mental illness

thank you for your great entry..

THE BLACK DOG

Don't look away because I'm getting real with it
Talking about depression how it feels and how to deal with it
It's something that money and cars and women won't heal
So listen for a minute while I lay it down for real
You can't understand it if you haven't been through
So I'm going to try to paint a verbal picture for you

They call it the Black Dog
He comes and goes without  please
He brings the black cloud
That will force you to your knees
That dark bubble that engulfs and surrounds your clear mind
Will leave you clouded and full of bad thoughts the worst kind

The first time I had a taste I thought today's a bad day
Two months later still nothing has gone my way
Motivation is gone sleep sleep away for so long
It's a sad song and if you change channels these thoughts will be gone
But that's not how it works
You have no choice in this matter
Medication or toughen up
I always had to choose the latter

If a man was on a ledge I would know just what to say
Because I admit I talk myself down every day
It's inherent it's genetic
Not something I chose
But I choose to expel it
Using deft verbal prose

A good day for some can leave me cowering in fear
Because I feel the Black Dog
His growling is so near
A friend said she should ask people how their day is more often
A friend can chase those clouds and make those dark thoughts soften
I've been in a place I never thought I'd return from
I've been at my lowest and heard people say I'm wrong
Saying that I'm weak and that my courage is worthless
When I just can't escape I crave a life that is curseless

Keep your head up and just remember one thing
Lightning strikes from the ground up
So find your power within
Find something that lights your fire and something to hold on to
Tell yourself it's worth living even if you don't want to

If you suffer I suffer we are in this together
I will keep watch regardless of weather
The Black Dog scares me but I'm strong and I know it
You have the power too and I'll help you to show it

Depression is real but it's never your fault though
If you're in this with me then I just want you to know
I love you and you're needed so please keep on going
I'm trying to save us all with the hope that I'm sowing

Smile today because tomorrow might be bad
But regardless of mental illness I'm alive and I'm glad

thank you for a very real and moving entry..

Yes, I have a "mental illness". . .I'm not Evil enough!


~ Not Evil Enough?

Though,
this is not a poem
about "Evil",
I regret to inform
anyone who cares
to read this
that this piece
is rather a reflection,
my [poetic] version
of an unvisual Selfie ~
a "Pelfie" ~ poetic Selfie ~
if I may

. . .so

it has occurred to me

. . .lately

that I haven't been
"Evil" enough
in my poetry;
even my Avatar
has the fucking blues.

. . .stupid Bitch!

I've been trudging through
the Love & Drugs "sin-drome",
betraying ~ the "Diva of Darkness"
inside me ~ Shit! Fuck!
'Cause I really like her.
She's evil.  
She's deathly beautiful.
And someone once said
that typing "Devlin"
in their tablet
auto-corrects to "Devil";
While amusing,
I am Honored.

But in actuality,
and with my darkened dry spell,
Dr. Evil
would surely be most disappointed,
stripping my Diet Pepsi
from 1 calorie
to none.

I am not Worthy,
I think?

Oh, what to do,
what to do
with all this
unevilmindlessfucking
tragedy
has my mind
contemplating
suicide;
I'm seconds away
from strangling
my cerebral
with every letter
of the fucking alphabet!

But as with the basics
fundamentals of [domestic] life
which can truly suck,
I still am grateful with whatever:
I'm needed,
I'm depended,
I'm desired,
and the bottom line is

is that I just can't simply afford
my funeral.

Maybe tomorrow
will be different;
it will be Sunday,
maybe I will attend Mass
and grasp onto a prayer:

"Please, Lord,
help me get my evil
back. . .~Amen."

But then
I just realized
what good
would a prayer like that do,
when I'm already
"Evil Enough"?



http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/212753-not-evil-enough/

thank you Lady Devlin Queen of Darkness for a revealing and fantastic entry..

Depression...before I figured out & accepted what it was....


Self-destruct

“How was your day, honey?”
You must not have noticed that I’m drunk at home on a Monday night.

The boiling uncertainty beneath that competent stranger in the glass is scalding
Seething within for something intangible, unattainable
Delusional dreams of desires that shouldn’t even exist
Straining towards an unreachable goal that I both want and fear
So frustrated
With my inability to connect
With my unwillingness to accept
With my misreading of all the signs

I want it all to be different
While staying the same
I want to shed this skin
But still wear these clothes
Ashamed of my dissatisfaction with a life that is known to be blessed

Where did this flailing rage originate?
Either I’m lying to myself and a vengeful predator
Or I’m the prey caught in a desperate trap
Yearning for crumbs of poison bread
Drops of bitter wine
Stretched thin on a rack of indecision when there is no real decision to make
Apart from how to feel
And neither option is good
Loathing of my evil calculating self
Or pity for my desperate hunger

Reach out for numbing distraction
Knowing this is the wrong path but unable to leave it
Just make it go, make it go
Make it all go
Away

I feel you thank you for your entry..

What is it that whispers
from within the back
of my brain
what is it
that slips
twisted thinking
between the cracks
of the path
that i create
where every thought
that i make
hides a crossroads of fate
that awaits
for my decision
on what path
i will take

thank you for a deep entry..

I wrote this a while ago, back when I was still afraid to seek help.

The Raven
I see you in my dreams..
I hear you in my head.
Pecking at my soul,
When I'm wide awake instead.
As you spread your blackened wings,
And you soar along the sky so grey.
For me you will sing..
As I fall to my knees,
The air around me grows colder.
I wonder if the world can see,
I wear this raven on my shoulder.

thank you for a deep entry..

Overture of a Manic Mind

And this thought wound round
And round

And not solving
Is it worth solving, wrong?!

And A William Tell O plays in my head
Including his great dread...

The tears that must have ran..
And fingers twisted crossed...

Knowing....
Knowing...

Know!!
Stooopppp!!!

Miss that shot?
What you got?

Brain scattered everywhere!!
Bloody fucking hell!

I am already there.......

thank you for a very powerful entry..

I sent this up for public vote my apologies you all came forth with such moving entries I couldn't decide alone..

thank you to all who voted!!!

beautiful Katja congratulations