deepundergroundpoetry.com
some days
it feels like
the best thing for you
is the blissful solitude
perhaps
we are meant to be
a solitary creature
after all
this social thing
that is life
the pressure
and expectations
that society
exerts
kills
some days
i lay
as clay
motionless and
emotionless
for God knows how long
at least on the outside
and it feels good
that way
some days
the best thing for you
is the blissful solitude
perhaps
we are meant to be
a solitary creature
after all
this social thing
that is life
the pressure
and expectations
that society
exerts
kills
some days
i lay
as clay
motionless and
emotionless
for God knows how long
at least on the outside
and it feels good
that way
some days
Published 4th Jul 2018
| Edited 14th Jul 2018
Author's Note
My deepest of Gratitude To Alistair Plint(RevolutionAl) for the honoring of the request for honest critique and the enhancement of this scribble with his help...S3, S4!
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 2
comments 16
reads 596
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Jul 2018 6:56pm
Yeah, I know exactly....a lot of social interactions feel draining. I do need intellectual stimulation, which I get through exchange with others, but it needs to be quality stuff...other than that I would rather not...silence is to be preferred to mindless chatter.
this was written last night...
yes silence is much preferred
and some make it a glorious one (i have an awesome friend who practices it that way and a couple of scribbles mention the same about her)
yes
we all need that intellectual stimulation and indeed many a social interactions feel draining if they are just for formalities especially. i'd rather spend my time alone or doing mundane stuff like cleaning my little yard than do that.
silence is glorious.
welcomed and appreciated
immensely
the visit
the review
yes silence is much preferred
and some make it a glorious one (i have an awesome friend who practices it that way and a couple of scribbles mention the same about her)
yes
we all need that intellectual stimulation and indeed many a social interactions feel draining if they are just for formalities especially. i'd rather spend my time alone or doing mundane stuff like cleaning my little yard than do that.
silence is glorious.
welcomed and appreciated
immensely
the visit
the review
4th Jul 2018 7:13pm
I can relate to enjoying the solitary feel atleast sometimes, solitude can be peaceful bliss and I do seek time away from those who love me just to be with myself. This poem muses in a very impressive, poetic marvellous evocative way. You write too eloquently ahhhh I should be envious. Kudos.
4th Jul 2018 7:26pm
welcome
is the poet admired!
welcome
is the review
kind and in-depth
honored and humbled are the feelings here.
glad it conveyed some meaning dear friend. yes sometimes... problem is not everyone understands the reason behind it...and then the interpretations and all that crap of the concerned ones is the next thing. Time and again we all need that bliss that solitude and silence offer.
appreciate the insight
the generosity
and not to mention
the visit
beyond words
is the poet admired!
welcome
is the review
kind and in-depth
honored and humbled are the feelings here.
glad it conveyed some meaning dear friend. yes sometimes... problem is not everyone understands the reason behind it...and then the interpretations and all that crap of the concerned ones is the next thing. Time and again we all need that bliss that solitude and silence offer.
appreciate the insight
the generosity
and not to mention
the visit
beyond words
4th Jul 2018 7:14pm
4th Jul 2018 7:26pm
Ooh this is wonderful. Love it. It's a subject I write of often too.Very close to my heart, recluse solitude.
About that critique we keep promising each other. This is mine...
"it feels like
the best thing for you
is the blissful solitude"
I love fast paced opening lines, that hook and this does just that. Though I wondered how you felt loosing "the" in L3.. To avoid repitition from L2?
it feels like
the best thing for you
is blissful solitude
S2...
is perfect. I'd consider a "?" at the end. Just to enforce the question, but as this piece is bereft of punctuation (and it works well here) It's not needed. just a consideration.
S3.
"
this social thingy
about life
and the sheer pressure
that is the expectations
of society
they exert
is a killer "
wondered what your thoughts were on making this one flow a little smoother? Possibly driving it's truth home sooner?
Something like...
this social thing
the pressure
and expectations
that society
exerts
kills
I dropped the word use and conjuctions in a drive to take it home.
S4.
"some days
i lay motionless
for God knows how long
in all essence
a clay emotionless
at least on the outside "
I bumped on L5. It seems to be a incomplete thought there, though the work before the line qualified it... Wondered what the result would be if reworked the line order?
some days
i lay as clay
motionless and
emotionless
for God knows how long
at least on the outside
that last line is a strong focus line... It could lie alone before the close if it looked okay like that to you.
The closing is stunning...
"and it feels good
that way
some days"
It may read colder if you killed that "and" that's if you wanted it to end that cold.
Love this poem so real and raw and solid. Nice job here my friend.
Blue Skies at you
Al
=)
About that critique we keep promising each other. This is mine...
"it feels like
the best thing for you
is the blissful solitude"
I love fast paced opening lines, that hook and this does just that. Though I wondered how you felt loosing "the" in L3.. To avoid repitition from L2?
it feels like
the best thing for you
is blissful solitude
S2...
is perfect. I'd consider a "?" at the end. Just to enforce the question, but as this piece is bereft of punctuation (and it works well here) It's not needed. just a consideration.
S3.
"
this social thingy
about life
and the sheer pressure
that is the expectations
of society
they exert
is a killer "
wondered what your thoughts were on making this one flow a little smoother? Possibly driving it's truth home sooner?
Something like...
this social thing
the pressure
and expectations
that society
exerts
kills
I dropped the word use and conjuctions in a drive to take it home.
S4.
"some days
i lay motionless
for God knows how long
in all essence
a clay emotionless
at least on the outside "
I bumped on L5. It seems to be a incomplete thought there, though the work before the line qualified it... Wondered what the result would be if reworked the line order?
some days
i lay as clay
motionless and
emotionless
for God knows how long
at least on the outside
that last line is a strong focus line... It could lie alone before the close if it looked okay like that to you.
The closing is stunning...
"and it feels good
that way
some days"
It may read colder if you killed that "and" that's if you wanted it to end that cold.
Love this poem so real and raw and solid. Nice job here my friend.
Blue Skies at you
Al
=)
14th Jul 2018 1:15pm
welcome welcome welcome!!
Dear Poet esteemed!
first things first.....
my deepest of gratitude and humblest of apologies together!
apologies for the delay in the expression of gratitude
especially when, someone has taken out the entire portion of this amount of time from their life and spent on a mere scribble, it sincerely means a lot!period.
and yes!! oh yes! Thank...You dear Al!!!
i love it.... the (obviously honest) critique!!!
my luck!
S1 is read, i hope in conjunction with the title...
say am a lazy guy
who prefers to meld the title with the body of the poem...some days..
idea was the poem is read like this
some days
it feels like
the best thing for you
is the blissful solitude...
what do you reckon?
having stated my reason...i do see your point and YES i agree
if read as i (inadequately) presented it(i.e. without title) the "the" is clearly excess..
you craftsman you!!
S2
believe me...i did have that "?"
and you chopped the head of the nail there...
i like my free verse inks...lets say..free of punctuation
S3
my Gosh!! yes sir...
word for word...
you put in straight "home-run" form
what i struggled to put there...
agree with you 100% Sir
i had fair amount of struggle putting it there...but when the poem comes...you write..so was the case...but that stanza kept bugging me..till you fixed it!! so...Hugs!!
same with the S4...
i love it...embraced open arms dear poet!!
i have some affinity you can say with the 'and'... just that tad bit of
keeping it...like having/keeping some sorta connection to the past so to speak... only reason...and I do see your point and agree about making it even colder!
Dear Al!!
I thank You wholeheartedly for the sheer gesture of kindness and honesty!
beyond words...and deeds!
Friend!
Blue Skies with cold drizzles your way!
:-)
Dear Poet esteemed!
first things first.....
my deepest of gratitude and humblest of apologies together!
apologies for the delay in the expression of gratitude
especially when, someone has taken out the entire portion of this amount of time from their life and spent on a mere scribble, it sincerely means a lot!period.
and yes!! oh yes! Thank...You dear Al!!!
i love it.... the (obviously honest) critique!!!
my luck!
S1 is read, i hope in conjunction with the title...
say am a lazy guy
who prefers to meld the title with the body of the poem...some days..
idea was the poem is read like this
some days
it feels like
the best thing for you
is the blissful solitude...
what do you reckon?
having stated my reason...i do see your point and YES i agree
if read as i (inadequately) presented it(i.e. without title) the "the" is clearly excess..
you craftsman you!!
S2
believe me...i did have that "?"
and you chopped the head of the nail there...
i like my free verse inks...lets say..free of punctuation
S3
my Gosh!! yes sir...
word for word...
you put in straight "home-run" form
what i struggled to put there...
agree with you 100% Sir
i had fair amount of struggle putting it there...but when the poem comes...you write..so was the case...but that stanza kept bugging me..till you fixed it!! so...Hugs!!
same with the S4...
i love it...embraced open arms dear poet!!
i have some affinity you can say with the 'and'... just that tad bit of
keeping it...like having/keeping some sorta connection to the past so to speak... only reason...and I do see your point and agree about making it even colder!
Dear Al!!
I thank You wholeheartedly for the sheer gesture of kindness and honesty!
beyond words...and deeds!
Friend!
Blue Skies with cold drizzles your way!
:-)
4th Jul 2018 9:56pm
14th Jul 2018 1:27pm
welcome
dear Peer!
appreciate immensely
both
the visit
and the
the review generous.
dear Peer!
appreciate immensely
both
the visit
and the
the review generous.
5th Jul 2018 5:14am
You expressed my misanthropy and longing for solitude so damn well CF...a poignant poem that states the beauty of sometimes just being alone.
Cheers...Harry
Cheers...Harry
14th Jul 2018 1:28pm
welcome
is the Poet admired!!
welcome
is the review generous and delightful
and kind!!
Harry...know this...means much more than you know! this gesture!
appreciation
beyond words Sir!!
is the Poet admired!!
welcome
is the review generous and delightful
and kind!!
Harry...know this...means much more than you know! this gesture!
appreciation
beyond words Sir!!
Anonymous
- Edited 22nd Feb 2020 11:45am
5th Jul 2018 12:43pm
<< post removed >>
14th Jul 2018 1:31pm
welcome
is the Poet admired!
Welcome
is the Friend!
also welcome, is the review kind and views invaluable.
yes indeed dear Friend it does allow us..to refocus, re-centre our attention, to truly appreciate and concentrate
on what really matters
and most!
gratitude.
deep.
is the Poet admired!
Welcome
is the Friend!
also welcome, is the review kind and views invaluable.
yes indeed dear Friend it does allow us..to refocus, re-centre our attention, to truly appreciate and concentrate
on what really matters
and most!
gratitude.
deep.
14th Jul 2018 1:33pm
well well well!
my Goodness!
pure joy!
the presence!
and the killer review... no kidding!
yes!
yes and
yes...
for some
years!
joy and appreciation
beyond words!
Dear
Friend!!
:-)
my Goodness!
pure joy!
the presence!
and the killer review... no kidding!
yes!
yes and
yes...
for some
years!
joy and appreciation
beyond words!
Dear
Friend!!
:-)
