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Finish line

I run when itís too hot,    
and I donít take water,  
to see how fucking  
far I can get before  
my brain blacks out †  
and my heart explodes. †
†  
Just to prove to myself †  
I still have one. †
†  
Iím not sure anymore. †  
†  
Thereís something †  
really broken in me, †  
and I crave the †  
physical pain †  
of pushing too far. †  
†  
Some days, †  
the steadfast lull †  
of one-foot-in-front †  
of the other †  
is the only time †  
Iím sure †  
Iím here. †  
†  
I run to test fate, †  
to cheat God, †  
and clear my head †  
for a few hours. †  

I run to stop †  
the screaming. †  
†  
The sink-to-my-knees †
face-to-the-wall, †  
hands-covering-ears †
screaming †  
whyfucknohowstopitcantbelikethisIcantdoitanymore †
that †  
echoes behind my †  
untroubled fakeface †
†  
every minute †  
every minute †  
of every day. †  
†  
I run. †  
I run far distances, †
too far for mortals, †
until my skin sloughs, †  
and my toenails fall off. †  
†  
I run until the chafing †  
of the seam of my †  
sweat-soaked sports bra †  
after 10, †
after 20, †  
after 30 †  
fucking †  
miles †  
mutes †  
the internal †
keening. † †
†  
Because I can ice down †  
my shaking muscles, †  
and throw some KT tape †  
on my aching joints; †  
I can rub a little icy hot in †  
my tendons
††  
and itíll stop hurting eventually. †  
It always does. †  
it always does. †  
†  
I run because †  
they donít make †  
KT tape for the mind. †
†  
They donít make †  
ice packs for my †  
swollen †  
soul.
Betty
Written by Betty
Published
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