Those Dark Depressive Days

 
silence crept around me on my darkened days
struggling to feel alive
when my body just wanted to give up

I look on as the world continued with its machine
the sun was shining people were on their way two and froe
I sat on my deck watching feeling too bad to participate

depression set in and I retreated inside myself
curled inward my only defense
negative thoughts circled and I hurt

clawing my way across the yard
lungs wheezing and congested I ache
I made it to the garden but it wasn't the same

everything beautiful looked pretty to mock my state
I took in the lovely and felt isolated in the pain

I'm better today I seek entrance
the day welcome her sick child
back to her bossom

   
Why do I torture myself?      
whispers my inner ask    
     
Strength      
independence      
a small bit of allure      
cleverness      
intelligence      
all. meaningless.    
     
Not even      
attuned wit      
was enough      
to stop me      
from having your words      
gouge doubt directly      
into my psyche      
     
I blindingly allowed fresh air to curdle      
with sugar coated poison      
     
And oh how I despise myself      
for being so easily fooled      
{for being a fool}      
by acutely disguised      
condescension    
infuriatingly      
mansplained away      
with ease      
and polished      
savoir faire    
     
I still barely believe      
the astonishing attempt      
aimed at dictating "direction"    
towards any      
remarkably relevant    
minute part      
of my hard admitted thoughtfulness      
     
You don't get to determine my worth    
     
Or pretend      
you even remotely      
understand.      
     
Not after      
using feigned concern    
cloaked e-diatribes    
that served as nothing more than      
manipulative word salads      
meant to harm,    
question      
hurt where it hurts most    
all while expertly twisting      
things into being my fault    
with passive aggressive      
guilt and belittling      
wordplay      
     
You initited      
reaching out      
'so selflessly'      
offering yourself up-    
cooing assurances    
'those soothing kindnesses'      
wrapped up in    
a tantalizing erudite nonchalance      
     
The kind      
'we mere women'    
even clever ones      
swoon over      
and love to instinctively covet,      
so much so      
that any inkling(s) otherwise      
were hidden deep  
and ignored without ado  
     
A warning sign    
my life experience    
should have simply recognized    
and sounded an alarm to      
at the very first mention      
of him not ever being      
'the bad guy'    
.      
.      
.      
.      
Evolving—    
becoming a better version of myself    
seems pointlessly futile      
     
When I couldn't even      
see the forest      
for the trees      
     
of knowing better.      
     
......      
     
 

At first, you entered unnoticed
And curled up quietly beside me.
As a tiny child, I asked no questions;
Assumed you lived there too.
Sometimes, you would follow me around
So I would pick you up and take you where I went.
An inconvenience for a season,
You would suddenly slink off without a word.
I'd look around, and you'd be gone.
Yet nobody seemed to notice.

As I grew older,
I'd sometimes hear your footsteps on the path;
Anticipate your knock upon the door.
I'd let you in without ceremony, ambivalent,
Neither pleased nor alarmed;
We just... coexisted.
One day, I took you to school and realised
That this wasn't quite the norm.
That if my friends knew people like you,
They weren't discussing it.
Perhaps it was just me.

On the cusp of adulthood,
Your visits became more frequent;
Your knocking more insistent.
At times I would ignore the door
But you'd barge in all the same.
Unbidden yet familiar,
You became a constant companion
Though not one I would choose.
I didn't know what you wanted from me,
But you took it anyway:
My years, my confidence,
Experiences, opportunities,
Chances at relationships,
My first-class degree,
My first career.

On finding out I wasn't the only one,
I dared to ask your name
And finally discovered
That we are not friends or housemates
Needing to muddle along.
Rather, you are a thorn in my side
And are best ignored.
If I can't ignore you
Or pretend to ignore,
I will use you for my own ends;
Take back some of what was mine.
Never again will I answer the door to you.
If you break and enter,
I will suck the life out of you
And feed it to my Notes and Words.

Nobody saw you enter
And you didn’t bother to knock.
I don’t know how long you’ve been hiding here,
Though with hindsight, I might have known.
You turned down the volume,
Yet somehow increased the noise.
You dimmed the lights
And filled the air with a strange electric charge.
Dark netting screened out the real world -
It could still be seen, but seemed so far away
With no obvious means of return.
You turned up gravity
And spread treacle all over the floor,
Making it difficult to move.
You interfered with time,
Which moved so slowly that its hands creaked with pain.
Mere moments seemed like eternity.

All of this, I took in my stride,
Until things started to disappear.
I noticed that my reserves of patience and perseverance,
Courage and confidence were depleted.
You undoubtedly added them
To your collection of other stolen goods:
Months, grades, opportunities and jobs.

When winter came
And nightfall grew ever earlier,
I had no choice:
You had to leave.
The curtain of darkness outside
Merely enveloped
The blackness, heaviness and illusion of isolation
That you’d created inside, by
Playing havoc with controls
That did not belong to you.
It was difficult to evict someone
Whose presence spread like tendrils
Into every corner, every crevice;
Everything that could be touched.

Even when you’re gone,
Your traces cling to all I think and feel,
Altering life’s colours with such subtle shading
And somehow creating beauty despite yourself
Which can be seen by those who choose to find it.

i
 It was a rude awakening:
flung into a maelstrom that wasn't mine,
for weeks, I kept watch over you;
stood guard like a human umbrella,
hoping the elements would batter  
this old wood instead.
But lightning struck your core
and the damage was done.

ii
Clouds blackened, as gusts were gathering.
I did not want to read the signs.
Very soon, it was pouring again.
Rain hammered us both:
me and you, shelter-less.
This storm was hard to bear—  
cascading sheets of rain falling
as the wind howled.
 
iii
The third time was deceptive.
It rained down hard,
though at times so briefly
that I almost missed it.
As it settled into a steady downpour,
you asked me in despair
if it would ever stop.
 
iv
You ventured squinting
into the sunlight.
Look behind you...
don't you see how far you've come?

One more day.
Just hours old, but
Sleepless weeks have made it weary.
Has it really just begun?
Still the sun rises.
Restlessness.

Losing the fight
But can't give up.
Try to forget, though always aware;
No rest now as pain blurs dreams.
Feeling, denying, pretending.

Striving, grasping, falling.

So much to feel
That time slows down.
Crushing intensity of thoughts
Hurts all over.  Emotions strong;
Expression fails.  They're
Locked inside.

Striving, grasping, fallen.

Almost restored; never the same.
Battle scars are reminders of
Emotional surgery
Needed to bring change;
Caused by change.