadn't seen them since 1998)  
but no reason to plan a visit without a reason  
 
Annette had had a facelift  
she looked 58 going on 12  
she was sweet to me  
but more of a character than a cousin  
"Wen, let's go get a CAW-fee   
they have a CAW-fee bar  
do you want a CAW-fee?"  
 
Janet was the family pariah as always  
the family was furious with her  
furious!  
she and her husband were an hour late for the photographer  
if she hadn't been (it's her fault of course, not Steve's)  
they would have found something else  
she hangs back from them  
 reserved  
I get it  
 
I seek her out  
make her laugh  
we talk  
rememberances of our grandmother  
her son starting medical school in the Fall  
that kind of thing  
it was probably the longest conversation we'd had as adults  
 
but still  
 
I wasn't quite reaching her  
 
I had a plan  
I was going to visit Miami soon  
at least i thought i was  
i could go up to Palm Beach  
to her house  
we'd have wine   
loosen up  
get silly  
confide in each other  
 
and maybe  
finally  
 
I'd reach her  
 
six years disappear  
 
I never made the trip  
 
in a recent phone conversation with my aunt  
I'm informed that Ellen makes a fabulous gluten free challah  
Annette's business is doing very well  
Ellen's daughter   
has had another girl  
they'll all be spending Passover  
at the house in Israel  
 
oh and by the way-  
I'm not sure I told you last time-  
 
Janet died  
 
like Rome has seven hills  
like Utah has the Great Salt Lake  
I have three cousins  
 
except now i don't  
 
I say Oh my god!  
a number of times  
i'm so sorry...  
 
even though i know  
if my aunt had to lose one of her three daughters  
Janet is the one she'd pick  
her strong-willed eldest  
who lived life on her own terms  
 
I wasn't filled with grief  
more like disappointment  
the feeling one might have  
after getting their cruise departure time wrong  
arriving to see their ship   
disappearing into the horizon  
 
most of our facts are temporary  
our bodies are rented  
we are each  
many different people  
with the passing of time  
 
there were many years  
when Janet appeared to be a happy, well-off suburban mom  
but she and my aunt didn't speak for a long time  
finally Janet called her  
 
saying she needed a mom  
 
i loved Janet more after that  
could only imagine her need to be loved  
by the one who should have loved her most  
i ached for her  
I wanted more than ever to reach her  
 
I still didn't have a clue how  
 
maybe when I die  
a year from now?  
thirty six years?  
I'll be able to reach her  
 
but maybe not  
 
some say our loved ones greet us when we die  
I don't think Janet will be one of my greeters  
 
but maybe later we'll get to hang out  
and if she still doesn't like Alice Cooper  
I'll listen to whatever music she wants