Loneliness

"two versions of one thought" - and done really nicely too. Captures the essence both ways.

Welcome to DU Josh and welcome to my scribble too! I thank you sincerely for your visit and such kind compliment sir!! Appreciate immensely both! warm  regards KDAmB

I like it...both versions.  We can't fill a void with what isn't meant to be there.  Well stated.

Welcome dear friend FTA!! appreciate immensely your visit, keen insight and generous appreciation. indeed we cannot fill it what's not meant to be. Thank You so much for all the three!! :-) warm regards KDAmB

This is interesting, Birdman. I like how you contrasted the two styles, and greatly prefer your typical. While it may be more simple, such simplicity allows the reader to drop effortlessly into its meaning.  
 
There is beauty in the latter's more intricate metaphor,  especially for those readers who love such; however, even those readers enjoy the simplicity of poetry, while those who enjoy simplicity might find the latter more tedius a read. Especially those new to poetry.  
 
Because you have requested honest critique, I'm going to honor that by selecting the first.  
 
Loneliness  
 
Version1:  
 
the loneliness slays  
[Do you need 'the'? You begin the next line with it.]  
 
the biggest of beasts  
yes  
void is a lonely place too  
[I was a tad confused by this. Are you saying void is the beast that loneliness slays? Or are you beginning a new thought? If a new thought, I'd suggest a space.]  
 
for it is missing its matter  
no matter how strong  
[I like that the context of meaning is different for 'matter', thus I think the repetition works and is a nice play on alliteration. Do you really need 'its'?]  
 
the graivty it hides  
for that missing matter  
[Did you mean gravity? I liked it because of the double entendre it would present, both in pull and seriousness of the situation.]  
 
if  
it is not meant to be  
then  
it is not meant to be  
 
The ending repetition works well here.  I keep wanting to contract isn't.  
 
You have a good poem with a depth of meaning I believe to be that no matter the desire we harbor for another (or how strong), some things (in this life) can never be.  That being alone doesn't mean loneliness, and that such can be a blessing that slays the beast of unjust actions.  
 
Thank you for the read and sharing different styles. It demonstrates your talent.

Welcome dear Sage One! :-)  
 
 first things first i.e. my gratitude for truly honoring my scribble and request for honest critique.  
 
I love it when somone shows a concern and spends some extremely valuable time out of their life for me. It truly means a lot. I embrace such gestures with wide open arms. Case in point my recent poem 'home' where my compatriot Kate helped me out with similar kind gesture.  
 
 I embrace your feedback and have thought and did wanna give self a gentle slap on the back of head for such obvious oversights.  
 
Re the two versions, I am glad I am on same page as you re the preference for the first one.  
 
I laughed out loud at the typo re- gravity as it was the word intended as you may see the typo not repeated in the second version. I wonder if such a word as 'graivty' exists.  ;-)  
 
 
The reason I didn't shorten the 'is not' to 'isn't' was the way it came to me and the way  I wanted it to be delivered- at a slow, paused pace. Hence I kept it that way.    
 
I  feel honored and looked after on recieving your helpful gesture dear respected friend. You  have truly honored my work.    
 
I thank You my friend wholeheartedly for all your help and friendship.    
 
warm regards  
 KDAmB  
:-)

I think my RL
says enough:)

~xo, Devlin

it says more than enough Dear Lady Dev!!

it says you're a kind and generous friend as well as an honorable poet!!

I welcome your visit and honoring my scribble!

Thank You Sincerely!!
:-)
KDAmB

I'm at a lost  KDAmB. Others have given you their prime time thoughts and words. I can only say the I too preferred the more simple version, however to "shroud it in so called poetic delivery" more times than nought confuses me.

I Welcome You Jerry!  
Thank You Sir, for the visit and sharing of your views as a true friend. I too Sir am, on the same page as you regarding - the 'shrouding' in poetic delivery. For me conveying of the message in simplest words is the aim, not the appearance of a poem shrouded in obscure or so called beautiful/poetic delivery.  
Always a fan of your works for I see the same in your works my friend!!  

 Thank You Sincerely!  
 KDAmB

The shadow poem to Home. Their presence carried within heart but nothing quite cuts it like physical connection in the present moment. Deeply felt Birdman.

Welcome Dear Friend!  
 
Thank You for pointing it out to me LR- the connection between the two poems- am certain it was sub-conscious as self was not thinking/aware of when penned this. Your presence is always a reason of grin on my scruffy face and joy to my heart! Thank You Meghawati!!  
 
And THANK You! for the honor of RL!
Cheers!  
KDAmB

Both poems have equal value - I have a preference for Version 2 but I would change the word desolate to desolation. for me this is not really a picking one situation, I like both for different reasons and both poems would stand alone as excellent poems :-)

great stirring stuff :-)

Welcome Dave! ☺ Thank You Sir!  For the appreciation and such deep insight into my scribbles. Yes,  both versions have their own pros for different audience. It is not but your generous nature that you see some good in both. I kept thinking about the word desolation in the second version and agree with you. You indeed are a Friend!  I thank You sincerely Dave!   Warm Regards KDAmB