Poetry competition CLOSED 15th February 2021 10:27am
WINNER
Honoria
Honoria
RUNNER-UP:
ReggiePoet
LMAO
Poetry Contest Description
Submit one humorous poem, old or new. Poem must be your own. It can be any form or style 30 lines or less. Winners will be judged on grammar, spelling and most importantly on how hard you make me laugh..
Competition modified several times on 2/8/21 to make rules clear and nothing more. Any questions, feel free to ask.
Retired!
Grass to mow! It’s too hot!
I don’t know what I thought
When I promised to clean up the lawn
Out of gas! Gotta’ go!
Drag my ass, take some dough
Fill this can, so that I can keep on
I am done! Summer’s heat
from the sun has me beat!
Putrid stench from some dead little rat
In the bed by the walk
under dead flower stalks
What’s the use of my owning a cat?
Thowing up, choke and retch,
"Pick it up!" She’ll kvetch
My old hag doesn’t care that I’m tired
So she’ll bitch and she’ll moan
That old witch surely knows
Just how much I hate being retired!
I don’t know what I thought
When I promised to clean up the lawn
Out of gas! Gotta’ go!
Drag my ass, take some dough
Fill this can, so that I can keep on
I am done! Summer’s heat
from the sun has me beat!
Putrid stench from some dead little rat
In the bed by the walk
under dead flower stalks
What’s the use of my owning a cat?
Thowing up, choke and retch,
"Pick it up!" She’ll kvetch
My old hag doesn’t care that I’m tired
So she’ll bitch and she’ll moan
That old witch surely knows
Just how much I hate being retired!
Written by ReggiePoet
(Reggie)
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Shorn of Hetaera
(seventeen of 30 - Official DUP NaPo/GloPoWrimo 2020)
I need a lover for life
Eat together
Cook SPAM and rice
Tend to the Garden
I do not need a wife
I need a lover for lease
Whisper the secrets
of the universe
in one another’s ears
Piece by Piece
I need a lover for rent
We’ll get a room
& pretend
it’s a one-night-stand
I need a lover who can
be anyone
maybe everyone
because I am
getting tired of using
my hand!
____________________
#NaPoWriMo2020
75 words
51 unique
I need a lover for life
Eat together
Cook SPAM and rice
Tend to the Garden
I do not need a wife
I need a lover for lease
Whisper the secrets
of the universe
in one another’s ears
Piece by Piece
I need a lover for rent
We’ll get a room
& pretend
it’s a one-night-stand
I need a lover who can
be anyone
maybe everyone
because I am
getting tired of using
my hand!
____________________
#NaPoWriMo2020
75 words
51 unique
Written by Tallen
(earth_empath)
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Booze
I am not ready to die..
I know what they did in ancient Rome..
This booze on me won't let me lie..
Hey! Dominus come get me out of this ludu..
The least effect from this booze..
Made me feel I am the only mafia in the hood..
Teleporting Waterloo..
Dull enough believing I am a guru..
Boldly thinking I wore a bullet proof..
Running naked through the streets of Honolulu..
The effects of this booze are not so cool..
Never ever seen this confusion at point Mugu..
Burst ups like I am walking on balloons..
Still don't know if I forced myself into the building..
Call on the ushers to attend..
Please come give me a solution..
Not one of you should mess with me or keep me in the loop..
Tell you what I'm such a bully..
Now all I need is just a tool..
Back there some girl dropped her dildo..
I know what they did in ancient Rome..
This booze on me won't let me lie..
Hey! Dominus come get me out of this ludu..
The least effect from this booze..
Made me feel I am the only mafia in the hood..
Teleporting Waterloo..
Dull enough believing I am a guru..
Boldly thinking I wore a bullet proof..
Running naked through the streets of Honolulu..
The effects of this booze are not so cool..
Never ever seen this confusion at point Mugu..
Burst ups like I am walking on balloons..
Still don't know if I forced myself into the building..
Call on the ushers to attend..
Please come give me a solution..
Not one of you should mess with me or keep me in the loop..
Tell you what I'm such a bully..
Now all I need is just a tool..
Back there some girl dropped her dildo..
Written by Numer90
(Numer0-un0)
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One minute man
Fuck me
Is it me or my age
Now these days
Having sex
Lasting one minute
It's not pretty
Fuck me
What's wrong with me
I'm in my late s 30 s
I work, read and exercise
Jog a few miles
Eating right chewing & swallowing vitamins
Walk my dog
Stay out of trouble
I'm Drug free
Drink wine on the regular
Go to church every Sunday
Treat my wife like everyday is Christmas
Remembering those youth days
lasting for hours
Now I'm living days very grays
Crying in a
Less empty sticky river
Shooting blanks
is tough to swallow
Feeling tire
Feeling old sucks
Don't tell me I need Viagra
As soon as she
open s her bra
I cum too quickly
This is worst then fucking a bipolar female
Is like living point less
Fucking stress
Drinking energy drinks
Fuck you red bull
Monster who
I guess you
Between the sheets
Very sadden
Fuck playing John Madden
Growing pains
Cums stains
on my new bed sheets
Wasted sperm
When will I learn
When we get old
It's very cold
My dick is not Shazam
Will she leave me ?
she will leave me tomorrow.
I am sure of it this time
In 60 seconds I lost my prime
I guess It's god plan
Today I understand
I'm just a human being
Just like you
What a VERY extraordinary thing!”
Call me
The one minute man
Is it me or my age
Now these days
Having sex
Lasting one minute
It's not pretty
Fuck me
What's wrong with me
I'm in my late s 30 s
I work, read and exercise
Jog a few miles
Eating right chewing & swallowing vitamins
Walk my dog
Stay out of trouble
I'm Drug free
Drink wine on the regular
Go to church every Sunday
Treat my wife like everyday is Christmas
Remembering those youth days
lasting for hours
Now I'm living days very grays
Crying in a
Less empty sticky river
Shooting blanks
is tough to swallow
Feeling tire
Feeling old sucks
Don't tell me I need Viagra
As soon as she
open s her bra
I cum too quickly
This is worst then fucking a bipolar female
Is like living point less
Fucking stress
Drinking energy drinks
Fuck you red bull
Monster who
I guess you
Between the sheets
Very sadden
Fuck playing John Madden
Growing pains
Cums stains
on my new bed sheets
Wasted sperm
When will I learn
When we get old
It's very cold
My dick is not Shazam
Will she leave me ?
she will leave me tomorrow.
I am sure of it this time
In 60 seconds I lost my prime
I guess It's god plan
Today I understand
I'm just a human being
Just like you
What a VERY extraordinary thing!”
Call me
The one minute man
Written by Trome
Go To Page
The unfortunate meeting of a Choad
She went out to get laid
at a private club
ordered a few martinis,
it came with a sensual rub
then in walked the man
of her dreams
shirtless In loose
fitting jeans
when low and behold
he dropped his pants
performed a goofy dance
an out fell his choad!
“WHOA!”
The most hated cock & balls
known to mankind, it’s known
to make women go blind!
possessing and taking over their souls
“Oh No!” the dreaded choad!
Meh,
a fist full of dollars an
a cheap bottle of wine later
an she’s hooked, the rope- a-dope
fast at work with a drunken smirk,
she slurps then burps 😁
at a private club
ordered a few martinis,
it came with a sensual rub
then in walked the man
of her dreams
shirtless In loose
fitting jeans
when low and behold
he dropped his pants
performed a goofy dance
an out fell his choad!
“WHOA!”
The most hated cock & balls
known to mankind, it’s known
to make women go blind!
possessing and taking over their souls
“Oh No!” the dreaded choad!
Meh,
a fist full of dollars an
a cheap bottle of wine later
an she’s hooked, the rope- a-dope
fast at work with a drunken smirk,
she slurps then burps 😁
Written by Zazzles
(Broomie)
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Lunch Date
A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket,
they ate moth ball and mushroom pie,
Mr Snail the waiter, came two hours later,
with a drink that could close one eye.
Now these snippets are prone, if they're left alone,
to finding small pieces of cheese,
when the cricket partook and his other eye shut,
snippet danced a re-verse strip tease.
But the problem you see and I say this with glee,
is that cricket, finally came round
and there in his lap, the snippet was sat,
by seven jumpers, four bra's she was bound.
Cricket jumped up and his fist he shook,
at the clothes ball, that fell on the floor,
over garments all gone, screamed, what have you done,
his mistake was in closing the door.
With madness afoot, miss snippet jumped up
and swigged on her eye closing brew,
they set off in a dance, called lost underpants
and from that moment on, they just knew.
Blue bells chimed, just in time
as the cockroach arrived at the gate,
with snail as the vicar, it could have gone quicker,
they swapped rings at a quarter to eight.
The weather was mild and she heavy with child
felt the urge, to call for the cricket,
he brought hot water, she gave him a daughter,
a mischievous, bouncing young snicket.
they ate moth ball and mushroom pie,
Mr Snail the waiter, came two hours later,
with a drink that could close one eye.
Now these snippets are prone, if they're left alone,
to finding small pieces of cheese,
when the cricket partook and his other eye shut,
snippet danced a re-verse strip tease.
But the problem you see and I say this with glee,
is that cricket, finally came round
and there in his lap, the snippet was sat,
by seven jumpers, four bra's she was bound.
Cricket jumped up and his fist he shook,
at the clothes ball, that fell on the floor,
over garments all gone, screamed, what have you done,
his mistake was in closing the door.
With madness afoot, miss snippet jumped up
and swigged on her eye closing brew,
they set off in a dance, called lost underpants
and from that moment on, they just knew.
Blue bells chimed, just in time
as the cockroach arrived at the gate,
with snail as the vicar, it could have gone quicker,
they swapped rings at a quarter to eight.
The weather was mild and she heavy with child
felt the urge, to call for the cricket,
he brought hot water, she gave him a daughter,
a mischievous, bouncing young snicket.
Written by Razzerleaf
Go To Page
zeus joint
Looking for an empty page
I swallow my bitter taste
I inhale and pray to Nemesis
as my least suicidal tendencies
May it finishes and starts all over again
May I mentally visit rates I've been
and a wish for love around the world
from the biggest joint for all souls on board
Hey, Sun, why don't you light it up?
As some gaze and as some have a nap
with a sunscreen veil upon our eyes
scattered cheers each time a planet dies
I ask, 'what may be inside a black hole?'
May be a Titan holding a giant roll
If he blew to Earth , we 'd live in peace
but would be as happy as a yellowfish
I swallow my bitter taste
I inhale and pray to Nemesis
as my least suicidal tendencies
May it finishes and starts all over again
May I mentally visit rates I've been
and a wish for love around the world
from the biggest joint for all souls on board
Hey, Sun, why don't you light it up?
As some gaze and as some have a nap
with a sunscreen veil upon our eyes
scattered cheers each time a planet dies
I ask, 'what may be inside a black hole?'
May be a Titan holding a giant roll
If he blew to Earth , we 'd live in peace
but would be as happy as a yellowfish
Written by personanongrata
(Astral Gift)
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Tinfoil Hats
“When did America lose touch with reality?
After all we all know the Earth is flat...”
I'll get my tinfoil hat and come back on that.
Suddenly, people believe in things I know they didn't learn in school
They try to make a believer in facts, feel like a fool
I'd blame it on the schools, but half went to school with me
Why don't they see the same world I see?
Maybe it's that I never did drugs
Maybe they didn't get enough hugs
Maybe aliens filled their minds with bugs....
Damn it.. now I'm thinking like they do
It's not like I believe the world is controlled by a select few..
(I know, because I got my info from Q.. or was it B or S, I know.. it's BS..)
I get the feeling of not being in control
The weight of that can take it's toll
But really?
Those Hollywood girls are being hypnotized
That's why they dress that way, look into their eyes...
(all I can see is money)
The Democrats are eating babies
(That's the kind of thing that gets you rabies)
And child porn is all the rage at the Pizza Palace
(You took the wrong pill Alice)
You remember common sense?
When did we lose it?
That's it.. I'm taking my tinfoil hat and going home
After all we all know the Earth is flat...”
I'll get my tinfoil hat and come back on that.
Suddenly, people believe in things I know they didn't learn in school
They try to make a believer in facts, feel like a fool
I'd blame it on the schools, but half went to school with me
Why don't they see the same world I see?
Maybe it's that I never did drugs
Maybe they didn't get enough hugs
Maybe aliens filled their minds with bugs....
Damn it.. now I'm thinking like they do
It's not like I believe the world is controlled by a select few..
(I know, because I got my info from Q.. or was it B or S, I know.. it's BS..)
I get the feeling of not being in control
The weight of that can take it's toll
But really?
Those Hollywood girls are being hypnotized
That's why they dress that way, look into their eyes...
(all I can see is money)
The Democrats are eating babies
(That's the kind of thing that gets you rabies)
And child porn is all the rage at the Pizza Palace
(You took the wrong pill Alice)
You remember common sense?
When did we lose it?
That's it.. I'm taking my tinfoil hat and going home
Written by TimWombles
Go To Page
Joker's final Joke
He flipped his cards from his sleeves
came up with none so he got peeved
A lone card fell from the ceiling above
Fell on the floor, he saw it was the Joker
He announced to his unamused audience
He would be called the Joker from then on
He looked at them angry and mortified
for none smiled not even smirked
So he took his gun from his pocket
Shoot at everyone with hate
The gun shoot out red and blue bangs
from its snout, that fell to the floor
In fiery rage he found out
it was a prop pistol all the time
So he put it to his head
and shoot himself quite dead
The joker will never find out why
He got blown away that day
he forgot his left held the prop
and his right held the gun
came up with none so he got peeved
A lone card fell from the ceiling above
Fell on the floor, he saw it was the Joker
He announced to his unamused audience
He would be called the Joker from then on
He looked at them angry and mortified
for none smiled not even smirked
So he took his gun from his pocket
Shoot at everyone with hate
The gun shoot out red and blue bangs
from its snout, that fell to the floor
In fiery rage he found out
it was a prop pistol all the time
So he put it to his head
and shoot himself quite dead
The joker will never find out why
He got blown away that day
he forgot his left held the prop
and his right held the gun
Written by Grace
(IDryad)
Go To Page
Bananas
Bananas are life
The key to every housewife
Bananas are great
They make me salivate
Bananas are beautiful
They keep my mouthful
Bananas are yellow
For all of the mellow fellows
Bananas are delicious
Who could forget how nutritious
Bananas are all I need
They are great after weed
Bananas are my salvation
They are God's best creation
They give your mouth the best sensation
They keep me away from my strife
Bananas are life
Charlie~
The key to every housewife
Bananas are great
They make me salivate
Bananas are beautiful
They keep my mouthful
Bananas are yellow
For all of the mellow fellows
Bananas are delicious
Who could forget how nutritious
Bananas are all I need
They are great after weed
Bananas are my salvation
They are God's best creation
They give your mouth the best sensation
They keep me away from my strife
Bananas are life
Charlie~
Written by Bigboycharles
Go To Page
So many different Dicks there are
SO MANY DIFFERENT DICKS THERE ARE
One dick two dick blue balls thick dick
sick dick slick dick, phone calls, need chick
This dick looks like green eggs and ham
eager and ready to slam you ma'am
This one's thin and that one's fat
and this one slams like a baseball bat
Hey! This guy's wearing a little hat!
What's its one eye staring at?
That dick's like a mummy pulled from a sarcophagus
while this trunk hangs low like Snuffleupagus
This one's like a toad with eight dicks like an octopus
each shooting its load into your esophagus
This one's rather limp while that one's quite swollen
and seeking a hole to slide a big pole in
This one's like a bowling pin with bowling balls rollin'
Here's a rockin' and rollin' big cock in your colon
This dick rose to be an enormous porn star
and this prick gets a blowjob in his dick shift car
This dick at the bar stuck its tip in the tip jar
So many different dicks there are
One dick two dick blue balls thick dick
sick dick slick dick, phone calls, need chick
This dick looks like green eggs and ham
eager and ready to slam you ma'am
This one's thin and that one's fat
and this one slams like a baseball bat
Hey! This guy's wearing a little hat!
What's its one eye staring at?
That dick's like a mummy pulled from a sarcophagus
while this trunk hangs low like Snuffleupagus
This one's like a toad with eight dicks like an octopus
each shooting its load into your esophagus
This one's rather limp while that one's quite swollen
and seeking a hole to slide a big pole in
This one's like a bowling pin with bowling balls rollin'
Here's a rockin' and rollin' big cock in your colon
This dick rose to be an enormous porn star
and this prick gets a blowjob in his dick shift car
This dick at the bar stuck its tip in the tip jar
So many different dicks there are
Written by archie23
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Four 'Always' In Four Lines For Tight Jean Back Pockets
Shit inherited, always, not proportionate to meekness exhibited...
Not, always, a happy meeting when you, finally, find yourself...
Dreams are not, always, killed... Occasionally, they die natural deaths...
Truth
is, always, elsewhere
and never in the middle...
Not, always, a happy meeting when you, finally, find yourself...
Dreams are not, always, killed... Occasionally, they die natural deaths...
Truth
is, always, elsewhere
and never in the middle...
Written by takis1917
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