deepundergroundpoetry.com
New Born
The new batch is still underway-
1. whirring,
2. dragging
3. stomping
4. brisk
and then-
1. pastel
2. leather
3. waterproof
4. and even worn-out
varied sizes and shapes
and makes and types
not to forget the bare pairs-
chaffed and untidy-
usually the ones
in pursuit
traversing in parabolic trajectories-
like drugged guinea pigs
inside glass cages
those feet-relentless-methodical-unfazed
complimented evenly
by those hyperbolic souls-
some young and some seasoned-
all regulars
none of them ever acknowledge
my existence
natural competition would be
the very first reason
it‘s mostly the small pair of feet-
wrapped-soft-pink
which stop awhile afar before
being dragged away
small-unknowing eyes
being unable to differentiate
in a few years probably in all probability
they would be fed amply
on a diet of-
1. oral history
2. hatred
3. and poison
and then they would come back
with stones and strings of expletives,
ridicule and animated hatred
having replaced untainted innocence
with which those young souls now
gaze at my nudity
and compare it with their very own
may be not
when they see the dust and the sores
and the overflowing urine-
human and equine-alike
the tiny lives undoubtedly are naked-
eyes and soul
while I am bare overall
My bloated stomach and visible sternum
and unkempt hair and undeviating stillness
are but my only attractions
the marked divergences
for they are real-probably more real
than their reality
and yes-They are the features
the star attractions of my universe
cause behind all of their-
1. colourful attire
2. and masks
3. and sunglasses
4. and sunscreens
5. and visors
they all are as naked as me-
mutilated and otherwise
curtains up.
Published 2nd Dec 2011
| Edited 27th Apr 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 2
comments 8
reads 1095
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Dec 2011 11:07pm
3rd Dec 2011 1:15pm
3rd Dec 2011 1:37am
This is a brilliant poem. Articulate, passionate, intelligent and tender. The list technique worked well, conveying images and ideas straight to the reader. I also really liked this simile: "like drugged guinea pigs/inside glass cages." There's a consistent theme of exposure running through the poem which compels and disconcerts. It has the same effect as those dreams in which we're naked in public.
I think you should focus more on that spiritual nakedness you refer to in lines like "gaze at my nudity/and compare it with their very own..." Talk about how and why that nakedness affects human beings. What it feels like to be so exposed to the human and equine urine you mention.
Why does this poem begin and end with speech marks? As we only hear from one perspective they seem arbitrary.
I'm also not sure this needs punctuation. You could easily put line breaks where the dashes are and remove the occasional full stops without affecting much.
All JMHO of course. Thanks for the read, Summit. - JT
I think you should focus more on that spiritual nakedness you refer to in lines like "gaze at my nudity/and compare it with their very own..." Talk about how and why that nakedness affects human beings. What it feels like to be so exposed to the human and equine urine you mention.
Why does this poem begin and end with speech marks? As we only hear from one perspective they seem arbitrary.
I'm also not sure this needs punctuation. You could easily put line breaks where the dashes are and remove the occasional full stops without affecting much.
All JMHO of course. Thanks for the read, Summit. - JT
3rd Dec 2011 1:23pm
JT aka Muggle,
Ah! I have this feeling
of joy unsurpassed and it
will stay for sometime.
I started sharing my poems
recently and this is the third
instance where I have got a
'critique'.
The analogy with the dream was
but spectacular and a day back
I first heard from a friend of
his dream(standing stark naked
in the open) and it will help me
in one way or another.
The ideas you have pointed out
are indeed the soul of the poem
and I would surely expand it now.
The exposure to human and equine urine
was mentioned in a single expression
which I later ironed out. Will rework.
Punctuation marks again were added in the
last moment just before posting. Wanted
some opinion if lack of those would affect
the flow. Glad I have some now.
Thank you.
Will look forward,
S'
Ah! I have this feeling
of joy unsurpassed and it
will stay for sometime.
I started sharing my poems
recently and this is the third
instance where I have got a
'critique'.
The analogy with the dream was
but spectacular and a day back
I first heard from a friend of
his dream(standing stark naked
in the open) and it will help me
in one way or another.
The ideas you have pointed out
are indeed the soul of the poem
and I would surely expand it now.
The exposure to human and equine urine
was mentioned in a single expression
which I later ironed out. Will rework.
Punctuation marks again were added in the
last moment just before posting. Wanted
some opinion if lack of those would affect
the flow. Glad I have some now.
Thank you.
Will look forward,
S'
Anonymous
- Edited 18th Dec 2011 9:08pm
18th Dec 2011 8:33pm
Mr Wand6
I love this poem. I have taken almost 2 weeks to digest it, I have read it repeatedly, and I have noticed subtle changes in it from time to time. This has lead me to understand your love for this work. So why did it take me so long to comment? Sir, sometimes we find a write so enlightening and so wonderful that it would be humiliating to place one word in a comment section, which would reflect incorrectly or give the wrong impression. As such I have taken my time and crafted this comment carefully. Enjoy…
1 – Personally sir, I do not have the guts to “list” in poetry as you have done here, I do not have the guts because it works for a minuscule few. In this write, sir, you are at the top of the minority of writers who have perfected that. It works very well here. You take a bow on that achievement.
2 – I do believe that we owe Muggle ‘JT’ a word of thanks, you took his advice Mr Wand6, and this piece is richer for it. I noticed that you found a couple of edits Mr, Mrs, Miss Muggle had not pointed out. I do not think you would have found them, had you not edited the piece following the very constructive comment above.
3 – Sir I would be most humbled if you gave me permission, sir to record a reading of this poem. It has magnificence about it and I think my way of showing my respect to it would be by giving it my very best voice.
4 – You have an articulate and wonderful piece of writing here, and I do believe that you have raised the bar on this website as to the difference between Good, Brilliant and just mediocre poetry. It’s about time we had another write such as that. Mr Wand6, if you have not yet read DU poet (Mike the Engineers) piece entitled “Madman diaries” may I suggest you do so. I assure you, I love your piece with equal passion, to the lustful love I have for Mike’s.
Congratulations, sir. I will be back fairly regularly to repeat reads of this piece. And I sincerely hope you gain the recognition from it, that you deserve. I am listing this piece, and I am doing so with pride in my heart. Thank you for the read, Summit.
Blue Skies
Al –x-
I love this poem. I have taken almost 2 weeks to digest it, I have read it repeatedly, and I have noticed subtle changes in it from time to time. This has lead me to understand your love for this work. So why did it take me so long to comment? Sir, sometimes we find a write so enlightening and so wonderful that it would be humiliating to place one word in a comment section, which would reflect incorrectly or give the wrong impression. As such I have taken my time and crafted this comment carefully. Enjoy…
1 – Personally sir, I do not have the guts to “list” in poetry as you have done here, I do not have the guts because it works for a minuscule few. In this write, sir, you are at the top of the minority of writers who have perfected that. It works very well here. You take a bow on that achievement.
2 – I do believe that we owe Muggle ‘JT’ a word of thanks, you took his advice Mr Wand6, and this piece is richer for it. I noticed that you found a couple of edits Mr, Mrs, Miss Muggle had not pointed out. I do not think you would have found them, had you not edited the piece following the very constructive comment above.
3 – Sir I would be most humbled if you gave me permission, sir to record a reading of this poem. It has magnificence about it and I think my way of showing my respect to it would be by giving it my very best voice.
4 – You have an articulate and wonderful piece of writing here, and I do believe that you have raised the bar on this website as to the difference between Good, Brilliant and just mediocre poetry. It’s about time we had another write such as that. Mr Wand6, if you have not yet read DU poet (Mike the Engineers) piece entitled “Madman diaries” may I suggest you do so. I assure you, I love your piece with equal passion, to the lustful love I have for Mike’s.
Congratulations, sir. I will be back fairly regularly to repeat reads of this piece. And I sincerely hope you gain the recognition from it, that you deserve. I am listing this piece, and I am doing so with pride in my heart. Thank you for the read, Summit.
Blue Skies
Al –x-
21st Dec 2011 5:35pm
AliP
:)
Yes. Muggle would be special.
DUP has been special and so
has been everyone. When one
feels the growth from within
that's when every pause is
bliss. First it was Jack and
then you and finally JT.
Immensely constructive.
A reading. AliP.:) I wish I
could tell you what that would
mean to me. I will wait to hear
'it'. x
Thank you for the reference.:)
Mike is special and along with
a select few he deserves a time
and place. Soon.
Thank you AliP.
Deeply honoured and touched.
Light of the universe
be with you.
Curtsy,
S'
:)
Yes. Muggle would be special.
DUP has been special and so
has been everyone. When one
feels the growth from within
that's when every pause is
bliss. First it was Jack and
then you and finally JT.
Immensely constructive.
A reading. AliP.:) I wish I
could tell you what that would
mean to me. I will wait to hear
'it'. x
Thank you for the reference.:)
Mike is special and along with
a select few he deserves a time
and place. Soon.
Thank you AliP.
Deeply honoured and touched.
Light of the universe
be with you.
Curtsy,
S'
19th Dec 2011 5:17am
WW6:)
Well when you have comments from Muggle how can one follow up? (Whom I agree with) my thoughts were on the same lines and AliP speaks truth re listings
As I read this a scene out of Aldous Huxley's Brave New World (5th novel, written in 1931/published 1932; I recommend this read) flashed in my mind.
It starts in a 'Hatchery' where the Director explains to a group of kids that adults no longer produce living offspring that women ovaries are removed and are fertilised artificially n which are preconditioned for specified roles (in a predestined caste system) that they'll live when they hatch n how this is where they are born. #cloning
Everytime I read a poem of yours I'm literally thrown in a whirlwind of possibilities-- #daydreaming :p
[RubixCube]
Well when you have comments from Muggle how can one follow up? (Whom I agree with) my thoughts were on the same lines and AliP speaks truth re listings
As I read this a scene out of Aldous Huxley's Brave New World (5th novel, written in 1931/published 1932; I recommend this read) flashed in my mind.
It starts in a 'Hatchery' where the Director explains to a group of kids that adults no longer produce living offspring that women ovaries are removed and are fertilised artificially n which are preconditioned for specified roles (in a predestined caste system) that they'll live when they hatch n how this is where they are born. #cloning
Everytime I read a poem of yours I'm literally thrown in a whirlwind of possibilities-- #daydreaming :p
[RubixCube]
21st Dec 2011 5:42pm
RubixCube(Jordanne)
Ah! You had me at a
moment India calls
'tearjerker'.:)
Huxley is one of the
very few writers I have
read. Brave New World is
the second work of his
which I have read(The first
being 'Doors of Perception')
Chilling.
The relation you have depicted
here is stark and I wish I could
tell you more.
But so often you find the language
delimiting.
Thank you.
Curtsy,
S'
Ah! You had me at a
moment India calls
'tearjerker'.:)
Huxley is one of the
very few writers I have
read. Brave New World is
the second work of his
which I have read(The first
being 'Doors of Perception')
Chilling.
The relation you have depicted
here is stark and I wish I could
tell you more.
But so often you find the language
delimiting.
Thank you.
Curtsy,
S'
