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Competition
backstage
girls spritzed
last drops of hairspray
and final application of red
lipstick
stage lights
burning
makeup sweating
off my face
after lining up
she turned to me
don't ruin this for us
we've been training
a year
for this
music starting
with one last look
over her shoulder
if you fall on your face
I'll try not to laugh
she bolted for center stage
metal soles of her feet shining
in stage lights
as she made a dramatic flourish
with her tambourine feet
she fell
not on her face
but her ass
she laid there on stage
about ten seconds
the judges like stone
had she been a wrestler
and not a dancer
She would have tapped out.
girls spritzed
last drops of hairspray
and final application of red
lipstick
stage lights
burning
makeup sweating
off my face
after lining up
she turned to me
don't ruin this for us
we've been training
a year
for this
music starting
with one last look
over her shoulder
if you fall on your face
I'll try not to laugh
she bolted for center stage
metal soles of her feet shining
in stage lights
as she made a dramatic flourish
with her tambourine feet
she fell
not on her face
but her ass
she laid there on stage
about ten seconds
the judges like stone
had she been a wrestler
and not a dancer
She would have tapped out.
Published 21st Dec 2018
Author's Note
A story from my childhood at a regional dance competition
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 3
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Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
Instant Karma! My heart hurts for competitive people. They obviously aren't aware of their own gifts and talents, and are threatened by others.
Well done. I have a few suggests:
backstage
(the) girls spritzed
the last drops of hairspray
and final application of red
lipstick
stage lights
burning
makeup sweating
off my face
after lining up
she turned to me
[don't ruin this for us
we've been training
a year
for this]
music starting
with one last look
over her shoulder
[if you fall on your face
I'll try not to laugh]
she bolted for center stage
(the) metal soles of her feet shining
in (the) stage lights
(and) as she made a dramatic flourish
with her tambourine feet
she fell
not on her face
but (on) her ass
she laid there on (the) stage
about ten seconds
the judges like stone
had she been a wrestler
and not a dancer
(I think) she would have tapped out.
The parenthesis are recommended extraneous deletions, and the brackets you either need to quote or italicize.
Other than those, I think it's great!
Well done. I have a few suggests:
backstage
(the) girls spritzed
the last drops of hairspray
and final application of red
lipstick
stage lights
burning
makeup sweating
off my face
after lining up
she turned to me
[don't ruin this for us
we've been training
a year
for this]
music starting
with one last look
over her shoulder
[if you fall on your face
I'll try not to laugh]
she bolted for center stage
(the) metal soles of her feet shining
in (the) stage lights
(and) as she made a dramatic flourish
with her tambourine feet
she fell
not on her face
but (on) her ass
she laid there on (the) stage
about ten seconds
the judges like stone
had she been a wrestler
and not a dancer
(I think) she would have tapped out.
The parenthesis are recommended extraneous deletions, and the brackets you either need to quote or italicize.
Other than those, I think it's great!
Yes, perfect feedback! Your suggestions instantly made the poem more poetical! especially deleting the extra verbiage which clogs the musicality.
thank you for quick and practical tips to make this an even more succinct poem
I think by cutting the extra words, it made it more comical too
thank you for quick and practical tips to make this an even more succinct poem
I think by cutting the extra words, it made it more comical too
21st Dec 2018 5:18pm
