deepundergroundpoetry.com
Play it again
your jaw
your manly jagged jaw
so damned handsome
they said
watching your party trick
the trick called gentle
words like cheers
love
and baby
hand in the small of my back
easy with the proud smile
winks my way
and we're leaving
because you can't wait to get me
home
not because
you need to sort me out
last night
never happened
it's mixed in with the gravel
of your voice
part of the concrete
paving the way home
to words like bitch
you're pushing it
and don't move
this finger's not broken
because tables don't fly
and tonight
I'll play the piano
while you sing
your manly jaw
working those tones
off key and never mind
smiling around the crowd
she plays like the radio don't she
beer in your fist
so damned handsome
(months since I've posted, so starting small with this one ...)
Published 15th May 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 1
comments 11
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
15th May 2013 7:26am
nice job
expected you to go one way with it
and then you headed in a completely different direction...cool
expected you to go one way with it
and then you headed in a completely different direction...cool
15th May 2013 9:00am
I'm pleased this caught your attention Deborahlee3313; thanks for taking time to read and comment, cheers
15th May 2013 11:22am
Weird, quirky and fuckin' great.
Had a problem with the second line in stanza one. Was it intentional that you meant someone else's man's jaw?
I really like the step from your subtle writes to this; it works beautifully. I have nothing more to say without kissing your arse.
Had a problem with the second line in stanza one. Was it intentional that you meant someone else's man's jaw?
I really like the step from your subtle writes to this; it works beautifully. I have nothing more to say without kissing your arse.
15th May 2013 11:38am
Goodness, that's a welcome back if I've ever received one, thank you Mr Alptraum, for your encouragement.
Regarding "your man's jaw" yeah I really couldn't make up my mind on that one - "your manly jaw" may be better, to avoid ambiguity. I appreciate the correction, thank you :-)
Regarding "your man's jaw" yeah I really couldn't make up my mind on that one - "your manly jaw" may be better, to avoid ambiguity. I appreciate the correction, thank you :-)
15th May 2013 1:32pm
Kaatho, welcome back dear Lady
Yeah, Reads pretty well missus. I think in terms of stanzas, the first is missing the kind of seamless fluidity that the second and third possess. I'd imagine that's because of the lack of punctuation, which is totally understandable. But if you take the lines from " so damn handsome" to
"winks my way" I had to stop and check a couple.of times that I was reading them in the way that I figured.you wqnted them read. (hope that makes sense).
Last two lines in the first are golden :)
I agree with Mr A , its quirky and quite great but I do see some subtle weaved into this too.
Great stuff Kaatho, shine on
Yeah, Reads pretty well missus. I think in terms of stanzas, the first is missing the kind of seamless fluidity that the second and third possess. I'd imagine that's because of the lack of punctuation, which is totally understandable. But if you take the lines from " so damn handsome" to
"winks my way" I had to stop and check a couple.of times that I was reading them in the way that I figured.you wqnted them read. (hope that makes sense).
Last two lines in the first are golden :)
I agree with Mr A , its quirky and quite great but I do see some subtle weaved into this too.
Great stuff Kaatho, shine on
15th May 2013 2:25pm
Was so tempted to put in punctuation (especially inverted commas for speech) to clear some areas, but it seemed then to read clumsily ... however, something needs to be done to smooth the first stanza, I agree. Will have a thorough think about it. Cheers for your kind consideration there CraicDealer, and thank you for your warm g'day ;-)
Consider this good Lady, one of the techniques used by people when struggling with punctuation being a hindrence rather than a help is to use more line breaks.
This tecnique might suit your first stana just nice :)
and you're totally welcome, happy to see you about the place
This tecnique might suit your first stana just nice :)
and you're totally welcome, happy to see you about the place
15th May 2013 7:32pm
15th May 2013 11:53pm
24th Nov 2013 11:23pm
this is so extraordinary. I've read it over and over and can't choose a favorite part. also the last lines are such a great way to end this.
25th Nov 2013 10:53am
Sensorydecay, first meeting and you're making me blush ... thanks for letting me know you enjoyed this. Cheers :-)
