childhood experiance

Had my first kiss under a laundry sink,
With a girl I once saw playing with her pink
We were nine and hiding
From the seeker

The Wall

It ran across the far end of a street,
The boundary of my world at five.
Beyond, another country: ships, and cranes, and sky.
While girls played intricate, intense games of house -
Cooking, cleaning, scolding naughty dolls -
We boys took part in active, manly games,
Tore down the street and leapt up at the wall,
Clawed fingers clutching for the top.
A pull, a heave, a scrape of tortured shoes,
And you were up and settled,
High and fine, astride the parapet.
The topmost bricks were smooth, red-brown and curved,
And from your airy seat
You looked out over paths, allotments, weeds,
And railway lines, and clanking shunting-trains,
And further, to the ships and cranes and sky.

Years later, living far away,
I drove back north and visited the wall.
The street was empty,
Neat, no kids, a few parked cars.
The wall, though barely chest-high now,
Is topped off by a wire fence much higher than itself.
They needn't have bothered;
Today, grown-up, I never run, I walk,
And in my landscape, walls remain unclimbed.

Nothing you want matters (5 stanza haiku) (MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2012)
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/185826-nothing-you-want-matters-5-stanza-haiku/
==============================================================

boy and girl jumping  
on the bed the boy larger  
knows not his own strength
.
broken bone later
boy is taught to be careful
and always reserved
.
especially when
it hurts and soul death is near
hold in, no one cares
.
moving around from
base to base does not let you
keep a lot of friends
.
first law: do no harm
second law: ignore wishes
third law: do as told
.
come out of dream world
nothing you want matters, boy
why should i care now
.
dad does not deserve
my words, why should i confide?
i feel despite him

"Nothing you want matters"


most truth i've heard here HHC.......

Long hair sitting on his lawn chair
staring into the air at the clouds
He said hello and asked me what I see
as he stretched his finger to the sky
I told him that I saw birds flying
seeking to be free
And he told me
Every man must die

I sat in one of the back chairs, always behind tables
in this one crowded apartment
I watched my aunts and uncles share fables
play cribbage, and smoke to their heart's content

As I watched my older cousins as their adolescence arrived
I envied them for their freedom
and secretly wished that I had their lives
It wasn't long before one got pregnant, how distraught was her mom

There were finger sandwiches and desserts on trays
another reason I loved going visiting relatives with Nana whom I looked up to
I loved eating at other peoples houses and arranging the sweets in different ways
on paper plates; sometimes I jumped rope with my cousins outside too

I remember a child laying on the bed
flailing her limbs and blinking her eyes
She had the same black hair that was on her father's head
but she couldn't talk or walk, I had so many whys

Before her parents and brother left, her beautiful mother bundled her up
they did not feed her, and she had diapers on
Such a perfect child, I used to think, she couldn't even sip from a cup
I was never told anything more, and from what I heard, she has now gone

On holidays, there was ham and Tourtiere' pie
and always a lighted holiday tree
I would imagine what was inside the presents all with bows perfectly tied
Nana and I would make the rounds spreading the glee

Often, I would hear Nana speaking half French Canadian and half English
to her sisters.  My uncles did the same in the parlor while they played cards
I knew that they didn't want the children to hear; it sounded like gibberish
But it was the only thing left from their homeland, which must have been hard

My cousin and I used to be close
We had sleepovers and played barbies as kids for hours
and when she was there, she would always boast
about her Michael Jackson and Donny Osmond collection, and we liked to draw flowers

Nana's brother worked for the railroad which paid wages that were fair
and had a mini version of our town in his basement, what else can I say
He had four boys and a girl, and a young wife with grey hair
They seemed too perfect, except for one boy I liked who turned out to be gay

At religious confirmations, Nana and I dressed alike
In one picture, we wore white buttoned coats, red shoes, red gloves, and red hats
I wondered if she enjoyed matching our clothes
and forgot that I always wanted us to match

At uncle's wedding, I wore a "flower power" dress like hers
Vests, pedal pushers, and nice bell-bottom sleeved tunics suited both our views
I found out that we both like furs
and disliked boring pale muted hues

After we left for home after visiting, Nana always stopped for ice cream
I got whatever flavor she got; I was happy to partake
Usually maple walnut, or nuts over vanilla bean
And we would eat it at a picnic table overlooking the lake

As I got older, I noticed that she sat in one of the back chairs, always behind tables
and wherever she went
she had a smile on her face, she never placed labels
and she got along with everyone; My Nana was heaven sent

She was my favorite person in the world
because she always brought me around to visit
all of her sisters and brothers, and she listened to their lives unfurl
The memories are clear, I am honored to be in the same chair that she used to sit

SECRETS...                               Vile, haunting secrets of you and me, never meant to be spoken, cruel, wretched secrets of you and me.                                 So very very young, my lord what have you done, secrets of you and me. My soul has forever darkened with secrets of you and me.                             Secrets I whisper to chosen few, secrets of you and me. Shame, guilt, heartbreak inflicted by secrets of you and me.          Have you no soul, creating secrets of you and me? Brutal, evil, hateful secrets of you and me.                                           Chilling, lost, filled with secrets of you and me. Confused, helpless, forever condemned to HELL, together, your impulse threw away the only key, with secrets of you and me.

Not sure why there were two of the same thing...

changed my entry ... check it out......

My Therapist


My therapist asked about my past again
Where would I even begin?
From the very start I never had a chance
Daddy knew he loved me at first glance

Wake and bake
Then he’d bring out his snake
A quick glass of gin
Glazed eyes and a drunken grin

“Lie still baby, hush”
“Don’t worry it won’t hurt much”
For five years I was daddy’s little slut
Then I became mommy’s little nut

A blade always to my skin
Left me with no where to fit in
And wounds to deep to mend
Made self-harm my only friend

Then I fell for a boy named John
And now he’ll never truly be gone
That day will forever haunt my dreams
The day everyone ignored my screams

He watched as they held me down
Each taking a turn pounding my mound
Even with condoms there’s always a maybe
And four months later I miscarried a baby

I relive it all every night in my sleep
But these are my secrets to keep
So I could never tell her all this
Who does she think she is? My therapist?

                  Always Alone
I let my hand slide on the frosted glass, only to leave a dark shadow.
I gazed up at the frozen tundra.
My busted lip was dripping.
My jaw was bruised, but not without a fight.
I struggled under their grip.
No escape, no fear.
How could I know?
Never left the house.
Never seen anything else but smiles.
My mother never let me leave.
But they made me see.
How could I know?
My first, had an obsession with me.
The second, always wanted to chain me.
The third, wanted to rape me.
The first, was when I was 7.
I hate you!
He pulled me down, he kissed me, he played with my hair.
why are you doing this to me?
The second, liked to play with the buttons on my shirt.
what are you doing?
Trying to touch.
Trying to pin.
Never did I give an inch.
He encouraged my self harm.
The third, never acted but explained.
Pushing me, and pushing me to submit to him.
And when I didn't is when he got pissed.
He whispered in my ear how he wanted to hurt me mentally and sexually.
is death the only way?
How he teased me, saying he was going to rape me.
Saying he was going to hold me against a wall.
Wanting me to cry for him.  
gotta hide these tears
He never loved me, and I didn't love him and that's why he wanted me.
The first boy I dated,
Had an obession with me.
The second boy I dated, tried to chain me.
The third one I dated,
Wanted to rape me.
Now everywhere I go, I am haunted by three men.
But would you believe it?
The third one still wants me to carry his child.
when will the torture end?

Mommy, please come home

Ramen in the cabinet
pancake powder to be stirred
just add a little water
give it a little whir.

Ten years old, and yes, I can!
I can use the stove
I can watch tv for hours
and hours, all alone.

I can watch as other kids
flip and flap their feet
giggling and galavanting
playing down the street.

Alone and alienated
forced to always stay alone
hours slide by into night
Mommy, please come home.

She cares enough to
keep me here, afraid to let me out.
If I were to go missing, what
would they all talk about?

How she left me by myself
all day, alone for me to fend
and all I ever wanted
was my mother or a friend.

And finally, she does come home
I've cried and begged and pled
Just long enough to kiss goodnight
and time to go to bed.

School Days

Apples on a stick.
Make me sick.
You learn the rhythm, this way.
That way.

You and your friends on the jungle gym.
Penny Drop, Dead Man’s Drop.
Learn to hurtle your body
into empty space without a thought.
Your first sweet taste of death.

You and your friends in a burnt-out house.
Its scorched carpet, shattered chandelier.
Can you keep a secret, they ask, teeth chattering.
Your pockets lined with broken glass.

That's how he did it, that's how he did it,
he slammed her through the screen door.
You'll never know it was an accident.
All that red translucence.

In the bathroom, the mirror, its filthy words.
Bloody Mary. Her pale, furious visage.
The newness of someone's tongue
thrust down your throat.

Learn to twist your body in the swing.
Higher. Higher.
Till you can't breathe.
Till you learn not to speak of emptiness.

Because the boy three houses down
wants to lick you in a place you've never been.
Your stepfather's breath smells of beer
and something far more terrifying.
Your mother deems your worth
equal to that of the antique china,
an heirloom of legacy
best relegated to the closet,
too awkward and outmoded to display.

Higher. Higher.
Take one sip, then another.
Higher. Higher.
Learn to take one finger then another.

At night, wish you may, wish you might
while ghosts slide like tongues across your walls.

Their voices like fingers in your skull.
Their promises, sweet as candy,
tangling in the wind.

Stones

Skipping stones, not as hard as it seems
sowing seams, not as hard as writing reems
dreaming dreams, and growing beans
The dicotomy of life escapes me.

A cat in a cradle
clung to a ladle
of love and attention

A lap of luxury
definitively undefined
sexually undefined
characteristically undefined
and renuncitively unrefined.


(#Someone sat me on their lap.)

Birthplace

Into the shadows of sorrow and despair I was born  
Baptized through the stinging fire of abuse and neglect,
My only companion loneliness at my side
Steered me into the darkness
Away from the judging stares and
Stabbing jabs of my captors,
My family,
My loved ones
To suffer indignities
Where no one could hear me cry
For the help that never came