If I Were Young Today

If I were young today:    
I’d live rent free and sponge off my parents until I’m safely into middle age.   
I’d be an Arts student and major in something important like Post Traumatic Stress resulting from troll abuse.        
I’d adhere to one of the trendier forms of vegetarianism surviving on a steady diet of nutritional shakes, dexamphetamine or crystal meth.        
Killing and eating plants wouldn’t be a problem, because to misquote Kurt Cobain – plants don’t have any feelings.        
I’d dream of stabbing both my parents for making me go to school and work, and not buying me the very latest I-Phone.        
I’d have a beard, multiple piercings, large pink bow tattoos on the backs of my thighs, and a Butt-Plug.        
I’d aspire to be a barista, burlesque performer, professional protester or meth cook.        
I’d be asexual, atheistic, apolitical and amoral.        
I wouldn’t vote but if I absolutely had to it would obviously be for the Greens, Gay Alliance or Sea Shepherd.        
 
If I were young today:      
My only real friends would be my Facebook friends; my full photo album would be on Instagram; and my whole life story would be on Twitter.        
My musical tastes would include Indi, Rap, and Hip-Hop. The Indi would be a bland mix of remixes mixed and looped together to all sound the same; and the Rap and Hip-Hop would consist of various Harlem and East LA gang codes interspersed with sampled beats and plenty of bling.        
I’d not drive, but catch buses and trains instead; I’d avoid paying fares wherever possible, and refer to the drivers and guards as Fascists.        
All of my communication would be via mobile phone; and all of my sex would be via Silly Selfie Cams.        
My hair would be multi-coloured, permanently lacquered with product, and adorned with Christmas decorations.        
I’d on occasion have a Skinny Latte, wear Skinny Jeans, and Slim Fit Shirts, even if I were a size XL; shoes would always be an optional extra.        
Sometimes I’d wear stupid baseball caps that are too big for my great big head; and baggy trousers with no belt that I'd keep pulling up so they didn’t fall down; and loud sports shoes costing a year’s wages in a third world country; and still think I’m pretty fly in the Americanised mass market clone world, not so new not so edgy fashionista stakes.        
My hero-persons would be the Kardashians, Tim Minchin, Something Hyphen-Heidke; and the entire casts of Game of Thrones and Girls.        
Most of my life would be spent online gaming and I'd regard my true self as an avatar.        
I’d be extremely ultra-politically correct and completely non-judgemental about anyone or anything.
In fact I’d be so politically correct and non-judgemental that I wouldn’t really even exist.        
 
If I were young today:      
Instead of masturbating I’d self-harm twice a day; and if I were feeling particularly bored I’d also have a quick slash in the toilets at College, University or the Café.        
Grammar for me would be the equivalent of Latin; and words would be spelled as they sound and as texts, including fashionable acronyms of the day, WTF!        
I’d be a member of every minority group ever invented, and demand my fair share of victim status.
I’d wallow in my self-perceived misfortune; and blame every power elite and institution for my hopeless plight; except of course the Greens, Gay Alliance or Sea Shepherd.        
I’d blog incessantly, upload insane rants like this one; use multi-media to post clips on YouTube; and seek ridiculous amounts for my ‘narrative’ via multiple crowd funding sources.        
I’d have an App for everything; from brushing my teeth in the afternoon, to choosing my outdoor cinema experience that night.        
I’d be an artist, regard Banksy as a deity, go to trendy bars in alleyways, and hail Uber Taxis via one of my Apps.        
I’d pretend the whole ride home to be on my mobile talking to my dad the Coffin Cheater, and tip the driver with Bitcoins.        
I’d know so much thanks to Wikipedia I’d think I was a deity just like Banksy, and I’d be so cool and so bored and so broken and so lost I’d slash both wrists just for the fun of it, if it was ‘In’ and trending on Facebook - my death would go viral; imagine all those views and likes.        
 
But I couldn’t do that because it’d be too judgemental and politically incorrect, and worse still – it might get the ‘thumbs down’ from Banksy.