Missing someone special

I wish to share some history behind The Crimson Forest that a lot of people may have been curious about! Years ago, I first wrote it and published it on the poetry website Starlite Cafe, where I went by the names Grailknight777 and Vlad Galahad. I chose those names at that time to reflect my interest in vampires (especially Vlad Dracula), Arthurian Legend, and Grail Lore. So for those (such as Atropabelladonna) who were recently woundering who the heck Vlad Galahad and Grailknight777 were... those were both me. Recently, if anyone has visited Starlite Cafe they will notice all of my old poems are now under my real name, Jessica, and those two older profiles of mine have been deleted so as to avoid any confusion in the future. Along with The Crimson Forest, a lot of my older poems and short stories first saw life on Starlite Cafe as a matter of fact, albeit in a rougher form than the completed versions I have released here on Deep Underground. For those with a REALLY long memory, and if anyone happened to also be a member of the PC game Neverwinter Nights' modding community, you might also remember me as Chaos_Theocrat my first first online profile of any kind. I still do modding there from time to time under that name, and a few of my poems and short stories first saw life as Dark Fantasy tales I used to share with the Neverwinter modding community... before my stories took a more personal and spiritual tone. For those who wondered why I chose those names, it was before I was comfortable with telling people openly online that I am a Trans Woman. Now everyone knows anyway, so I thought it would be a very interesting thing to share this bit of my history as a poet and a writer with everyone here. Ta for now, all!

Kou_Indigo said:I wish to share some history behind The Crimson Forest that a lot of people may have been curious about!  

Thanks for that interesting Information Kou, but please try to keep to the original subject matter.

DreamingMetrist said:[quote-134735-Kou_Indigo]I wish to share some history behind The Crimson Forest that a lot of people may have been curious about!  

Thanks for that interesting Information Kou, but please try to keep to the original subject matter.

[/quote]

No problem, my friend! It was merely for clarification, since there was that tiny bit of confusion.
I do understand, though.

I woke up to the same feeling of sickness that I felt the night before. It is just as strong, just as ferocious, just as hungry, and I hate myself for its presence. It is only when I sleep that I am free from the churning in my stomach, as it sits inches from the back of my throat.

It has been this way for weeks now, mornings of grogginess and nausea leading into afternoons intermittently filled with a sharp pain in my midsection, and cold sweets. This leads into the night, when the pain and nausea are so great that I can barely stand, and eventually pass out with the hurt erupting in my head.

This morning is easier than many, as the nausea is only slight, and the pain in my gut has given me a couple of hours to myself before it awakes. I fear moments like these, because behind all the these symptoms, all the sickness rests memories waiting to be seen.

A crumpled form lays on the tracks, birds and buzzards retreating from a passing train, unable to stop. Your eyes look at me, no matter which way I approach. They are always perfect, those beautiful blue eyes, even as your body is bloated and festering, and your face gnarled and curled. I used to not understand why that was, but now I know.

The soul resides in the eyes, and in that single look you pass your soul to me, as your body was lost to the trains and the vultures. I am its new host, and it grows restless, demanding a new form.

And so I wake up again and again from the image to the pain in my stomach, a trapped and angry spirit lashing out out day after day at the one who looked away.

That is why I won't take anything, why I endure the pain, because the image that rests in my head, the look in your eyes is worse than all the nausea, all the sickness, all the pain. But this is my curse, my punishment. I brought it on myself, my brother. I should have been watching you, should have kept track of you.

The sound of the trains whistle pierces sharply in my ear. It is the same pitch as your screams. I tried to get to you, tried to save you, but I couldn't. All I could do is watch as the train came towards you. You looked at me with those perfect eyes doted with tears. All you wanted me to do was watch, so you would not be alone in your final moments. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, and I left you alone. I looked away.

Now What!?

You selfish bitch!
Leaving me here like this
With my heart in my hand
Bent down on one knee
Ready to give my life for you
While you disappear
Without a big send off
Without so much as a goodbye

How do you expect me to feel?
Being forced to move on
Without the one person
That made my life complete
Who gave me my feet
And a surface to stand on

Fuck your nerve!
And the blatant disregard for my wishes
Thinking I'll be fine on my own
Without you, in this world alone
Stripped to the bone
I don't know how I can go on
A drifter without a home

It's Not Like In The Movies

The film ended with a sunset
and two love birds melting
into it

Running away from their lives
to start over looked so simple
from where I sat

But then cinema
has a knack for making the impossible
appear possible

And the silver screen is the dividing line
that separates reality
from fiction

For once I'd like to be the Casanova
who rescues the damsel
in distress

Or the daring prince charming
with the fate of the princess
who he can't live without in his hands

If it were that easy I wouldn't be here
I'd be with her in the moment
laughing about how things turned out

Sharing a cold glass of forever
as she and I disappear
into a future that has no end

Where every day is a new beginning
and the need for goodbyes
doesn't exist

If my life was like a movie
I'd come home to her every day
in tight see through negligee

And I would leave dreams
for those who need them
because I'd be living mine