deepundergroundpoetry.com
Hippie Chick
She offers me another toke
Another taste of bitchin' weed
Her bong fills with the richest smoke
Exactly what this dude will need
She removes her mini-skirt
Slides it down her supple thighs
Her fringed vest then hits the dirt
And my inhibition ups and dies
She rides me like a whirlwind
Slides me deep inside
I can feel the acid kicking in
And it seems my hands are tied
She says she likes me fried and bound
While she grins and grooves above
I come and request another round
An acid peak, or is this love?
Another taste of bitchin' weed
Her bong fills with the richest smoke
Exactly what this dude will need
She removes her mini-skirt
Slides it down her supple thighs
Her fringed vest then hits the dirt
And my inhibition ups and dies
She rides me like a whirlwind
Slides me deep inside
I can feel the acid kicking in
And it seems my hands are tied
She says she likes me fried and bound
While she grins and grooves above
I come and request another round
An acid peak, or is this love?
Published 16th May 2018
Author's Note
The '60s and very early '70s was a time of "free love." Wish I really was old enough to be an active participant. Still, I do remember the fun had by older friends. "Excuse me while I kiss the sky..."
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 1
comments 8
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
16th May 2018 10:05pm
I absolutely love this!
Your choice of meter ( iambic tetrameter? I think?) fits the content, which demands a strong rhythm. I am biased, I admit, because that is my favorite meter to use.
The only suggestion I can make to improve it, is to make the meter even more regular. That will make the words sound stronger. Forgive me if you have already considered this.
For example, your original second stanza is very close to being completely regular:
<rest> She re moves her mi ni- skirt
x / x / x / x /
<rest> Slides it down her sup ple thighs
x / x / x / x /
Her fring ed vest then hits the dirt
x / x / x / x /
And my in hi bi tion ups and dies
/ x / x / x / x /
That's almost perfect rhythm.
The only truly irregular spot is the "And" on the last line, which requires an extra stress syllable that breaks the rhythm.
The word "fringed" on the third line requires an old-fashioned pronunciation to maintain the rhythmic flow.
Fixing both, to achieve perfectly regular meter, would make it sound stronger:
<rest> She re moves her mi ni- skirt
x / x / x / x /
<rest> Slides it down her sup ple thighs
x / x / x / x /
<rest > When Her fringed vest hits the dirt,
x / x / x / x /
my in hi bi tion ups and dies
x / x / x / x /
x = unstressed
/ = stressed
Your choice of meter ( iambic tetrameter? I think?) fits the content, which demands a strong rhythm. I am biased, I admit, because that is my favorite meter to use.
The only suggestion I can make to improve it, is to make the meter even more regular. That will make the words sound stronger. Forgive me if you have already considered this.
For example, your original second stanza is very close to being completely regular:
<rest> She re moves her mi ni- skirt
x / x / x / x /
<rest> Slides it down her sup ple thighs
x / x / x / x /
Her fring ed vest then hits the dirt
x / x / x / x /
And my in hi bi tion ups and dies
/ x / x / x / x /
That's almost perfect rhythm.
The only truly irregular spot is the "And" on the last line, which requires an extra stress syllable that breaks the rhythm.
The word "fringed" on the third line requires an old-fashioned pronunciation to maintain the rhythmic flow.
Fixing both, to achieve perfectly regular meter, would make it sound stronger:
<rest> She re moves her mi ni- skirt
x / x / x / x /
<rest> Slides it down her sup ple thighs
x / x / x / x /
<rest > When Her fringed vest hits the dirt,
x / x / x / x /
my in hi bi tion ups and dies
x / x / x / x /
x = unstressed
/ = stressed
17th May 2018 00:20am
Thanks for the detailed and helpful comment, Reggiepoet. I usually just wing it when it comes to rhythm. I will study your comment and see what I can do. Thanks again!
Pardon while I kibitz...
That one line alone is an easy fix, to read:
"My inhibition up and dies". No need for the "And", and go singular on "up". c:
And I too love the poem, my friend... far out! <3
That one line alone is an easy fix, to read:
"My inhibition up and dies". No need for the "And", and go singular on "up". c:
And I too love the poem, my friend... far out! <3
17th May 2018 10:32pm
I was a child in the 60's and early 70's and I was pretty well insulated from the fascinating history going on around me. I delivered payroll in San Francisco during the 90's and the Haight Ashbury neighborhood was on my route...even then the hippy culture was still somewhat alive. I felt so positively dull and conservative walking those streets. I think you've described well what a Woodstockian tryst must have been. Many wonderful images flooded my brain while enjoying this scene. Bravo Sir Crow!
19th May 2018 8:48pm
Thanks Gahdess. I was lucky to spend a weekend in the Haight-Ashbury district in 1968. I have never quite gotten over it, and never want to.
19th May 2018 10:52pm
17th May 2018 10:35pm
dearest Sir Crow love the vibe
of this write your muse
is truly gifting you with her mojo :)
love Crim
of this write your muse
is truly gifting you with her mojo :)
love Crim
19th May 2018 8:50pm
