the only life raft in this hurricane is me

You have so many good qualities
but picking me up when I’m down
has never been one of them

There is a hurricane in my head tonight
that I can’t explain
and I know, I know
I shouldn’t try and lean on you
but I do anyway despite
the ancestral memories
that tell me I’m wasting my heart

You’re not cruel
so much as cold
and I get, I get
that you don’t really have the time
to buoy me from my ocean storms
when you’ve got your own riptides
to contend with

Because it’s not our difference that defy us
but our sameness
with our iron glass hearts
fragile, rusted and faking
impenetrability

Strength is all we have left
when the darkness promises to drown us
in guilt and memories
and scarred tomorrows
and yet some days strength
doesn’t feel like enough

It doesn’t stop the beginning
of this fall into myself
where all my demons haunt me
with the knowledge that there is more
than one way to drown

And perhaps my pain
in this sleepless fractal moment
is not that that I fall into air on your shoulder
but that I ache not to feel so alone tonight
with your frost echoing though my head
though not my bones
where it would be more welcome

© Indie Adams 2014