Today I will always regret

I wish I had killed myself when I was younger
I wish I could've saved you from the pain
I wish I wasn't afraid you were going to kill me
But wishes mean nothing to this reality
There are moments we cannot take back
Moments we cannot possibly change
When did the little boy I knew cease to exist...
When did this cold, violence take over your soul?
I couldn't save you and I will live with that weight forever
I'm a coward in that I couldn't even face you
And I truly hope my illness kills me this year
I used the mantra that I needed to save you
As a compass to get me through my darkness
And today I set you afloat to save my own life
I was too sick to save you from yourself
And you were too deep to see that you needed it
Maybe someday when you are my age you will understand
That I couldn't save you while I was killing myself