Heart poured on to these pages...

Going through my stuff I found a conversation that we had some time ago and I wondered:  Where was it that things changed so drastically?  Was it me?  Was it you?  Or was it just that our most precious moment was that single conversation, where you told me you cared, you hurt, you enjoyed my company and you felt so bad when you realized you had hurt me.  Was it because you were off drugs?  I have the feeling you never quit, or maybe you did, and it hurt you too much.  I hurt you so much.  I will be forever sorry about all the things I’ve said.  All the things I did that made me like everyone else.  I want to be me, and I am when I’m with you.  I had lost myself the day I left Peru, I felt my heart get separated from my body as soon as the plane took off.

I had told myself that I was never to find love again, that I didn’t want anything serious, that I would go back to my ex when the time was right.  But you know what?  That was a lie, I was too afraid to let someone in to my heart, I was too scared of hurting and being hurt.  I needed a motivation and my past, what my heart had once felt, and the promises that were long gone were the only thing that kept me together.  And then I met you.

You were the type of person I wanted to become.  You were so outgoing, so relaxed, and so liberal.  I knew there was more to you than all that, I even saw it was just a charade to please people.   And then our eyes met each other.  I smiled, you winked your eye, I giggled and you smiled, I lifted my eyebrow and you bit your lips.  And so we met.  I am not one that just likes to mess around with someone, that’s why I kept repeating that I didn’t want to hurt you, that I didn’t want anything serious.  I was just talking to myself, because I knew where all of it was heading to.  I was slowly falling for you.  It was never just kisses and giggles.  I wanted to get to know you, and you had opened up to me so quick, you had told me that you used to do drugs, that you had suicidal thoughts, that you cut yourself, that you did things that made you an awful person.  I cried to you about part of my past, and you took me to the back of the GYM stairs and laid with me, comforted me; you let me cry and suffer in your arms.  I don’t know if I ever told you this, but that was the moment I fell for you.  And then I was stupid.  I let myself hide in my fear of falling in love, because I would always see you with all these people, you were always going out and getting drunk, smoking; I hated to kiss you and feel the liquor or cigarette smoke.  But I wanted you despite of that fact, and that scared me.

Then, Sheccid found herself a little toy, her “pet”, she screwed up my whole life, she pulled me away from you by being with Neko.  And you were like whatever.  And I had lost myself again.  He raped me.  And I felt like a slut.  I had felt bodiless, senseless, and worthless.  I tried to kill myself in new year, I wanted to escape and never show up again and then I saw you again, and I got to hang out with you a bit and I felt myself be me again, you took the pain away, with that smile, and laughter, that warmth.  Every time we could see each other were the best moments of my stay here, they were the reason I kept on going despite of all the drama going on at job corps, and with my exs.  And then I finally asked you why you did it, why you kept killing yourself slowly, and you promised you would write a letter, I waited, and I’m still hoping that you will give it to me.  There are many things of myself that I haven’t told you, hoping that with time we will find the right moment to share them with you.  That one day as we walk through the park or any random street we will look back and laugh at how stupid we were trying to live without one another.  But I know those may be just foolish wishes of a little girl that just wants to love and be loved.

Danny had asked me how was it that I was having so much fun when I told him that I kind of didn’t wanna leave.  I didn’t know what to say because in reality, just letting go of myself, not having control of a situation, not constantly acting as if I was at a workplace, constantly trying to prove that I was the best to anyone, being myself after so long, that was so much fun, it made me feel free.  You made me feel free; something that I haven’t felt ever since I was in Peru.  When he asked me what we were, I froze, I wanted to say that we were together, that I’d take you to Cali with me if I could, and that I wanted you to move out there with me as soon as I got a place of our own.  But I froze, because I was scared that that would freak you out and I’d lose you.  Suppose that doesn’t matter anymore, I will always feel that though.  I will always be there for you, whenever you want, I’d throw everything away for you, but I know you want me to succeed, and that makes me want to sacrifice it all for you even more.  Krystal, no matter what you do or what you say, I will always be here.