Still laughter

I never meant to make her feel like that girl
like the girl i'd just mess around with
like the girl that has to fight everyday for an ounce of respect
or attention
i wanted her to be the girl who's hand i would hold and who i would write poems for
and yesterday in the darkened room we sat i listened to still laughter
echoing through my ears
reverbating in my bones
striking my heart piercing to my soul
and for a moment a flower would bloom
but like most of mine i would attempt to pluck it to soon
and in an instance i ruined something good
killed something beautiful prematurely
and that still laughter i miss it already
i miss having it close
because after i left it i feel like i couldn't breath
like a 2 ton weight had descended upon me
and today
i don't feel much better
because of the tantrums i threw
i never meant to make her feel
like i blamed her
like she was that girl
i just wanted for giggles
just for fun
just for a little
because thats not what i want
not anymore
i want her to be ever present in my life
i want to bask in her beauty
i want to know her
because apparently i didn't
i want to hear her laugh and hold her close enough to know when she is even when sound isn't made
Comedy is usually my remedy to blues but after
last night
it just ain't the same
and idk what to do
and idk what to say
i just want a real chance
to tell her
i know she doesn't want me really just yet
and maybe she won't ever but
i can't forget
now seeing her in the light of laughter
because her smile
broke me down
and her kiss built a new me
and she deserves fire behind her because thats how bad she is
and i stumble over the words i wish to say
my usual tongue is stilled and replaced by a bumbling rambling idiot
she breaks my composure and quick wit
even this poem i write isn't my usual thing but i just had to let it out
because after hearing i didn't know her
didn't know the girl i dreamed of
didn't know who she was or how she felt
i sobered up and really looked at how i felt
and looked around and realized
she was beautiful and kind
and she was midnful
but not mine
because it was a first date
not an engagement and
where we go from here i'm not quite sure
but i hope we go somewhere
where my writing is better
because she deserves a work of art