deja vu

 
the art of pretending you're okay in a world of pain
choosing which happy emotions to wear
instead of showing genuine ones

hurts like a motherfucker
I've never been more alone
as I am sitting here holding tightly to my guilt

my pain isn't pretty
I can barely live with myself
cover it up is all I can do

coping with life as is hurts
deeds can't be undone
no matter how much I wish it

the suicide of a marriage
I committed matrimonial suicide
my marriage is dead it just isn't buried yet

knowing the days approaching will be under a black cloud
no matter what I do
all the good days of the year
can't make up for that one bad one

I sit with my guilt in the evening
after running from it all day long
I close my eyes and it's there with its accusations
I can't even deny the truth of it

the next day I awaken and hope it was all a bad dream
then reality sets in and it wasn't
you fucked up kid and you have to live with it
I tell myself bitterly