Addiction

I hear my demons squealing,
as I tear them from their meaning,
Seemingly spinning my wheels,
The things that may kill me still have appeal.

They told me, "Write what you feel,
Live in each moment as you begin to heal",
It is not like my mind is bursting its seals,
None of this shit feels real.

Nah, it all feels way too real,
I can barely stomach the meals,
That I used to fucking steal,
A disease of need has no ideals.

Just a shell of a body to swallow the pills,
So it is mind over matter as i battle up hill,
trying to rebuild my will to live,
I need to find peace to be.. still.

Seven days of sobriety and I can't sleep,
Anxiety in my dreams I see reality laughing at.. me?
I pick up the pieces and clean up my routine,
I need no vaccines but to be a better me and find a new scene.

I realize this may just be the beginning,
My insides hurt and my bell is ringing,
No telling how much more of myself i can take,
Escaping the mistakes i made when i was just a fake!

I may take it all back in a flash,
The 100 drug dash i bet ass i wouldn't finish last in,
But this whiplash now leaves me feeling like trash,
I must move pass the sadness stacked back in my past

Focus now for we are in the present,
Like fucking wow we all learned some lessons,
After all the questions and long winded confessions,
We find that the mind is the sharpest weapon against self deception.

This infection spreads as we count our blessings,
Too many friends left dead just to keep us guessing,
what is next if we don't keep progressing,
I suggest a collective consciousness may address what we are suppressing.

We cannot neglect to keep checking our set and setting,
because I am betting we will find some lasting self-respect,
If we reject how we disconnect instead introspect
on a quest to resurrect and self architect!

You became my Addiction 
My fix to pull me away from reality 
At first it was full of laughter and fun 
Then slowly it grew dark and I wanted to run 
You started to say things to hurt me 
Till your actions drove me to my blades 
The very thing you asked me to leave 
Worse and worse it got 
Till I started to cry myself to sleep 
With a pocket knife lying beside me 
As I stay locked away 
Hiding from society 
I cant leave 
This cell we've created 
You became my addiction 
The one I couldn't shake 
I tried to leave but it hurt more then staying 
Even as you push me away 
I scramble for my fix 
Anything to make you stay 
Even though I know you don't love me 
I will never leave 
Even as I feel my heart breaking 
As I start to lose the pieces 
Filling with insanity 
Trying to satisfy my addiction 
All that my heart will ever need 
I will not break the promises we created 
I'll see it through to our wedding day 
The one you picked 
The one I wouldn't change.

deleted

**Tidal Waves**

Once is too many
A thousand is never enough
Mentally exhausted
Caving into her weakness
Darling
You're worth so much more
Than a ten second rush
A beautiful flushed face
Pinned eyes
A mouthful of lies
Telling yourself you can't
Go on
Without... but
Without a doubt
My dear
You can persevere
You're not too far gone
You can still see land
I can see the ocean
In your eyes
Rising and falling
Crashing and crying
The sea is unforgiving
Swallowing up ships
Spitting them out a wreck
But you are not that
You can forgive
And you will
Unlike the sea
You are not cold
This abyss of addiction
Is not your final destination
Your currents will shift
You'll flow smoothly
Soon enough

6 Blue 10/325


6 blue 10/325
man I cant wait to get high
Crush em smash em
6 lines I make
Feel the anticipation
My nose
The only intake

whoo, feel that burn
Taste that taste
Lick the mirror
No need to waste

30 minutes it starts to hit
That tingling
This feeling
Its fucking legit

I lay in bed
My nose touches the ceiling
Oh my god
I love this fucking feeling

If you ask me how I feel
With eyes closed I'll laugh
Man don't be so pushy
Don't you know
I'm higher than giraffe pussy

I came into this with confidence and I'm confident that this coffin of cocktails is waiting not so patiently  
 for me to give into that binge with which will undoubtedly bring me to my knees.
it does not please me to see that no matter how confused or misconstrued  
How brushed ego shattered  
How black and blue the view  
is always the same.  
It's you.
 No it's me in that mirror rationalizing lunacy. What have I done?
No. It's me in the mirror rationing my Adderal to make it through the week.  
Who am I kidding.  
I can barely make it through the next 24 hours because I took a two week supply yesterday  
So now I grit my teeth between inhalations of nicotine while imagining what life would be like without this dependency  
It's desperate  
These deadlines I cut and keep in an attempt to meet the expectations of everyone around me
I tell myself they have no idea but sickness is auditory and visible
It's fucking loud  
And leads to delirium  
So instead of listening to my loved ones mystified criticism  
I carry on in gorgeous desperation
So vast I lose myself. My family. My God... and everything in between  
Tomorrow will be different
I tell myself.
Tomorrow will be different.  
But tomorrow Is today and I'm the only one being fooled  
Because I am a fool
To think I have some symbolence of control over any of this
In a grander sense  
One thing I do have.  
beyond a shadow of a doubt is right now  
This moment.
 a choice.  
To seek help. To ask for help
Or keep doing what I've always done
Which is Run. run run run
 Running away from who I am while dodging the shadows of what I've become
We are like the Sun  
which nourishes the life of this earth and brings forth every kind of strange, beautiful, and evil thing; we are like the mothers who hold in their wombs untold happiness and suffering
Both are options  
To be opted in or out of at any moment
It's only a choice  
between fear and fallacy or faith and love
Fear wants me to shut myself off to become lost somewhere between laziness and what ifs  
Love on the other hand
asks us to be more  
To do more  
I am meant to fly
We are meant to fly
Don't ever let anyone tell us otherwise
it's time to open our eyes to spread our wings to the sky
to understand what it truly means to be alive

forever untold ! extreme content !
   
Lying in bed in a pool of his own sweat, cant stand the smell, haven’t moved for over an hour    
but right now the farthest thing from his mind is to get a fucking shower    
been dope sick all day, gut is wrenching, muscles aching    
they say most of it is in your head, but this pain theres no faking    
How to get money ? burned every bridge, every friend      
things he's done there’s no way he can ever mend    
he wants go to rehab, but the waiting list is so long    
he is sick of this life, but with heroin its hard to be strong  
he has two beautiful children whom he loves very much, he was a good father once  
the pain and the shame is far to much, he hasnt even thought about them in months    
cant believe mom hasn’t kicked him out    
she does threaten to, scream & shout    
she has aged so much from the shit he put her through    
last winter he overdosed she found him cold and blue    
he'd be dead if she didn’t come home then    
sometimes he wishes she'd left him there so this nightmare would end    
she cries herself to sleep each night, thinking about her son    
who’s now just an evil, deceitful, junkie fucking scum    
the good son, high school honors, a time so long ago    
his name is not important, so we shall call him john doe    
she sleeps with her purse hidden from her kin
sadly tonight he's out to rob her again    
doesn’t take him long to locate her wallet    
definitely fucked up, whatever you wanna call it    
$ 24 dollars was it, two fives and fourteen ones was all he could get    
its barely enough to get him “off sick”    
it will have 2 do, out the door like a flash    
calls his dealer “G” to say “I need 4” cause I finally got some cash    
he said met me at the spot, hurry cause im close      
wont be more then 5 min, the shady dealer boast    
beads of sweat rolled down the back of his neck despite the freezing winter wind    
another product of dope sickness, he could not stop the quivering of his chin    
is it the cold ? is it the impatience ? probably both    
without a doubt this endless waiting game is what any junkie hates most    
25 minutes passed before johnny called him back    
im standing in the cold, where the fuck are you at ?    
Chill mutha fucka I’ll be there pretty fast    
his suv came into view after another 30 minutes past    
his rims still spinning as he slowed to a stop    
G glanced back to make sure the oncoming car was no cop    
john doe's violontly shanking hands pass him the fives rolled atop the stack of ones    
he wanted it to appear as though he had sufficient funds      
better not be short again this time, best be $40 in your hand    
he passes him a small bundle, secured tightly with a rubber band
before G had a chance to add up all the cash    
johnny boy bolted threw a yard, hauling fuckin ass    
amazingly he expolodes with a quick burst of adrenaline    
its psycological, just knowing he pocesses his savior, his "bad medicine"    
he finds an abandoned house with the door left ajar    
again every muscle burns, glad he didnt have to go very far    
he finds a spot near a window on the second floor, so the street lamp casts a little light    
from his pocket he retrieves the tools of his trade, the weapons of his plight    
a syringe, a spoon and water filled in a empty 20oz bottle of pop  
he stares at 4 glassine envelopes with the name “hot shot” stamped across the top    
many people overdosed recently from this particular stamp bag in the hood    
suddenly hes like a kid at Christmas, this means there really good !    
One by one he dumps them in the spoon    
anticipation for the high he will be feeling very soon    
he adds some water to make an iced tea colored devils brew    
he has no belt so resorts to take the lace out his shoe    
finally cotton from the butt of this menthol cigarette    
its used as a filter cause if the needle clogs...he is fucked, u can bet    
tying off his track marks become noticeably 3 dimensional      
deep and dark from years of drug abuse, normal folk would deem unconventional    
as he pulls back surprisingly the rig fills with blood, a sign he is in the vein    
usually he has to fish around to find one that hasn’t collapsed, like a snowman in the rain    
a grin draws wide as he plunches the liquid poison deep in his arm without a care    
all his muscles tighten at once as a tremendous warmth took over despite the bitter cold air    
as he slumped into the corner he felt as though he was melting into the wall and tried with no avil to shout      
deeper and deeper he began to fall out    
tunnel vision began to take hold    
he stared silently out the window into the cold  
the pulsating street light growing dimmer, as his sight was engulfed by darkness... forever darkness behold    
the story of the man he COULD have been...    
forever untold

MULE

Draw the seared tracks in pools of his
Lethargy one minute, through dwindling
Piles of emeralds & rubies, the next.

My nephew Kyle could've been anything.
A mulatto baby out of wedlock,
Not in the social outcast sense, but

In the way his (also) mulatto father
Abandoned him, after trying to kidnap him

From his mother in a parking lot in
Broad daylight, traumatizing him at age 3.

He was beautiful in ev'ry shade the
word is meant to convey.  

He became a child model, and appeared
In television bit parts and walk-ons.

Perhaps he would wind up on
Theater screens like his father.  
Seems incredibly long ago;

A length of rope seems as long when
Someone you love, with his whole life

Before him, opens his arms to free fall
Ev'ry minute for the following years,

Still dazzling me with his dimpled smile
That meant nothing to him.

Late last summer, with the hindering of
Drugs & drink, and clinical depression,

The drop from a freeway overpass
Was about to be the poster child for

Why innocence of the core often
Loses out on the slippery slopes of
Misguided intervention.  

Caught by the scruff of his black hoodie,
His physical body was pulled off
The barrier wall, and saved.  

But the soul we never see slipped through
And fell far below to the gravel road
Where tractors passed each day.

The images change like the chamber
In a revolver of Russian roulette
That holds the only bullet.

It's only one, but one is all you need
To snuff the third eye.

I don't care to have the other two
Now that I know that in his mind,
God's little drug mule's into fisting.

The last time I got to hold him
For what must have seemed to him
An interminable lapse,

I knew all we could hope for was
That he might stay alive.

I felt selfish to wish him to exist.
I would've wanted more if it were me.  

But for my sweet brilliant nephew,
His life was our loss, all of us.


Copyright ©2016 Jade Pandora.  All Rights Reserved.

Dark soul

She wears her lipstick,
Ready,
keeps her wandering eye nice
And steady
today shell try to chase her
Goal
Pretend that bottles not calling
Her soul

Alone at night shell clench her
Fists
Shell last this time and manage to
resist
shell fall short in something,
Moaning,
Covers her mouth to keep
From groaning

See addictions not
A choice
Whether to ignore or listen to
That voice
If she cant reach for that
Shelf
Then she chooses to
Fuck herself

Losing count of how much she
Came
She wakes late just filled
With shame
Though under the surface that bottle
Calls
knowing soon her will
Will fall

With this burden she carries
On
Working twice as hard to ensure her goals
Arnt gone
Out of her grasp
She finally
gets her hands on something
Easy

Captain, patron, or maybe
Bacardi
Whatever stops making her feel
So sleasy
The sun is up but now
Shes sober
Wishing she was just drunk
All over

This is surely no way to
Live
Wasting away until theres nothing left
To give
Dark visions of no
Feeling
Unholy compulsions that are so
Unyeilding

But mornings come and she
Still tries
Drying tears and wiping mascara from
Her eyes
She looks in the mirror to get
A grip
Starts a new day with some fresh red
Lipstick

She talks to Angels.....

"She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yeah..she'll tell you she's an orphan
After you meet her family...."

She grew with shame that was not hers
She lost bets she did not place...
She took the brute of his force
She wore a false smile across her face
....
Mother hated her daughter
Her daughter took from both
The pain from her Father
And the judgement her Mother imposed...

So the bottle came into her grasp
And the pills were held tight in her clasp

She was numb
But felt like nothing...

Now to me
Yeah me....
She means everything....

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8_5U0M9ErGA&itct=CBsQpDAYASITCNi4uojwpswCFVfeTgodS_IJezIHcmVsYXRlZEje1sad3sHXtsoB

Drunk and Disorderly
(a sestina)

I wish that I could say I’d take them back,
Stupid decisions and beds that I’ve made.
But as my pen draws out this ink, I know
It’s every drop of piss and puke and blood
That’s making me this thing I’ll know as me
And not the dead whose stolen all this time.

I can’t remember all, before my time,
But when I venture in my mind, I’m back
With all those local kids laughing at me.
The perfect drunken gainer that I made,
Back porch to ditch, amazed I drew no blood,
But stars, electric fence, peace I know.

Then all my peace from bottles comes, I know.
In drinking, wasted all my friends and time,
Its hungry need came with my family’s blood.
Drink killed my mother’s dad and further back,
That Devil’s deal in ancient times was made,
Its tainted stain bearing its brand on me.

What fun I had… until it poisoned me,
Then broken hearts and pain like none should know.
To know their end, drunken decisions made,
Bottles of pills I chose for my first time.
For unknown reasons this life brought me back,
Then came the night of gin and beer and blood.

I have those tapes still covered in my blood,
I lived, but ended killing both that car and me.
My friends, my life, there’d be no going back,
For decades spent, I’d never fully know
Until “my name is” rooms I found in time
And finally came that one decision made.

And now another right decision made,
I know I can’t escape my family’s blood,
In lying, I have wasted too much time,
And now’s the time I’ll take the time for me.
For there’s a person “me” would love to know,
When I’m with her they’ll be no going back.

It’s taken so much time to get me back,
Because we’re made of more than blood, you know?
And I would have her truly knowing “me.”

Mmm...Geoff...huge hug.

I pray for courage and the sobriety of everyone who needs...


God (or whatever higher power)

Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
The courage to change the things that i can...
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I am so honered Mz Jackson...

And what fine company....

She wears her lipstick,
Ready,
keeps her wandering eye nice
And steady
today shell try to chase her
Goal
Pretend that bottles not calling
Her soul

Babydoll...this was a special piece...i was in tears....
Geoff....just loved yours as well.

All of them...Kitten...G Dove...(Jades street name yo) trix...and the rest...i am inspired....

Thanks for another great comp sweetheart....

A beautiful piece