Dad?

 Dad, dad, oh that’s right, daddys long gone because statistically as a Black man, I only half the chance of having my father in my life, and unfortunately when that coin of fate got flip it didn’t land on heads, so I couldn’t be face-to-face with my father and have that father son connection that most of my friends seemed to have. Instead, that coin landed on tails which meant I had to watch my father walk out my life into someone else’s and forget all about me.

I remember writing you letters and half way through I would tell myself to “wait” because if you were cowardly enough to walk out my life then what good would these pieces of paper do.

Every muscle in arm never lets me forget what I wrote. “Dad, I learned how to throw a perfect spiral today, maybe we can get together and throoo(w).. …..oh, wait. Dad, I made this three pointer today and I kind of looked like MJ, you should come out and watch me play….oh wait.. Dad, today’s is father’s dad, so I made you this card in class, and I put my entire heart into it, and  I just can’t wait to give it to yo(u)…….oh wait. Wait. Wait. WAIT! How much longer must I wait dad, for you to realize that I wanted you in my life. And no, I can’t lie, I’m still not over it! Dad, I’m 18 now yet the child in me still wants to know what I did that was so wrong that made you leave my mother and I behind. Father, why did you let use struggle.      

And you know, for years I would put the thought of you in the darkest closet of my mind, acting as if it wasn’t you who left use but use who left you. That’s the only way I could keep myself from bursting out in tears when someone asked me about you. And my entire life I have been trying trying to contain this tears. Every day, every month, every season of the year I steadily tried to forget about you, but that’s hard to do when everything I’ve done in life was to keep myself from becoming my worst fear: becoming like you. And even when I thought that I had successfully forgotten about you, you were still able to influence my life even though you weren’t there.

It happened at my high school graduation. I remember walking across the stage; I remember shaking my principal’s hand..I remember looking into the crowd searching for a face that I knew would not be found! But you know, I still searched (screech). I began to wonder, what would it had been like to have a father. What if the coin of fate landed on heads instead of tales. What if, you decided to be a man instead of a boy. I wonder(hard). What should have been a great day was thrown in despair, but once I saw my mother shed those tears of joy I realized that even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing. She shed those tears of joy she didn’t get to shed at her graduation because she was 16 and busy working, trying to support her new born…me

You know father, I hope that one day you hear these words and when you do listen closely. I said I wanted you in my life; wanted, past tense because I realized that I don’t need you. In fact, I have a mother that played the role of a thousand of you. For every spiral I threw she was there to catch it; for every shot I took, she was there for the rebound, and for every card I made for you, father, she was there to cater to the invincible tears that flowed from my heart.
But you know what, I won’t hold a grudge; you just do you.. Just remember, dad, if YOU ever need someone to look up to then you can look up to me because I’m going to walk this path called life and show how a real man is supposed to be.