going home just to die

its so cold being dead ,
he whispers to the voices in his head,
today was a bad day indeed
 
as he came to.
 crumbled up
 on the ground ,  
next to his bed
bleeding from his head  
,  
he tried again today with  no success ,  
 
he takes a grateful dead bandanna  
he sees under the bed
 cleans his face the
memories infect and poison his head
 
he keeps in contact
 with his doctor back west ,
 assisted suicide  program  
he has access ,  
6 month tho  
the program it takes
 for them to approve your fate,
 
classes and doctors he must see  
to prove in  certainty that
 this path ive truly chosen for me,
 
ever since he can remember  
he has wanted to die
and many times he has tried
 ,succeeding once
only to be brought back to life ,
 
to live in another curse  
on earth now knowing in certainty
there is an under-verse waiting for me....
 
fuck my nose just  popped blew blood all over the keyboard ill finish later my head hurts.
 
okie dokie folks lets finish this shit...start at last verse
 
there is an under verse waiting for me.
 
deep depression slithers in this shell of a body  
snakes bugs rats and guts fester inside me  
toixc holocaost reaction melt down whats left of me
 
you cant understand how powerful it is  
this skitzo-affective manic depprssion that is  
it consumes me  
eats me  
riddels my body
leaving me empty .
 
the health affects  of this mental illness are unknown
but i can tell you it destroys me more than the dope
maybe the addiction is a by product of this sickness
but i dont dwell on the origins of it.
 
its there to stay within me  
pushing the ones i love
far away from me  
keeping me isolated  
so it can have its way with me
endlessly .
internally  
it will torture me
 
i try not to take it out  
one the ones i love  
but only two  
have ever exsisted for me,.
 
 you say what about your blood family ?
 
 fuck those bitches  
ill sew them together  
to make a nice blanket
there soft skins  soothing me
 
 hey look my moms tattoo  
i remember when she got that to.
i knew you had a purpose mom  
thanks alot to

now i scan the skins  
looking for the rest of my kin
playing connect the dots.
like i was a kid again