reality check

savage pain rips through my belly  
my stomach loudly rumbles
it's the sound of death ravaging my insides  
every time I eat I fear  
the pain is coming and I know it  
 
grumble, roar...  
I lie in bed at night my husband listens  
he silently cries  
what was once embarrassingly funny
is now all too real symptoms  
 
toxic smell fills the room  
I have no more energy to expend  
even drugs are failing to keep me marching  
and he knows my days are numbered  
 
I don't worry about myself today  
I'm actually prepared to walk through the door  
from this life to the next  
 
what I'm not ready for is leaving him behind  
he still needs me more than anyone  
I'm worried about him  
 
I always thought him my anchor on a chaotic sea  
I knew without him I would be adrift  
now I know he has no home without me  
his soul abides with mine  
where will his heart lay to rest when I'm no longer here?  
 
God help my husband  
please take care of him  
I fucked up and didn't take care of myself  
 
I'm abandoning the ones I love  
forgive me