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Lip Stick Code (Code Dark Blue)
I get the text...
"Park Five minutes"
At first I roll my eyes
But quickly got excited
So I text back
"What color?"
He responds with a short reply
"Dark Blue"
I looked all over for it
Once I found it I applied it
I was careful to fill my whole lip
My lips were the loveliest shade
I walked to the park talking my time
My usual three minutes late
He sat on the park table and glared
"You're late" He grumbled
I laughed and sit by him
"You mad at me baby?"
He shrugged and pulled me close
He looked at my lips "Perfect" he muttered
Before he crushed his lips roughly against mine
We had waited weeks for the colors to come in
We had a code for the twelve colors
Saves time when you're just in it for the sex
Dark blue meant public make out session
It was my favorite color and wore it sometimes to mock him at school
"Park Five minutes"
At first I roll my eyes
But quickly got excited
So I text back
"What color?"
He responds with a short reply
"Dark Blue"
I looked all over for it
Once I found it I applied it
I was careful to fill my whole lip
My lips were the loveliest shade
I walked to the park talking my time
My usual three minutes late
He sat on the park table and glared
"You're late" He grumbled
I laughed and sit by him
"You mad at me baby?"
He shrugged and pulled me close
He looked at my lips "Perfect" he muttered
Before he crushed his lips roughly against mine
We had waited weeks for the colors to come in
We had a code for the twelve colors
Saves time when you're just in it for the sex
Dark blue meant public make out session
It was my favorite color and wore it sometimes to mock him at school
Published 7th Oct 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
7th Oct 2015 4:15am
Very...luscious dear...the poem and the pic. Sensuous and vital.
7th Oct 2015 4:23am
11th Oct 2015 7:09am
Your story, protagonist and narrator are delightful. The original idea is sexy and frankly mental gymnastics.
In terms of the writing if I may offer a honest opinion, you seem to battle with tenses in this one, y'know... past, present, future. See if I used this line from your piece as an example "I laughed and sit by him" the word "laughed" is past tense, but the word "sit" is present tense. So if you had said "I laughed, sat with him" (past tense) or "I sit with him laughing" (present tense). So why is what I am saying of any value at all? Well, if you keep an entire poem in a single tense (as much as possible) it makes it easier to read which translates to flow. A flowing poem generates it's own rhythm.
I hope you see that this is just my opinion and honest comment, because I would loathe the thought that you would consider it negative, the entire idea is stellar and the concept is quirky. My comment is only there in the hope it would be of value to you!
Thanks for the read
I enjoyed that!
Al
;)
In terms of the writing if I may offer a honest opinion, you seem to battle with tenses in this one, y'know... past, present, future. See if I used this line from your piece as an example "I laughed and sit by him" the word "laughed" is past tense, but the word "sit" is present tense. So if you had said "I laughed, sat with him" (past tense) or "I sit with him laughing" (present tense). So why is what I am saying of any value at all? Well, if you keep an entire poem in a single tense (as much as possible) it makes it easier to read which translates to flow. A flowing poem generates it's own rhythm.
I hope you see that this is just my opinion and honest comment, because I would loathe the thought that you would consider it negative, the entire idea is stellar and the concept is quirky. My comment is only there in the hope it would be of value to you!
Thanks for the read
I enjoyed that!
Al
;)
14th Oct 2015 8:07pm
I hadn't noticed that at all! I will correct it as soon as I possibly can. Never be sorry for correcting me. I appreciate every single criticism. I haven't written in a long time so I am still in the rusty side of things. Please, read more and point things out for me. I'd love it if you would.
