Bleak

I haven't wanted to die this much in ages.
No rage,
No overwhelming sadness inside of me,
Just the complacency
That if this is how life is meant to be,  
I'd rather not.
 
Put simply, I can't be fucked.  
 
My body feels exhausted,
My mind completely frazzled,
And it's not like I believe in God,
Hell or heaven is not a hassle,
Just a super casual exit out of here,
And disappear into the abyss,
And then not exist.  
Doesn't it sound like bliss?  
 
No phone ringing,
No one reminding me of my flaws,
No dissappointment,
 No regrets now left;
 
 For your life's no longer yours;
 
The longest pause.  
 
And how that nothingness sounds peaceful,
I am quite envious of my own potential ending.  
 
Because it's well and good pretending,
I have no reason clear,
As if two lives intertwined in mine,
That fill my heart with joy and fear  
Would doubt that they were not enough,
To keep me; make me stay here.
 
Though if i could slip away perhaps I would.  
 
There's an opaque ness between the bad and good,
And that's what I find hard.
I think I've tried, and yet I feel inside  
Is happiness a facade?
Who keeps denying my chance of finding love,
Snatch the remnants of my heart,
How many times does one dust themselves from, when let down at the start.
 
I can't be arsed.  
 
It seems a farce,  
I find hard to care.
Id pick a thousand points  
Among the stars I'd be instead of here,  
And yet I breathe, and such a gift to me,
Guilty I gaze the floor,
For such a loathe in life, in my body,
A hurt I can't ignore  
No want to explore,
A pain so personal,
 runs deep within myself, for I can't see
The boundaries, apparently my mental health.
 
But there's an inner peace I've never seen,
To question if it exists,
As if i could find the meaning  
With then ending tick on my bucket list.