deepundergroundpoetry.com
You-thanasia
The droning of machines go on...
The gleaming white walls worry me...
Footsteps outside...
Voices, brutally formal...
"There isn't much time"...
"Is there nothing we can do?"...
My mind races outside this cell...
To a room with a blue ceiling...
And a green floor...
Air conditioning was unecessary...
And your eyes were my light...
Elegant beauty unharmed by anything...
Our hands intertwined...
And you shone like a million galaxies...
Your hair dancing in the wind...
But now your hair lay still...
It's all gone now...
I'm at your bedside...
Waiting for you to close your eyes...
The gleaming white walls worry me...
Footsteps outside...
Voices, brutally formal...
"There isn't much time"...
"Is there nothing we can do?"...
My mind races outside this cell...
To a room with a blue ceiling...
And a green floor...
Air conditioning was unecessary...
And your eyes were my light...
Elegant beauty unharmed by anything...
Our hands intertwined...
And you shone like a million galaxies...
Your hair dancing in the wind...
But now your hair lay still...
It's all gone now...
I'm at your bedside...
Waiting for you to close your eyes...
Published 30th Aug 2011
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30th Aug 2011 1:34am
have a nice take on the subject.
the ellipsis's suggest the narrator might be struggling to speak due to sadness.
It's all gone now...
Now at your bedside..
because of the ellipsis's it would be hard to determine the full stop at the end of the first now, i see you have capitalized the Now at the start of the next line.that might of done the trick if all the first words were not capitalized. might i suggest changing the second now to I'm .
It's all gone now...
I'm at your bedside..
that said it's a good job man
the ellipsis's suggest the narrator might be struggling to speak due to sadness.
It's all gone now...
Now at your bedside..
because of the ellipsis's it would be hard to determine the full stop at the end of the first now, i see you have capitalized the Now at the start of the next line.that might of done the trick if all the first words were not capitalized. might i suggest changing the second now to I'm .
It's all gone now...
I'm at your bedside..
that said it's a good job man
30th Aug 2011 2:28am
thanks a lot Eamon, much appreciated for the opinion, hope it sounds better now!
