Show Us Your Conflict

This thing called love I can't gasp I can't comprehend it I don't understand it but I have it I feel it it moves me it talks to me it consumes me  or is it all in my head

This thing called love has no boundaries it has no end it has no explanations it has no doubts it has no worries it has no regrets it has no remorse so pain grieve & hurt coincides with it?

This thing called love is pure it knows no darkness it knows no weakness it knows nothing but happiness it knows nothing but sincerity it knows nothing but peace it knows nothing more but contentment it knows nothing but the best so along side Webster & Merriam the world got it twisted!

This thing called love doesn't comes from earth it doesn't comes with no warning labels it doesn't comes with instructions it doesn't comes with no destinations it doesn't comes with a pause, a stop or rewind.

This thing called love only knows play it only knows Go!!! It only knows forgiveness it only knows freedom it only knows all in which it knows..... And we took it and abused it missing its meaning all together to this thing call "LOVE

Four final words:
“You are not enough”

I am swallowing razor blades-
cutting out my own tongue;
destroying the evidence

Try to feel regret
 
One more exasperated sigh
One last trip to the ER

I am mopping up the puddles of
My own blood
Erase me

Try to feel regret

One last fake cry
One last lie hidden behind a devious smile
One last desperate ‘I love you’
attempting to conceal an abundance of
black and blue adorning virgin flesh like
rare jewelry

Stained skin; pain absorbed

Try to feel regret

One last passive aggressive fuck
One more defiant attempt to self destruct  
One last breath let out with a quiver
One last time down on two
scraped and bloody knees

One last time

Swallowing razor blades


A.W.

1. Why do you kick me down?
Demand I do not embrace my African heritage,
 and in the same breath put me on a pedestal for having slightly lighter skin?
As if the closer I am to white... the more beautiful I become;
as if immense amounts of melanin,
skin glimmering like gold beneath the sunlight is a bad thing.

2. Dear white people,
your ignorance is dangerous.
Why do you take your, “freedom of expression,” so far?
How can you still deny racism
as you sit confidently, arguing with a stranger on Facebook that
#alllivesmatter while the George Zimmerman trial plays on the television behind you?
 
It is only background noise.

3. How do you not hear the sobs
 of innocent black men,
black women,
children,
black PEOPLE
as they look down on this ‘land of the free’
praying that someone finally has some fucking
mercy;
while you ride around in your truck,
confederate flag blowing in the wind with so much power.

4. That’s a funny word... ‘power.’
I have never know what that feels like.
My father has never known what that feels like.
His brothers and sisters,
his father,
mother, her sisters will NEVER know
how it feels to have power.

but they have all learned to live
in full body armor
to keep their lips sewn intricately shut
with barbed wire.
they have felt the ghosts of shackles
tightly clasped around their ankles
pulling them barefoot across
hot, sharp rocks
inserting themselves so far into the soles of their feet
it turned their souls into sediment.

I am not saying that everything is black and white.
But please remember:
there is no grey area for hatred.

A.W.

 

there are warm welcomes when I get home
there are peaceful greetings on arrival

with
thank you’s
signs of appreciation
serenity
tranquility
with,out
tension
rage
awkwardness
all,though
sumtimes
hate equals
confusion
contaminated and clogged brains
sometimes rain
mostly pain
a lot of complaints with
undressed hugs
under dry ceilings
naked positive facial expressions
yet not
alwaysknot
blessings
but blessed to adapt to this unfairness

there is a happy
or comfortable impression
with
dry shoulders near, luckily there’s a beer
no deep conversations
with acquainted expressions
mad thoughts
depressing thoughts
anxious with anxiety
disappointed at myself while
mad at the world
in love with the thought of
love, comfortand compassion
music on all the time
but interruptions think it’s a crime

solarrays patiently waiting
to melt my skull
sunbeams ready
to drink my fluids sweat and water
brightness ready to shut myeyesmind and time
drained from work
with sore backhandsandlegs
while feeling the headache
while attempting to stay strong
to not feel like I am being
swallowed by multiple corruptions

there is too much money while living
my plate full of food while starving
acid burns the stomach
 
pores pouring
instead of storing
demons roaring
instead
of my body snoring
no souls exploring
or
gaining experience
while constantly ignoring

there are warm welcomes when I get home
there are peaceful greetings on arrival

poetry is never boring

bydk 11/09/18

 
I will be returning home on Friday
back to temptation
I'm feeling anxious

my writing isn't on point
and it's bothering me
I'm used to writing high

I feel naked and afraid
ill prepared to have the drug in my face
I have no choice but to resist temptation
this is no game
it's my life

I will succeed I know it
i'm strong and I have a lot of support
but still the fear creeps in

I continue to have drug nightmares
but now when the meth is in front of me I say no
that's a comfort it would be so easy to give in
it makes me feel good
even my sleeping mind isn't tricked

my days are sometimes hard
but I look forward to the little things
like seeing people I love
my next meal
and even going pee when my bladder is full
I focus on things that feel good
give me relief from my internal ache

I know someday I will write up to my par again
I have to be patient with myself
I've spent most my life high
it will take my brain sometime
it will take me time to find my true voice

 
day three without meth
I feel better today though not good
the biggest issue is mental
meth was created by the Nazis
it was used to keep the soldiers alert
 
later it was used to treat depression
so it alters your brain chemistry
my mind is missing the drug
 
I fought with drug demons all night
horrible dreams chased me out of my sleep
I awoke early today afraid to go back to bed
 
I believe as time passes it will get easier
it's my belief my bipolar  
made me susceptible to this drug
 
I'm really frightened...  
I won't be much of a writer sober
before this I used to write drunk
I don't drink anymore
and I won't be returning...  
to that nightmare either
 
truth is as an adult I've never been sober
starting at seventeen
I used pot, crank, cocaine then heroin
heroin to methadone
spent thirteen years there
 
quit methadone  
was given Xanax by docs at the hospital
seven years saw me there
to alcohol, cocaine and then meth
 
I'm afraid... what if I just can't cut it clean
there is no option I can't fail
I love my husband
I refuse to let my end be addiction
loveless, family-less, possibly homeless
 
I have to be brave and face this
the fears will come I will meet them head on
the nightmares will fade away
 
it will get better with each passing day
mental illness and addiction
the reality is confronting me

 
I walk the stairs
to the parlor
sitting down
I recline
close my eyes
hear the sound
special wavelengths
magnetize
and dissolve
fading pigment
on my finger
where a promise
was once made
 
one year later
after the hatred
I grieve for you
confused
while I remove
this tattooed
wedding ring
familiar sting
effort made
only in vain
lessons learned
the laser snaps
another pang
but this time
it’s my heart
that cries your name
 
 
this weight
is unexpected
 
 
no regrets
know why I left
but still...
I cared for you
I loved you
so as the bruise
begins to fade
I choose to keep
my memories
of our love
just the same
 
you will remain
chromophore
in my veins
 
 
a stain
that I can taste
 
 
a waste
of bloodletting

                
for a helping hand        
is all that I ask        
I do need help        
I need you to help me        
with this problem        
this unresolved        
conflict        
this little thing called        
balance        
       
how many years        
do you think        
I can be patient        
before I feel taken        
for granted        
taken advantage of        
while you brood over        
your own dilemmas        
       
eight years of working out        
your own anthem        
you’ve come to an impasse        
your conclusions are drawn        
“view every day as a miracle  
that you’re alive on this earth”    
yet possess a motto    
of apathy; fuck it all    
       
but some things        
are worth caring        
about        
       
but all that matters to you        
is having fun; the next rush      
while you play games        
and you remain        
happy        
as long as you win        
set up your interactions        
so they will never let you down      
you flaunt your own crown        
of self-righteous justification  
   
and yeah that’s gotten you  
a long way        
through your life        
       
but meanwhile I’m trapped        
on your roller coaster        
of fun and games        
narcissistic ways        
let you skirt your        
obligations        
while I die        
a little more        
inside each day        
       
so I might as well try        
to have fun, right?        
participate with you        
in your delusions        
       
but then you add in        
all these tribulations        
of defeat        
I’m always losing        
                 
your arbitrary        
displays of power        
support your structure        
while I walk on the eggshells    
of your undeserved torture        
       
so how long        
do you think        
I can remain patient        
while your incessant      
searching for release                
devours me?              
 

likely

I like myself
I like myself more
than anyone else
I know. I’ll never love me.
I’m aware of what love does

I would give my all
until there is nothing left
of my heart.
when that’s not enough

would he let me go?
could we go back?
would I be able to
run past that bench
where
he ate every donut, without pain?
could I love
another? would
he let someone else in
having known
I wasn’t enough for me?

bydk 12/05/18