deepundergroundpoetry.com
Swim
In the wee hours of the night
not a soul in sight
the sky has turned black
the world is on my back
somber and hurting
the lump in my throat is burning
I let those tears fall
they break down my wall
the wall I built so strong
the one that lasted this long
But now it's become a thing of the past
because those tears are falling fast
Even if I were to try
I wouldn't - couldn't stop the cry
Engulfed in an ocean of tears
Yelling out, does someone hear?
The river rises deeper and higher
I can drown in despair
but I decide to
swim.
not a soul in sight
the sky has turned black
the world is on my back
somber and hurting
the lump in my throat is burning
I let those tears fall
they break down my wall
the wall I built so strong
the one that lasted this long
But now it's become a thing of the past
because those tears are falling fast
Even if I were to try
I wouldn't - couldn't stop the cry
Engulfed in an ocean of tears
Yelling out, does someone hear?
The river rises deeper and higher
I can drown in despair
but I decide to
swim.
Published 3rd Jan 2017
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The author encourages honest critique.
4th Jan 2017 6:46pm
Amazing write! Describes exactly how one can feel with everything stacked against them.
Every word held me, the coice to swim and not drown, beautiful. Thank you for this write.
Every word held me, the coice to swim and not drown, beautiful. Thank you for this write.
5th Jan 2017 3:44pm
Anonymous
31st Jan 2017 5:25pm
<< post removed >>
3rd Feb 2017 4:07pm
Anonymous
2nd Mar 2017 12:10pm
Love it .. Sink or Swim... Always Swim Always.
✨Trish
✨Trish
15th Mar 2017 4:29pm
Hiya DITD...I appreciate this poem greatly. All to familiar with the walls I build. I often relate my own turmoil to the dark and drowning. This poem strikes a cord with me. Thank you.
Just a few thoughts...
(the wall I) built so strong - "protection" instead? - That is why I build walls anyway and wall was in the previous line.
(the one that lasted) this long - "unwavering" instead? complements flow with previous line
(But) now (it's become) a thing of the past - What if you removed "But" and "It's become" and entered a comma after thing?
because those tears are falling fast - You could elect to take out "because" as you have no need to explain
The river rises (deeper) and higher - deep? maybe...give it a read.
I can drown in despair
(but I decide to
swim.) - What if you left this last line open..."Or, I can decide to swim"...Leaves the reader wondering but you might want to stay with providing the reader with a decision of strength resilience. Just a thought.
This really is a lovely poem, please take my response as ideas to play with if you so choose.
Kindly,
Mel
Just a few thoughts...
(the wall I) built so strong - "protection" instead? - That is why I build walls anyway and wall was in the previous line.
(the one that lasted) this long - "unwavering" instead? complements flow with previous line
(But) now (it's become) a thing of the past - What if you removed "But" and "It's become" and entered a comma after thing?
because those tears are falling fast - You could elect to take out "because" as you have no need to explain
The river rises (deeper) and higher - deep? maybe...give it a read.
I can drown in despair
(but I decide to
swim.) - What if you left this last line open..."Or, I can decide to swim"...Leaves the reader wondering but you might want to stay with providing the reader with a decision of strength resilience. Just a thought.
This really is a lovely poem, please take my response as ideas to play with if you so choose.
Kindly,
Mel
15th Mar 2017 6:14pm
Thank you Mel! I appreciate your thoughts and feedback. I will definitely have all that in mind. I greatly appreciate honest critique.
16th May 2017 11:21am
"I can drown in despair
but I decide to
swim." ...
... a powerful way to end this poem. We always have an element of choice.
but I decide to
swim." ...
... a powerful way to end this poem. We always have an element of choice.
22nd May 2017 10:21pm
Yes! It's important to remember that sometimes the only thing we can control is the element of choice as you so eloquently put it. Thank you Josh...
