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picking-satchel of blackberry stained patterns
pheasants and partridge rise
through coppice and hedgerow gapes,
boroughs of brush, terrified flowers
and abandoned nests,
‘fore the shotgun escapes.
from wiry snares and tweeded capes
their eastern sunned curtain’d drapes
in oleander bursts of shot
in the mornings wake
I awake.
Esteemed fox-bait in style they recommend
Its gone: they are gone.
Their pat has gone.
Jinn of buckthorn makes
a cider so strong, its drunken stings: in the fields the furrows made
made so deep no man can escape
deeply, and deeply I wish, I wish; I list the crops,
the rotation-systems and where the water lakes
in the rain - in flooded stubborn pools.
I drain, abstain, I want to be coming to
a last leaf; a blackberry feather and crane of head
reaching through for last of season’s fruit,
grappling hawthorn as it pricks the palm
where the rising suns reflects
off bloodied black bark
and these hands’ blackberry stains.
through coppice and hedgerow gapes,
boroughs of brush, terrified flowers
and abandoned nests,
‘fore the shotgun escapes.
from wiry snares and tweeded capes
their eastern sunned curtain’d drapes
in oleander bursts of shot
in the mornings wake
I awake.
Esteemed fox-bait in style they recommend
Its gone: they are gone.
Their pat has gone.
Jinn of buckthorn makes
a cider so strong, its drunken stings: in the fields the furrows made
made so deep no man can escape
deeply, and deeply I wish, I wish; I list the crops,
the rotation-systems and where the water lakes
in the rain - in flooded stubborn pools.
I drain, abstain, I want to be coming to
a last leaf; a blackberry feather and crane of head
reaching through for last of season’s fruit,
grappling hawthorn as it pricks the palm
where the rising suns reflects
off bloodied black bark
and these hands’ blackberry stains.
Published 10th Dec 2019
| Edited 19th Jan 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 13
reading list entries 12
comments 16
reads 1004
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
10th Dec 2019 2:58pm
This was a great Entrance Fields!!!
You say on Your page of breaking away from the old to a new vision or vibe.
The vibe carried in this Write was flowing...I gravitate toward Nature styled Writes...and this definitely delivered.
The touch of dark strung throughout was equally enjoyed (& well woven)
On and Up -Thank You for a great start to the morning with this read!!!
You say on Your page of breaking away from the old to a new vision or vibe.
The vibe carried in this Write was flowing...I gravitate toward Nature styled Writes...and this definitely delivered.
The touch of dark strung throughout was equally enjoyed (& well woven)
On and Up -Thank You for a great start to the morning with this read!!!
10th Dec 2019 8:22pm
Thank you....'on and up' yes! you are very kind. I like your writing very much too.
I'm always looking for new members who write outside the box, and this definitely fit that category, fields. Nature is one of my muses, particularly Autumn, trees, and water. As a vegetarian, I have a special love for animals and detest sport hunting with a passion. Nothing should have to die for our pleasure. Need, maybe ( depends on the circumstance ). But, pleasure, never.
What I found the most interesting about this was your metaphor. I felt like the blackberry stains on your hands, in contrast with the blood on the bark ( from the hunt ), was indicative of you, too, participating in the taking from nature. Albeit a different means. Regardless, I enjoyed your style very much. The imagery was unique and well portrayed.
Because you have requested honest critique, I would honor that by pointing the following out:
In S1, you really don't need both your conjunctions in order for it to read smoothly. Also, you don't need a comma followed by a hyphen in L4, unless it's intentional for a longer pause, or aesthetic purposes to counter the apostrophe preceding fore. If the former is the case, I would recommend splitting the line with an em dash as such:
pheasants and partridge rise
through coppice and hedgerow gapes,
boroughs of brush, terrified flowers
and abandoned nests—
‘fore the shotgun escapes.
The couplet contrasting wake and awake is fantastic.
This is a perfect example of how repetition works in poetry. Combined with the imagery, it's fantastic:
deeply, and deeply I wish, I wish; I list the crops,
the rotation-systems and where the water lakes
in the rain - in flooded stubborn pools.
Overall beautiful work. Absolutely.
I'll be nominating this for New Member of the Month Poem!
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11141/#462681
What I found the most interesting about this was your metaphor. I felt like the blackberry stains on your hands, in contrast with the blood on the bark ( from the hunt ), was indicative of you, too, participating in the taking from nature. Albeit a different means. Regardless, I enjoyed your style very much. The imagery was unique and well portrayed.
Because you have requested honest critique, I would honor that by pointing the following out:
In S1, you really don't need both your conjunctions in order for it to read smoothly. Also, you don't need a comma followed by a hyphen in L4, unless it's intentional for a longer pause, or aesthetic purposes to counter the apostrophe preceding fore. If the former is the case, I would recommend splitting the line with an em dash as such:
pheasants and partridge rise
through coppice and hedgerow gapes,
boroughs of brush, terrified flowers
and abandoned nests—
‘fore the shotgun escapes.
The couplet contrasting wake and awake is fantastic.
This is a perfect example of how repetition works in poetry. Combined with the imagery, it's fantastic:
deeply, and deeply I wish, I wish; I list the crops,
the rotation-systems and where the water lakes
in the rain - in flooded stubborn pools.
Overall beautiful work. Absolutely.
I'll be nominating this for New Member of the Month Poem!
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11141/#462681
10th Dec 2019 9:29pm
agree with all the above
simply lovely writing; i'll be watching for more from your pen!
simply lovely writing; i'll be watching for more from your pen!
11th Dec 2019 12:07pm
15th Dec 2019 3:07pm
Stunning. Just beautiful. Easy, easy follow. Found due to A's nomination in the New Members comp. Truly fresh and impressive!
15th Dec 2019 10:35pm
17th Dec 2019 10:17pm
Awesome writing, fields. It was so vivid. Thanks for sharing and welcome to DU :)
17th Dec 2019 10:26pm
Hello Fields; welcome to DUP.
What a great entrance you have made with this poem. Love the way the bits of repeat and rhyme fit in, carrying the poem forward. Best regards, Josh.
What a great entrance you have made with this poem. Love the way the bits of repeat and rhyme fit in, carrying the poem forward. Best regards, Josh.
18th Dec 2019 4:17am
Your descripts n scripts you flow ...are that of nature itself..as is ..the beauty the chaos the colours the vibes the selflessness the oneness with it ... astounding read of your evergreen verses right from the lushly rainforest densely freshness it breathes....bravo! & welcome back nomoth (remember saw this in your intro..) you were missed ..write on shine on :)
5th Jan 2020 8:12pm
This is such a beautiful contemplation, the syllabic harmony organic as nature itself, as are it's zen magnification of the various energetic oscillations of the living moment. Sublime work and welcome to the site.
In kindness,
Daniel
In kindness,
Daniel
11th Jan 2020 10:56pm
Dear fields, I have nominated this poem for the “New Member of the Month, January 2020” competition. Wishing you all the best.
Jade🐾
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11185/#464685
Jade🐾
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11185/#464685
12th Jan 2020 11:29am
Great writing, fields... Such vivid and beautiful imagery :)
I just realized I commented on this before, but it's really good, so here's another!
I just realized I commented on this before, but it's really good, so here's another!
13th Jan 2020 10:58am
lol thanks so much and for your kind words on the other pieces...mores the merrier of course.
thanks again
thanks again
15th Jun 2020 10:35am
