deepundergroundpoetry.com
Cardinal Sign (Primrose's Cardinal Sign competition)
The fickleness of mind:
Is in my estimation,
The cardinal sign
Of an immortal mind.
That we are still alive
Points inexorably towards
Us as mere baseness;
For we who are alive.
Great minds wander far
Yet focus deeply,
While ours quickly wander;
But cannot focus far.
Is in my estimation,
The cardinal sign
Of an immortal mind.
That we are still alive
Points inexorably towards
Us as mere baseness;
For we who are alive.
Great minds wander far
Yet focus deeply,
While ours quickly wander;
But cannot focus far.
Published 22nd Oct 2013
| Edited 23rd Nov 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
22nd Nov 2013 00:14am
There's a good philosophical theme here, but it's obscured a bit by some strange syntax. The first semi-colon could be replaced with a comma, then have "is" put before it. Also, who exactly is "us"? At first I'd have guessed humanity, but then you mention "great minds" in contrast to those in possession of "us", which makes me think that you're referring to a specific group.
At its best this poem achieves an elegance of expression which captures the mind. It just needs a little tightening here and there to realise its full potential.
At its best this poem achieves an elegance of expression which captures the mind. It just needs a little tightening here and there to realise its full potential.
23rd Nov 2013 00:27am
The 'Us' is humanity whereas great minds are the potential humanity, or rather the inhuman and now great.
I think I will tweak your advice a bit, put in the colon but put the 'Is' on the second line. The first line is like that as its like a tagline.
I think I will tweak your advice a bit, put in the colon but put the 'Is' on the second line. The first line is like that as its like a tagline.
