deepundergroundpoetry.com
The last laugh
with severed limbs and twitching eyes forgive my inconvenience
sporadic visions of the present tense i lost my friend coherence
controlled me with your smile
consoled me with your skin
through the dark depts of my pain and the pleasures in our sin
i seek the end with no regrets, a tear-washed smile to wave farewell
my shadow looms, thinks me naive and mocks my crimson shell
sporadic visions of the present tense i lost my friend coherence
controlled me with your smile
consoled me with your skin
through the dark depts of my pain and the pleasures in our sin
i seek the end with no regrets, a tear-washed smile to wave farewell
my shadow looms, thinks me naive and mocks my crimson shell
Published 24th Dec 2011
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likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 6
reads 657
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
25th Dec 2011 10:24am
25th Dec 2011 1:30pm
26th Dec 2011 2:02pm
I really liked this poem it struck me the right way. I feel like a bit of editing could make it truly great though. my advice would be to focus on rhythm and diction, since certain lines could do without so many syllables and some of the word choices you make seem to be either redundant or haphazardly chosen. I don't want to sound too critical though because I did like it but it could stand to be revised quickly to meet its true potential. Keep writing :)
26th Dec 2011 4:23pm
No problem. All criticisms are welcome. I'm new to poetry so my structure is totally raw i imagine. Hopefully i'll get better.
30th Dec 2011 2:39pm
30th Dec 2011 2:47pm
