Deep poetry

To look beneath this layer,
    Is to discover myself deep within, 
For in this kind of prayer, 
    Truth is no more a mortal sin. 
I went missing for thirteen years, 
    Thirteen hours and thirteen days, 
My mind had no concept of time, 
    The potion had set my soul ablaze. 
As I slid down deeper into the recess, 
    My mind’s eye finally recognized, 
The fluorescent colors vomited, 
    Were my demons being exorcised. 
So in the pit of sight and sound, 
    I found the center of my universe, 
As my subconscious came to light, 
    I found myself completely immersed. 
And I delved further into that swirl, 
    Into the core of my absolute being, 
Searching for true enlightenment, 
    With a sense that was really freeing. 
Voices rose up from the bottom, 
    Memories going up to the surface, 
Phantoms forgotten now evoked, 
    Reminding me of my purpose. 

I cannot be real.
Unspent years passing by
Living inside of my own mind
I've spent more time in a trance
Then I have in the dance
With life, I can't seem to remember
All 26 September's
That have passed right on by
While I was flying alone in my mind
My memories are all gone
And the ones I remember are wrong
My existence has gone,
probably lost somewhere in a yawn
I don't think I'm real
Because there's a lot i no longer feel
I don't think I can exist
when it feels like My soul is adrift
I cannot be alive, because I know
I've spent more years in mind
Then I've spent living my life.

Her warm kind eyes have turned cold and empty
shes devoid of sanity when there used to be plenty
Her mind a shell of its former glory  
She cant even remember her own story
Her voice calls me a name that I do not own  
She's in a constant state of unknown
Her brain lives stuck in the past  
She's losing herself fast  
Her mind nothing but a jumble  
She speaks in muddy mumbles  
Her eyes don't recognize my face
She's not at home at her own place  
Her lucid moments are the best
She doesn't know how many are left.  
 
She doesn't see the tears I have wept  
or the memories for her I've kept  
She doesn't see the pain inside  
or the suffering I try to hide  
I cry that you can't remember  
The celebrations we'd have in the winter  
You think I'm my mother  
or maybe another  
But I'm gone from your soul  
and it brings a despair that I have to control  
So that you don't have to see  
the pain you cause me  
Time has got his grip on her mind  
and to his plan I am not blind  
He'll steal away all her thoughts  
and it will come with a cost  
Eventually all her time will be lost.
 
I'll never forget  
all the time we spent
Even after you took your last breath  
from my mind, you are never absent
I love you
 

Long after we are all forgot
And mankind soon returned to dust
There will, on stones, be thought still taught
In last words we had once discussed
Before we etched them onto rock
For one last hail Mary mark
To show the future men could talk
Long after skies had gotten dark
And sometimes to the break of day
Whenever much was on our mind
And we just had to have our say
No matter how our mood inclined...
In those moments, which were all we had,
To scratch eternity's message pad.

of course those are beautiful sights,
merely seeing whom bring soul to an enormous delight,,
here there everywhere are mystic mights,
but once a while god puts onto you his light,,
Do you see that tree standing like a buddha?,
"chitbhanjan-saral-shantimay-sudha",,
neither a god nor a devil clutter it inside,
It see everything on a passing flight,,
the words cease the mind stops,
you can conclude god's beautiful plot,,
the opportunity demands & the deity states,
"u sit as well on this charming date,,
with half-closed eyes when silence rise,
do the same as this tree the wise",,
slowly-slowly it will happen one day,
i dont know what to say i dont know what day,,
but it is said that you come to realize,
"the very center that flows in you, of life"....

I just taking time to learn some hard lessons of life. I am grateful that life exists and I am greatful for the existing differences as well. It is beautiful sometimes to live with illusion, delusion, lie and feel pride, joyous, enchanted and it is beautiful sometimes to live with truth and tears. Life has it's own ways. Sometimes it mix unexpected flavours and surprise us with a different taste. And I find myself in both these situations often. I love life not because I am a masochist, sadistic Or voluptuous but because of the hard earned truth that comes at the cost of tears

The days will come and pass by,      
Soon we will meet the end of life        
For the short halt till we are here,        
I look up to you as my soul's mirror        
I hadn't seen anything, the love and divine,        
Till you came and the mysteries unwind     
You fueled my emotions you made me fight,        
The monsters within and the monotonous life        
With all these years of ups and downs,        
You remained calm and the courageous you sound        
I feel satiated with my mind nourished and soul,        
Just smile at me once more when the death knocks at our door...

You deserve to be here
There's nothing to prove
Just be yourself
You've got nothing to lose
 
The other day, I cracked my chest open and shared my heart with a new friend
Comparison was her name
A rumored thief of joy, or somethin'
 
Like a fool, I thought she'd make an exception out of me
Maybe, she'd spare the knife in my back, and the joy thievery  
 
Too bad it took a couple of breakdowns
before I'd realize my happiness went unfound,
And she'd left my spirits for dead
 
My nerves became numb bunches like knotted string
And with no one to sing my praises,
I couldn't feel a thing
 
"Be positive, be positive, be positive!"
My mantra for when things went downhill
Nothing was working, that shit was overrated, overkill

...

It was time to be real honest
To skip the usual, fill-in-the-blank responses
 
No more, "I'm tired," and, "I'm so out of it"
It was time to claim this dysfunctional, dysregulated mess
Like a winning prize with my name on it
 
No more doing things solely for the pleasure of others, but for the healing of my heart
We all remember when I shared it with a ruthless friend, at the start, right?
 
I released the weight I learned to carry for others, and watched it fall to the ground
My feet immediately lost contact with Earth, and I set off towards the clouds
 
And in this lightness that my soul never knew,
I whispered to myself:
 
You deserve to be here
There's nothing to prove
Just be yourself
You've got nothing to lose

I run when it’s too hot,    
and I don’t take water,  
to see how fucking  
far I can get before    
my brain blacks out    
and my heart explodes.  
   
Just to prove to myself    
I still have one.  
   
I’m not sure anymore.    
   
There’s something    
really broken in me,    
and I crave the    
physical pain    
of pushing too far.    
   
Some days,    
the steadfast lull    
of one-foot-in-front    
of the other    
is the only time    
I’m sure    
I’m here.    
   
I run to test fate,    
to cheat God,    
and clear my head    
for a few hours.    
 
I run to stop    
the screaming.    
   
The sink-to-my-knees  
face-to-the-wall,    
hands-covering-ears  
screaming    
whyfucknohowstopitcantbelikethisIcantdoitanymore  
that    
echoes behind my    
untroubled fakeface  
   
every minute    
every minute    
of every day.    
   
I run.    
I run far distances,  
too far for mortals,  
until my skin sloughs,    
and my toenails fall off.    
   
I run until the chafing    
of the seam of my    
sweat-soaked sports bra    
after 10,  
after 20,    
after 30    
fucking    
miles    
mutes    
the internal  
keening.    
   
Because I can ice down    
my shaking muscles,    
and throw some KT tape    
on my aching joints;    
I can rub a little icy hot in    
my tendons
    
and it’ll stop hurting eventually.    
It always does.    
it always does.    
   
I run because    
they don’t make    
KT tape for the mind.  
   
They don’t make    
ice packs for my    
swollen    
soul.