Secrets and unsent letters

   
   
She must have never sent it.  
That’s why it was still in her things;  
that letter to her soul-friend  
with a burden never shared.  
   
There were times when she got wistful  
and apologized too much  
that I was the youngest:  
“I should have given you a little brother,” she said.  
I thought it was just silly wishful thinking.  
   
***  
The medical machine doesn’t always give people    
enough time to understand.  
What’s the significance of a few missed periods  
when you’re getting your tubes tied anyway?  
Sign the form, we’re doing this today as scheduled.  
Were husbands part of the conversation in those days?  
(Did he want to be?)  
Was there a conversation at all,  
or just a paternalistic decision?  
Yes, she would have been indecisive,  
not wanting to appear impractical  
or over-emotional,
but still...
The doctor would have pushed her, impatient:  
“well, you didn’t want another anyway…  
so we’ll do this procedure first,    
then the tubes, as planned.”  
***  
   
“They didn’t even do a test,” she wrote in the letter,  
obviously not at peace.  
In hindsight,
and in dreams,
she understood what they’d done.  
And wondered, what if…  
   
It’s ok, mom.  
I have some great little brothers    
from other mothers    
and I have love to spare for them.  
   
It’s ok.