She Walks in Beauty

Hey, CCComp Peeps!

We should have our critiques of your entries finished soon. Thank you for your continued patience.

A big thank you to all who paid tribute to this month's featured poets with unique emulations. As in previous challenges, these are very difficult to judge, and sometimes come down to a simple typo or grammatical error breaking a tie.

That being said, here are the following winners!

The Destruction of the Sea-People by LunaGreyhawk

Congratulations on winning 1ST PLACE and the TROPHEEE!

There's not much to find fault with in this inspired gem! If anything, we thInk consistancy needs to be addressed.

In Line 1, you have "o’er" as a condensed version of "over". Why not the same treatment for "world-over" in Line 7?

In Stanza 2, "renown'd" is a past tense word. Why not use the same contractioning for "nestled", "ruled", "Honored", etc? Byron wasn't always consistent when doing this either, but that doesn't make it okay because he is a celebrated author.

Why make such a big deal out of this? it's mainly for anyone reading this critique who can benefit from the understanding that distractions in poetry are aspects of writing that take any reader's attention away from the reading of the poetry itself.  If we pause to ask why this word is contracted while that word is not, it is a distraction.

As far as distractions go, it was very slight.

A mighty kingdom o’er mountains north  
Tales of its treasure spread widely forth  
Yet coveting bounty from the land below  
Mysterious riches for those in the know

A humble village nestled next to the sea  
Ruled by none but their own humility    
Possessing a prize world-over renown’d  
Honored in secret where secrets abound  

Begrudging the people their loyalty  
The Ruler consumed by his royalty  
Nefarious planning far into each night  
Blinded by greed ever-eager to fight  

Peaceful villagers fell swiftly as expected  
Slaughter’d innocence mercy neglected  
Assumption assured a reward most grand!  
Pompous parade across bloodied land  

Soldiers searched Death’s ghosted halls  
Finding war’s profit behind crumbled walls  
Expecting to uncover vast precious gold  
Payment for greedy souls they’d just sold  

Discov’ring instead a plain wooden box  
Containing a single scroll and no locks  
Retrieving it gingerly from its silk bed  
“Love One Another” was all that it said  

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To Romance (Visions Of Love) by PoetsRevenge

You took some risks in trying to emulate the style of language back in Bryon's day. In some cases, it paid off. In other cases, not so much.

Romantic rays, of these were lit 1
my early days as joy saw fit. 1
I reveled in your warm cascades; 2
receded into wanton ways. 2

1. There is something awkward about Lines 1 & 2
Let's try to simplify it by reversing the lines and using a semicolon to bridge it with the rest ( though it adds a syllable ):
in my early days as joy saw fit,
rays of these were romantic lit;

2. Lines 3 & 4 would flow better as:
I reveled in your warm cascades,
receding into wanton ways.
It still retains the past tense and syllable count, and only requires a comma that is less jarring.

Let's review with all the necessary and suggested alterations:
in my early days as joy saw fit,
romantic rays of these were lit;
I reveled in your warm cascades,
receding into wanton ways.

Yet visions bore no guarantee, 3
were at best of illusivity; 3
my intentions so did melt
under glare of scrutiny dealt 4

3. Again, a tense change would help this flow better and eliminate the need for a comma ( though it adds a syllable ):
Yet visions bearing no guarantee
are at best of illusivity;
4. endstop is missing

And I did cast you out, away --
my bosom shielded of decay.
The suit of armour molded, cast 5,6
would not then yield to your repast.
The hungry heart devoured itself
within its shrine upon a shelf
and where have gone Thee, lost above
at each attempt to capture love.

5. "mold" and "cast" are essentially the same words, and a comma is not needed after molded --- you want to avoid it reading like so:
The suit of armour molded,
cast would not then yield to your repast.
It would be more correct as:
The molded suit of armour cast
would not then yield to your repast.
6. "cast" is repeated, but being used in a different context. Perhaps a synonym could be replace the first instance, such as "throw"  ..?

Divine, intangible: Whose allure 7
is only a nutriment to those unsure
wavering in their sleepy dreams, 8
your regale never quite as it seems 9
But I yet know your inner taunt --  9

7. words should not be capitalized after a colon
8. an endstop would suffice instead of the comma, because:
9. You could simply combine these lines:
Your regale never quite as it seems,
as I know your inner taunt.

Romantic Love so given to want 10
every soul to call its own 10
except to the free, no truth be shown! 10

10. Even though we removed an entire line from this sentence, it still a bit difficult to process. Part of the difficulty lies in having 3 instances of "to".  Here is the prose version:
"Romantic Love so given to want every soul to call its own except to the free, no truth be shown!
Here is a potential rewrite:
Romantic Love so given to want,
every soul wishing for its own---
except the free, whom no truth be shown!

Three entries in this month's CCComp were inspired by Byron's ever popular She Walks In Beauty. The essence of this poem is jubilance over the revelation of a person's inner beauty and the process by which it is revealed.  

She walks in as if a non-physical spirit enters the physical realm that in turn accentuates her spirit self, similar to how the light of starlit nights accentuates the features of the human body as opposed to  washing them out with a blast of overpowering sunlight; hence the line Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face
Where thoughts serenely sweet express, B
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place. B

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow, A
But tell of days in goodness spent, B
A mind at peace with all below, B
A heart whose love is innocent! B

A. This line is the only line in the entire poem that actually describes her physical attributes i.e. having a winning smile.
B. These lines bring our attention to her non-physical attributes and activities.

Notice there is greater focus on the intangible aspects of her, while the remainder of the poem describes the process by which her inner and outer beauty is firstly made observable and secondly open to interpretation.

Breath Of Beauty by AspergerPoet54

Though this is a wonderfully expressed minimalist sentiment, the emphasis of your poem is on a person being beauty not open to interpretation, end of story - which contadicts the essence of Byron's. And Byron took pleasure in using words as well, for that was the medium he painted with.

being attractive
is as natural as breath
for she is beauty



I See Her in Dreams by wallyroo92

Congratulations on winning 3RD PLACE!

The description of such a remarkable, recurring dream resonates very much with the inspiration poem. Your Narrator is thrust into a pleasing, almost physical-like world that has an affect on his spirit or consciousness. He is very much affected like Byron's Narrator witnessing the inner beauty of "She" as she likewise enters into a physical realm.      

I see her in dreams every night, 1
With heavenly angelic eyes 2,3,4
Covered in beauty and delight
Like the most glorious sunrise,
And I bask in this solemn rite
That only a dream can comprise.

1. comma is not necessary
2. Is your narrator is seeing her with his eyes or seeing her eyes? We have to assume the latter because it is not specific. Eventually we can conclude the latter because she is very much the focus of the entire poem.
3. it should be "heavenly, angelic" due to the consecutive adjectives
4. comma at the end is necessary

Captivated by a bright smile,
I cannot help but fall in love,
For the splendor lasts a while
As if it’s been sent from above, 5
Her appearance is so tactile 6
It’s surely what dreams are made of.

5. comma is not necessary
6. comma at the end is necessary

I long to sleep just for the chance
To behold this sheer fantasy 7
In her attraction there’s a trance 8
More profound than an endless sea,
For in her eyes there’s a romance
That in dreams only I can see.

7. Endstop is missing
8. a comma is necessary after "attraction"



She Is True Beauty by eswaller

Congratulations on winning 2ND PLACE!

You have the essence of Byron's poem, which is a celebratory jubilance over a person's inner beauty manifested to the narrator.

Your entry uses punctuation correctly and consistently. The only technical problems occuring are with the enjambments of several lines identified below.

I see her standing there like a true vision.

How I wish I could meet her right at the 1
Water’s edge so captivated by her beauty 2

And true perfection. In some other world
She would be mine, but in this world she 1
Is fawned over by many others like some 1
Boyhood or girlhood fantasy. When she 1

Laughs like a musical melody others stop
To listen. With her smile she can light up 1

A dark room and with her eyes she can set 1
Fires. She walks in beauty like the silence 2
In the wind chimes, but no one knows her 2
True beauty on the inside and the strength 2

In her bones like the women who all came 1
Before her. No one knows the struggles she 1

Faces to be like the girls on the front of the 1
Magazine covers. She does not know that I 1
Am standing right here to catch her if she 1
Ever falls. She offers love and kindness.

She is like an angel who walks in beauty.

1. An unnecessary, slight pause emerges in the middle of the sentence because of how the line is abruptly ended.
2. This is an excellent example of ending a line smoothly before a sentence is complete, while the next line continues to provide an added revelation.

Your poem could use some trimming of excess words. For example, the word "like" appears 7 times, when only 1 is necessary. You repeat "she" and "her" very often as well. Let's remove as many as we can of these words and others without sacrificing any of your story.

Keep in mind, we are not trying to be poetic or rewrite your poem. The goal is to just to illustrate how much of your wording is essential. We have also removed the awkward pauses created when sentences are prematurely ended abruptly with line endings. These are two areas of your writing that can be improved upon.

So captivated by the perfection I see
I wish to meet her at water’s edge.

Fawned over by many others in boyhood
or girlhood fantasy, she would be mine
to hold hands with in some other world.

She laughs in melody, lights up dark rooms
by only smiling, set fires with those eyes,  
and walks in beauty of still stilled wind chimes

yet no one else knows the true person inside

where the strength of all women who came
before her resides in bones

or the struggles that occur to be like girls
appearing monthly on Magazine covers.

Offering love and kindness, she is oblivious
that I am standing right here to catch her
should the angel she is ever fall.

Your poem as is : 168 words
Trimmed down , with a few words added : 121 words

That's a difference of 47 words, which visually illustrated would appear like so:

xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx

xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx

The bridge soon to be crossed by slipalong

As near the lake, I cast a stone 1
and stand and watch it bounce  
duck's and drakes, squawk in overtones  
skimming, its short flight pronounced  
settled, leave the self so all alone  
short term, that came all unannounced  
as life, will have its ups and downs  
each ripple ebbing, slowly drown.  

1. "as" isn't necessary and can be rewritten as:
Near the lake, I cast a stone

In mourning, standing on the bridge  
hear the water trickle past  2
be with it, its dark seeing images  
who threw the die? that you were cast  
stolen time, that we were pledged  
my soul flies, sombre, at half mast  
fair maiden, taken so, and carried off  3,4
in death so cold, as snow so soft. 3,4

2. "past" should be "passed"
3. What amazing, eloquent lines!

So waxed and whitened, loving paled away  4
carved angels weep, so insincere 4
stand I, beside a clod so freshly laid 4
the roses broken stem, rising sap so disappeared, 4,5  
recall all joy, before decay  
each vernal day, the never year  
wilting early, as the headstones tilt  
the ground below my feet, it feels no guilt.  

4. You used "so" in each of these consecutive lines.
5. This is the only line to end with a comma

As youth's champagne,  bubbles rising in the glass  
empty, the tall flute of my lament  
lying now in circumstances caveat  
empty dregs, my life of that ferment  
rising as a ghosts in ethereal contact  6
clay hold the emptiness, and not repent 7
our joy would ever multiply  
now empathy, it's mask, my eventide. 8

6. it should be "as a ghost" or "as ghosts"
7. it should be "clays hold" or "clay holds"
8. it's = it is while its is a possessive

Shadows of our spirit's so divorced  9
holding grief, a vacuous diamond ring  
death dealt a final intercourse 10
the heat of love and its being  
as the hearse, drawn by the horse  
the dead march, echo's hovering  
till we meet again, in a last kiss  
the heart, in truth, never could dismiss.

9. it should be "spirits"
10. WOW

While having some breath-taking lines throughout, your poem is difficult to process. Semicolons, emdashes, endstops, and capitalized line beginnings allow the reader to pause and grasp that new statements are being introduced. Without such, it's all too easy for the reader to begin new sentences without realizing it.

====================

Alas, before you I stand alone by Honoria

This inspiration poem you chose is about lamenting that one can't enjoy activities previously shared with a loved one. Your poem is similar; the Narrator laments not having a companion.  

What we are not entirely sure of is what actually occurred. What did the Devil get out of the bargain? What did the Narrator get out of said deal? It's obvious that she didn't get any companionship.

Alas, before you I stand alone, 1
Amidst no one else to adore;
There is no friend where I am blown, 2
This lonely abyss, and tuneless shore.

1. comma is not necessary
2. an emdash would be suitable here, while the comma is not

I’ve come to accept myself, aged and sore.
Within the looking glass I appeal once again; 3
Not by much, but little more
To become yet anew or, perhaps to begin. 4

3. an emdash would be more suitable than the semicolon
4. the comma is not necessary unless you are in need of a pause and if that is the case, we suggest putting the comma after "anew" as "or" directly references the alternative.
To become yet anew, or perhaps to begin

Thus resigned to the world, I raise the curtain 5
Harnessed and trussed attached to my yoke. 6
What I’ll ne’er share, is with the devil I’d bargain{d}; 7,8
Simultaneously smiling as I seethe and choke.

5. endstop is missing
6. a comma is necessary after "trussed"
7. a comma is not necessary after "share"
8. This line should read as
What I’ll ne’er share is the devil I’d bargain{d} with;

====================

Don’t say it, do not haunt me by nomoth

nomoth, always you are brilliant with abstract verse that beckons readers to go wild with their imaginations.  However, the more you put the reader in a position of having to pause and make interpretations of the abstracts, the more the mind becomes bogged down. Real time processing of the poem is sacrificed.

A reader should reread a poem more than once because it was enjoyable, not because more readings are required to make sense of it. Yours begins to become difficult to comprehend by the end of Stanza 2.

Follow a pence, a pole or garden path, 1,2
a shimmering lane soaked in a moonlit bath.  
You own the starry stream, the current and the staff  3
They steady my waltz and the thrum of my laugh  

1. You are poviding 3 options: "a A, B, or C", so the second instance of "a" is not necessary.
2. It would be more correct to include a comma after "pole" to remove any unwanted emphasis on a special relationship between "XXX or YYY" that doesn't exist.
3. Endstop is missing

But I am no mirror afore you  
so do not haunt me please just send this note  4
with ash or fuse drawn from the churches pew  
to be sewn within the linings of my sister’s coat  5

4. it should be "haunt me, please; just" ---or--- "haunt me; please, just"
5. Endstop is missing

Drag me under, someone,  6,7
below nude celluloid, in all blemish, 7,8
before some fresh thought becomes meaningful once more.  

6. would read better as "Someone drag me under" which eliminates two commas
7. either "under" or "below" is redundant
8. comma after "celluloid" is extraneous
Here is a suggested simplified rewrite of this stanza:
Someone drag me under nude celluloid in all blemish
before some fresh thought becomes meaningful once more.

It was all laden, ‘fore you spoke, before you stood, 9,10
the coma laced in moment, a pause statuesque.  
We teach and spit out as fast as we can brood  
on these drafts of things so messy on the desk  11

9. the comma after "spoke" is not necessary
10. a semicolon would be suitable to end with, while the comma is not
11. endstop is missing

Slouches and saws; glimpses and draws  12
our blindspots that would not grow back again.  
Your hazel and innocent eye returns them to the night, 13
with our forefingers and thumbs forming a frame.  

12. What is doing the slouching, sawing, glimpsing, and drawing?
And what kind of drawing are you referring to - pulling something towards you or creatively in an artistic fashion?
Again, here is a suggested simplification:
It slouches, saws, glimpses, and draws
our blindspots that would not grow back again.  
13. A comma would suffice in place of "and"
Your hazel, innocent eye returns them to the night,

Shout out your witch's franc; that silver studded tooth  14
spit-cemented into the greenhouse glass 14
with thought that this throne was big enough for two  14
two murmurs that slip  into the fog among the grass. 14

14. You have 3 "that" and 3 "the" and 2 "into". Let's whittle these down to 1 each. Since you aren't adhering to a specific syllable count, this entire stanza can be simplfied by getting rid of everything that it can survive without. "franc" also isn't vital, but we can work it in.
Shout out the franc that is your witch's silver tooth
spit-cemented into greenhouse glass.
This throne was thought to be big enough for two
murmurs disappearing in fog among grass.

The higher I scale my mortgage on you,  
the lower the tide,  the harder to drown  
and closer is the horizon to hug the shoreline 15
the easier to hook my crooked lip to the ground.

15. a comma is necessary after "shoreline"

====================

Congratulations to everyone for engaging entries! Thank you again for honoring the classics. We hope to see you in the Classic Corner Championship comps beginning January 1st!

Congratulations, Luna, Wally, and Elena! Well done and deserving!

I really appreciate the critique as always and feel truly honored to be placed 2nd. Congratulation to LunaGreyhawk and Wally!! I am a hug fan of Lord Byron’s She Walks In Beauty (one of my favorite poems).

Thank you for accepting the critique as intended, Elena. A very popular choice of inspiration too!

Massive congrats to Luna, Wally, and Elena and thank you again Johnny I am sincerely grateful for  for the excellent and thoughtful critique. (loved the numbering system...really works clearly and helps). loved the changes you suggested. I do learn a lot of what elements I pull a blanket over and push aside. Again grateful and big thanks for hosting these challenges/competitions.

Thank you, nomoth. We're always striving to be as thoroughly comprehensive as possible and are glad to be of assistance.

Congratulation to those who had presents under the tree

Thank you for participating, Slip. We always enjoy your entries filled with a love for poetry.

slipalong said:Congratulation to those who had presents under the tree but only a B- so reads at true critique for me

Slip, you ARE THE PRESENT under the tree to us! Your evolution in writing poetry has been absolutely astounding! Trust me, you will NAIL that trophy one of these days!

Goodness, thank you so much!  I have to tell you, it was really hard not to use the abbreviations throughout the whole thing; it caught my eye in every poem Lord Byron penned where he wasn’t consistent with their use lol.  Thank you so incredibly much for the time you put into honest critiquing and for all the work you guys do to offer these challenges.  I thoroughly enjoyed this one 💜.  

Luna, you knocked it out of the park! Thanks for braving these CCComps.

I want to say congratulations to Luna on winning and to Elena for taking runner up. My sincere thanks both Johnny and Ahavati for the runner up mention as well. I knew that 2nd line was a bit puzzling even to me (I read to myself out loud). I appreciate your constructive criticism that allow me to improve my writing.

Hope everyone is doing well.