deepundergroundpoetry.com
Release me
I can't fucking breath
this stale air from yesterday
Please, please release me
this stale air from yesterday
Please, please release me
Published 17th Oct 2017
| Edited 18th Oct 2017
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likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 8
reads 898
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
17th Oct 2017 1:35pm
18th Oct 2017 4:32am
17th Oct 2017 1:40pm
The stagnancy is palpable in this.
Because you've requested Honest Critique, I would suggest a comma after the first ' Please ' in L3. This would add a brief dimension of pause prior to the repetition.
I would also recommend decapping ' This ' for a continued flow. . .and even spacing between L2 & L3 for empasis on emptiness.
While I typically eschew any punctuation in haikus or senryu, it would work in this one.
Thank you for sharing.
Because you've requested Honest Critique, I would suggest a comma after the first ' Please ' in L3. This would add a brief dimension of pause prior to the repetition.
I would also recommend decapping ' This ' for a continued flow. . .and even spacing between L2 & L3 for empasis on emptiness.
While I typically eschew any punctuation in haikus or senryu, it would work in this one.
Thank you for sharing.
18th Oct 2017 4:38am
Thank you so much for your feedback. I really admire your work. The storm has passed. Sorry for the histrionics
17th Oct 2017 5:32pm
Loud!
but feint.
like a scream that suddenly halted you'd wonder if you even heard right.
but feint.
like a scream that suddenly halted you'd wonder if you even heard right.
18th Oct 2017 4:40am
18th Oct 2017 00:42am
18th Oct 2017 4:41am
