Ripper

Absolutely Brilliant Craic!
You are a gifted writer my friend, I always enjoy your scribes you really make the reader feel it all!
I might have to come back for a second helping, this is so deep on so many levels!
loves you
Zazzles xoxoxo
(In the list for sure! )

very kind of you to drop by and say, Lady. so thank you heaps and bunches for dropping by and leaving your thoughts

My pleasure ")

Can't help thinking of this as
the protagonist was also the condemner/murderer  (albeit the vibe alludes to metaphorical deaths)
and that he/she never foresaw the depth of tragedy in their own actions until late.
in any case, I appreciate your usual tact for putting out a chapter of thought in a small verse
comprised of everyday words...
some wise dude said "if you can't put it simply then you don't understand it fully"

hullo

ahh, i had thought the first couple of lines were a little ambiguous, but you were reading from the same page handy enough.  

i think where i failed here wis the title. I think with short stuff the title can be a critical component, gonna have to try sort it out

its always a pleasure to read your thoughts, Missus, so thank you for stopping by and leaving them

Ok, this was so pleasing and yes
you do possess such elements of
consequential surprises one. Wow,
to the end things. Never heard it
like this before.


-Howlings

Lady of the Howlings thank you, you are also very perceptive. I think the challenge for me anyway is to try say things different. I mean a lot of us share the same experience on some level and so express experience in a diverse fashion.  ..like your good self

you're very here, Lady. thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts

yeah....nice variation on rev'enge theme

cheers, Danny bhoy. nice to see you and thanks for your presence and thoughts

a variant, p'raps

Because you have asked, this is a very profound piece, except for the "cos", and I'm uncertain I'll be able to convey why. I remember English 310: Modern Poetry, where we had to write and recite a piece based on one of our favorite modern poet's pieces.  One student's was after Bukowski's 'Bluebird' (one of my top three favorites by him).  Anyone who's ever read or listened to him (Bukowski) recite that knows and understands Bukowski.  It's a sacred revelation to the inner workings and sacrifice of a true poet's self for the craft that aren't within many pieces of literature. Anyway,  this student used terms like " ya'll" that were like nails over a blackboard for me, almost sacriledge. Ruined the entire piece. The professor and majority of the class agreed (not that their agreement validated my critique).  

I'm not saying yours was the same depth of annoyance, but it caused me to stumble on what I felt was a lazy shortcut. It truly doesn't need it and could begin with "somebody".  What it does need, however, is a " be" between "I" (sorry, auto-correct simply will not allow lower case as written) and "the".  

I'm only saying this because the piece encaptures a depth of human nature for such brevity, and I hate to see it wasted on a lazy shortcut that's not even needed.  

Lastly, I like the title.

hullo, thank you  

have to agree with you about the cos. I've been eye-ing it up myself. my justification involved the thought that cos injected a bit of personal ..or personality ..kind of softness within the hardness  

but its a wishy wishy justification. and I agree a poem can be ruined by a word, especially one so short  


thanks most much for pointing it out in the way and wording which you did  

the lower case i's are part of the whole feeling, happy you noticed  

I'm not sure about the 'be' , I respect your opinion, I mean you were spot on with the cos  

its just, as it is now it reads  

"i'd the element of surprise"  or I had the element surprise which fits nice into the past tense  

i'd be the element would imply the murder is yet ti happen  


..I'll have to give it some more thought  

I appreciate the time you spent with your critique. I found it valuable and so thank you most very much for it, and for your visit here

*hat tip*  

edit:  tried starting the line with 'somebody' I think because helps a bit with the overall flow

I agree with you on the "be". I'd (no pun intended) some how read as 'I would', so I'm glad you didn't alter. Though, I would've used I had...(okay shutting up now...). I also like the revision of 'cos' to 'because'. It reads much better and doesn't detract from the depth of the piece, which isn't often done with such brevity.  I will elaborate on that point if you'd like.   
    
Lastly, thank you for receiving in the spirit it was intended. I've had my head bitten off before so tread carefully.  I really have to feel impassioned to defend a quality piece of work against the ego of its author. Not saying you're egotistical in the least. Your agreement proves that.  I simply mean that some poet's wouldn't have received or recognized the folly because of ego. And that is you sad for both them and the poem that wants to live free of it.

ahh,  I understand. I have had a critique or two put down by other commenters as well as the author. so, I'm a bit more picky about where I'll spend half an hour or so writing one. that said there's a whole lot of poets here who appreciate  
 
the had, I'm inclined to agree aswell, I mean case un point if your mind plucked 'I would' . its just I have 'had' on the previous line and so was reluctant to have a repeating word in such close proximity  
 
I think the answer may be to change the first had to needed, so I'll try that aft i finish this  
 
yes, I would certainly like to hear your elaboration  
 
 
and thank you again for your time, Lady  

edit:  I've used needed and had, wasn't completely sold on it, tried different line breaks.  I dunno, I may revert back

I personally like it a lot better. I would pull the final line up so it reads more smoothly. Seems a bit choppy now.

In regards to the depth of human nature, I just lost am entire response due to an inadvertent refresh. I will try to recreate i but sadly feel it won't be as good as the original.

cheers, lady  

its awkward sometimes, moving the structure around. no harm in trying it out. it does seem choppy  
 
 
ahh a ghost in the machine. my apologies for any stressed caused and my thanks for your thoughts

tippy toe round the seminar tree

(im having a look around don't mind me)

oh and i like it and i agree with the conclusions u drew

Hello

ahh, this one: may sound obvious but I remember writing it.

[ your comment is very lyrical, I bet you fart poetry ]

many thanks, for drop by and thoughts

the surprise attack is how you get em......they don't see a chest stabber comin brotha.....

John

good to see you. sorry i missed this m'man

ahh, element of surprise chest stab. seems to be gaining popularity in Gaza

cheers for dropping by and leaving your thoughts

Loved the element of surprise!!
Cracking as ever

Whale, good to see you here. sorry I missed this too. following so many poets my updates constantly change

hope all is well and seasons tidings to you

thanks for dropping by and leaving your foot print

Couldn't get the The Police's "Murder By Numbers" out of my head while reading

Good tidings to you, Jazzman

I like that song a lot, fair play and thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts

I am unable to respond as vibrantly and in such depth
as those ahead of me, but I will say, simply, I loved this
very unique poem.

Hullo, and welcome to DU, good being

thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts. much appreciated

This is an amazing piece! I love the the socking ending. "Surprise" as an element... this is so clever..
Congrats!

hullo

you're very kind, good fellow. and I am happy it struck you so well

thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts print

Well DAMN! Freakin' ingenious mad thoughts....
only you Craic, only you.... ;)  

hey,  it rained!

hullo lady,  if you persist on throwing words around like ingenious ...I will reluctantly accept them as gospel heh heh.

delighted to see you've been here, Lady and thank you for dropping by and leaving your thoughts

Ahhh, Craic, luv ~ :-*

This wee poem is quite remarkable. Tis a conundrum, luv, and endlessly intriguing. You've managed to convey such a wealth of meaning here and do so in an almost clinical-seeming fashion at first glance, it seems to me.  

The true glory of this pocket masterpiece comes through in multiple reads, I believe, as its impact, poignance, and sheer depth of feeling grow in sweeping tidal force, elemental in impact, much as a typhoon, luv...

Truly, this poem is stunning. :-*

Thank you, Lady  and welcome back

right enough, this poem has a certain criptisism at first glance. I think like you say, a re-read or two will unlock most all of the thoughts behind it am pleased with the way it turned out and if I'm honest it turned out bett
r than I had hoped

 thanks bunches and bushes for dropping by and leaving your thought print

I like your twist on this. However, the image in this poem makes me think of John Donne's "A Litany." Nice.

Thank you, and welcome to this place

A litany you say, I shall take that as a compliment

thank you for dropping by and leaving your thinkings

See... And this is why i fucking love your ass .. Damn After your execution .. I murdered myself to avenge you ... Wow .... I don't even know how to respond to be honest aweeee yes i remember now you tend to leave me speechless ................... Hello there long time no see ..

why are you eating your hair ? do you need food ? :)

Hullo

when you say it like that it does sound like laureate material. you're thanked much for dropping by and leaving your brain print

I am so glad I stumbled across this piece. You mention above that you thought the first two lines might be ambiguous, they are, and brilliantly so. I saw two scenarios on the initial reading but having read it a few more times now see three. Love it.

Hullo to you

I am also glad you stumbled upon the place. yeah, I had thought it a bit too much on the ambiguity, but it seems to have worked

thanks for your visit and words