deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lacking spacing as well as emotion.
Hollow, chained, can't breathe, suffocated --- in obsession, infatuation. I've been here too long, tied into a desperate tide but I suppose it's all I deserve, as per usual, uninspired by the status quo yet all we say is 'Go with the flow.' Remind me what's wrong with wanting the fireworks. Oh, I forgot again. Blow that candle out.
Published 4th Aug 2011
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likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 5
reads 843
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Aug 2011 6:45pm
interesting choice of structure L.A ,it works great though.
i got a certain feeling of claustrophobic emanating from the first line then it sort of calms down and gives in at the end.
i enjoyed the ride.
nice one!
i got a certain feeling of claustrophobic emanating from the first line then it sort of calms down and gives in at the end.
i enjoyed the ride.
nice one!
4th Aug 2011 8:20pm
"interesting choice of structure"
It's a run-on sentence (actually three but it acts as one).
It's really good if you want a "breathless" read (or delivery).
It doesn't give time for thought: like someone running up to you,
grabbing your arm, and telling you the details of having just
been robbed. Love this kind of stuff myself.
It's a run-on sentence (actually three but it acts as one).
It's really good if you want a "breathless" read (or delivery).
It doesn't give time for thought: like someone running up to you,
grabbing your arm, and telling you the details of having just
been robbed. Love this kind of stuff myself.
9th Aug 2011 8:39pm
Though I would go all the way: take out the periods (full stops) and commas; maybe use a conjunction
or two.
Also like the tension (cognitive dissonance) caused by the title's conflict with the body.
or two.
Also like the tension (cognitive dissonance) caused by the title's conflict with the body.
9th Aug 2011 8:39pm
