deepundergroundpoetry.com
Silver Trails
Intimacies are always available
to those who believe in Time
despite its tangible absence
beyond eggshell dimensions
snowy leaves through a window
the mudslide of impending rain
wet blades slicing into light
barren trees turning opaque
That would be us…Darling
fragments of apprentice stars
pledging sole allegiance to this
entangled moment of Love
An afternoon posed like morning
a sovereign innocence dimming
the fringe of noisy distraction
from all those bells and whistles
not all that glisters is diamond
sometimes it's flesh and blood
not all that's priceless is gold
sometimes it's a lazy afternoon
The only sound a sonar pulse
from the firm pillow of your chest
Trails of light move down the wall
Silver fish diving through lace
My eyes follow their slow descent
back to uncharted fathoms of sleep
~
Runner-up in Missy's Silver Snails Comp
to those who believe in Time
despite its tangible absence
beyond eggshell dimensions
snowy leaves through a window
the mudslide of impending rain
wet blades slicing into light
barren trees turning opaque
That would be us…Darling
fragments of apprentice stars
pledging sole allegiance to this
entangled moment of Love
An afternoon posed like morning
a sovereign innocence dimming
the fringe of noisy distraction
from all those bells and whistles
not all that glisters is diamond
sometimes it's flesh and blood
not all that's priceless is gold
sometimes it's a lazy afternoon
The only sound a sonar pulse
from the firm pillow of your chest
Trails of light move down the wall
Silver fish diving through lace
My eyes follow their slow descent
back to uncharted fathoms of sleep
~
Runner-up in Missy's Silver Snails Comp
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Re. Silver Trails
Anonymous
3rd Dec 2016 2:18pm
<< post removed >>
Re. Silver Trails
3rd Dec 2016 3:30pm
Sage one you weave such deep beauty in your writes..
i'm in awe of your loveliness..
love Brenda
i'm in awe of your loveliness..
love Brenda
2
Re. Silver Trails
3rd Dec 2016 3:35pm
Charming piece of poetical writing, Ahavati . . .
You were in no hurry when writing this ode
to love, life and memories . . . You began as
you ended it with the flair of amazing intimacies.
"Intimacies are always available
to those who believe in Time"
You were in no hurry when writing this ode
to love, life and memories . . . You began as
you ended it with the flair of amazing intimacies.
"Intimacies are always available
to those who believe in Time"
2
Re. Silver Trails
3rd Dec 2016 5:45pm
Anonymous
- Edited 27th Dec 2019 12:45pm
3rd Dec 2016 6:27pm
<< post removed >>
Re. Silver Trails
3rd Dec 2016 8:10pm
The last verse, in my opinion, is unnecessary. The riff on the lyrics to "Stairway to Heaven" ("all that glitters is gold...") just feels out of place in this largely reflective and sincere poem. Otherwise, I loved this poem. The verse in italics is a wonderful set-up of place and atmosphere, and the love described has a real eternal quality. Thank you for the read!
1
Re: Re. Silver Trails
You know, I'm going to have to agree with this only because I thought the same thing - but had doubts (when in doubt, wait). I feel like this is a Universal confirmation of sorts; however, some people love that part. I am thinking of italicizing it (that it reflects more like a train of thought like the second stanza), moving it up, and ending it with a couplet I almost started to...
How does it read now?
How does it read now?
Re: Re. Silver Trails
6th Dec 2016 2:50am
Differentiating it from the surrounding verses with italics certainly makes it feel more connected and organic to the poem's structure, if that makes sense. By moving up and italicising you've given that verse a stream-of-consciousness quality and, most importantly, made it feel deliberate as opposed to merely a tack-on at the end.
1
Re: Re. Silver Trails
6th Dec 2016 5:35pm
It wasn't really a "tack on" (for me, anyway). It was an actual stream of thought I had before falling back asleep. Feeling blessed for simple moments vs. grandeur. I had hoped it would convey an afternoon nap-type thingie, but it failed. Should've followed my first instinct and ended with the couplet. Or, maybe italicized the stanza as the second at least.
At any rate, thanks for the assistance. Appreciated.
At any rate, thanks for the assistance. Appreciated.
Re. Silver Trails
4th Dec 2016 5:51am
Beautiful and intimate. It touched me with a ghost of something I have yet to experience.
1
Re. Silver Trails
4th Dec 2016 5:55pm
I agree. Beautiful work.
I liked the imagery in italic.
Really serene and peaceful...like the world just stops for that moment, and you can breathe.
I liked the imagery in italic.
Really serene and peaceful...like the world just stops for that moment, and you can breathe.
1
Re. Silver Trails
4th Dec 2016 10:52pm
Re. Silver Trails
5th Dec 2016 12:31pm
"Tangible absence beyond eggshell dimensions"
wow - I enjoyed this my sister
The piece in italics was paced brilliantly
wow - I enjoyed this my sister
The piece in italics was paced brilliantly
1
Re. Silver Trails
I get the sense of an easy, comfortable detachment to all things hectic while reading. The overall atmosphere was amazingly serene and a pleasure to read...
1
Anonymous
- Edited 8th Nov 2018 00:49am
6th Dec 2016 4:50pm
<< post removed >>
Re. Silver Trails
16th Dec 2016 10:59pm
Re. Silver Trails
11th Mar 2017 1:03pm
I'm going to hang onto these words, every letter of each word.
..The effects of such calms
-Howlings
..The effects of such calms
-Howlings
1