Becoming lies

I’ve noticed since my youth    
Twists and tangles in my truth  
I want to be what I expect of others    
But disappointment rudders    
I wish I was honest and loud and true    
But I only lie because I care for you    
My mother, my father I could not tell    
my mistakes to them, would be a living hell    
the tests and the pill at the top of my closet    
I bought with my own money in my pocket    
Their cupboard of liquids now drained to the core    
Their daughters throat left unbearably sore    
“To work” I tell them, “that’s where I’m going“    
I hope, in my eyes, my lie isn’t showing.    
My body now bare, my skin on his    
When my Dad calls and says, to do the dishes    
“Cute earnings” says my mom, as I kiss her goodbye    
She doesn’t know I stole them while I was high    
A teen of the world, just one more hit    
As I text my mom that the Lord is it.    
Now these things I think of and they weigh on my heart    
But I just can’t stop. Trust me, I’ve tried to restart.