deepundergroundpoetry.com
The befrienders
Wandering in that geodesic dome
just in that crowd, but all alone
a sea of faces -- young the old
world champions, the prize to claim
but your winning smile and steady gaze
put all the bakers there to shame
to be introduced to such a delight
just strangers sat, on walls so white
the music and social pull, unexplained!
the easy charm, was it preordained
Adam and Eve and a bloke called DAVE
that EDEN with good company
that mix to make a good pasty
just in that crowd, but all alone
a sea of faces -- young the old
world champions, the prize to claim
but your winning smile and steady gaze
put all the bakers there to shame
to be introduced to such a delight
just strangers sat, on walls so white
the music and social pull, unexplained!
the easy charm, was it preordained
Adam and Eve and a bloke called DAVE
that EDEN with good company
that mix to make a good pasty
Published 29th Feb 2020
| Edited 1st Mar 2020
Author's Note
For some friends I met at the WORLD champion pasty makers comp at THE EDEN PROJECT
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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29th Feb 2020 9:08pm
Wandering in that geodesic dome
just in that crowd[ , ] but all alone
a sea of faces [ the ] young the old
Love the word geodesic! The consonance of the d is fabulous: wonDering/geoDesic/Dome/crowD/olD.
I'd suggest a comma before the conjunction for just a tiny pause. I'd also use a em dash rather than two determiners in the same line.
Wandering in that geodesic dome
in that crowd, but all alone
a sea of faces—young and old
. . . .
world champions[ , ] the prize to claim
but your winning smile and steady gaze
put all the bakers there to shame
Sounds like you met a wonderful human! Awesome. Nothing like breaking bread together. Love the assonance of A & I in stanza. I suggest a comma before determiner.
. . . . .
to be introduce[ d ] to [ such ] delight
just strange[ r ]s sat, on walls so white
the music and social pull, unexplained!
Oh again with the D consonance in L1. This contains some really good imagery, Slip. I think you inadvertently left off the D in introduced, also, if you substitute 'such' for a, you could cash in on the consonance of S sounds throughout this stanza: introduCed/Such/StrangerS/Sat/wallS/muSic/SoCial. Solid use of comma in both L2 & 3. ( though you need to space before it in L2 ).
. . .
the easy charm, was it [ just ] preordained
Adam and Eve and a bloke called DAVE
that EDEN with good company
This stanza is lyrical, Slip. I would suggest removing 'just' in L1. Ask yourself if you really need it. Also, preordained is one word so you can close that gap. Now L2 is a PERFECT example of how repetition works! Well done with the conjunction.
. . . .
that mix to make a good pasty
This line reads a tad awkward. I think you could leave the repetition of the pronoun that, if you space and allow it to become a monostich ( a one line, or one line in a poem ). Also, do you REALLY need the indefinite article A?
As an aside, have you thought about reformatting to tercets followed by a monostich? Here is what it would look like corrected and reformatted:
Wandering in that geodesic dome
in that crowd, but all alone
a sea of faces—young and old
world champions, the prize to claim
but your winning smile and steady gaze
put all the bakers there to shame
to be introduced to such delight
just strange rs sat, on walls so white
the music and social pull, unexplained!
the easy charm, was it preordained
Adam and Eve and a bloke called DAVE
that EDEN with good company
that mix to make a good pasty
If you space it out a bit, it gives the reader an opportunity to savor ( pun intended ) the delights of the imagery, food, and fellowship.
Way to capture a moment forever!
just in that crowd[ , ] but all alone
a sea of faces [ the ] young the old
Love the word geodesic! The consonance of the d is fabulous: wonDering/geoDesic/Dome/crowD/olD.
I'd suggest a comma before the conjunction for just a tiny pause. I'd also use a em dash rather than two determiners in the same line.
Wandering in that geodesic dome
in that crowd, but all alone
a sea of faces—young and old
. . . .
world champions[ , ] the prize to claim
but your winning smile and steady gaze
put all the bakers there to shame
Sounds like you met a wonderful human! Awesome. Nothing like breaking bread together. Love the assonance of A & I in stanza. I suggest a comma before determiner.
. . . . .
to be introduce[ d ] to [ such ] delight
just strange[ r ]s sat, on walls so white
the music and social pull, unexplained!
Oh again with the D consonance in L1. This contains some really good imagery, Slip. I think you inadvertently left off the D in introduced, also, if you substitute 'such' for a, you could cash in on the consonance of S sounds throughout this stanza: introduCed/Such/StrangerS/Sat/wallS/muSic/SoCial. Solid use of comma in both L2 & 3. ( though you need to space before it in L2 ).
. . .
the easy charm, was it [ just ] preordained
Adam and Eve and a bloke called DAVE
that EDEN with good company
This stanza is lyrical, Slip. I would suggest removing 'just' in L1. Ask yourself if you really need it. Also, preordained is one word so you can close that gap. Now L2 is a PERFECT example of how repetition works! Well done with the conjunction.
. . . .
that mix to make a good pasty
This line reads a tad awkward. I think you could leave the repetition of the pronoun that, if you space and allow it to become a monostich ( a one line, or one line in a poem ). Also, do you REALLY need the indefinite article A?
As an aside, have you thought about reformatting to tercets followed by a monostich? Here is what it would look like corrected and reformatted:
Wandering in that geodesic dome
in that crowd, but all alone
a sea of faces—young and old
world champions, the prize to claim
but your winning smile and steady gaze
put all the bakers there to shame
to be introduced to such delight
just strange rs sat, on walls so white
the music and social pull, unexplained!
the easy charm, was it preordained
Adam and Eve and a bloke called DAVE
that EDEN with good company
that mix to make a good pasty
If you space it out a bit, it gives the reader an opportunity to savor ( pun intended ) the delights of the imagery, food, and fellowship.
Way to capture a moment forever!
1st Mar 2020 9:39am
thanks as ever. my cookery skills are just about as dreadful but your glaze has completed the job
I am the DAVE, the Eden Project (please google) is about 10 min from my home
H.A.N.D (have a nice day)
I am the DAVE, the Eden Project (please google) is about 10 min from my home
H.A.N.D (have a nice day)
