Heartbreak

I'm baffled
how you can take my words
and perplex them
literally twist them into cheap cheat
 
reverse them from statement
...from my I-statement and meaning
into a funny question
a flirt with your dirty fuck-dog
 
my hurt and heartache
expressed in poetry
turned into...  
...your daily pastime flirting
 
have you read me at all? have you felt...
or it is just the deft game
of my plain vocabulary
that touches your dirty mind
 
my tools
my fantasies
my devotion and time
...transfused from your cunt into his dick
 
appears... this is a race
a sparring for inches
but instead to fight and win or lose with half a glans
I'm going after a convincing victory - an Ipon
 
I'm overcoming you
now...
The doors of my erotic world
have just shut down with shatter

Dear stranger! I want to turn into you,
You must be the one, she never looks at nor speaks at, (yet, you would be
      addressed politely and even respected,)
It would never occur to her to insult you, and to think of you as she knows
      everything or anything about you,
You could be her doctor, or lawyer, or therapist – her authority figure she
      seeks for advice, trusts, you’ll get paid in return,
You would stand by her in the tramcar, watch outside from the very same
      window, accidentally rub hips, shoulders with her, or bump your bags,
You are some face on a cover of a paper or a magazine, someone recognisable,
      yet unreachable – someone never expected to be met,
You surely live the modern man life, eat the same, sleep the same, wear clothes
      the same, go places, and buy stuff the same,
I am you and I am not you, as I was her trusted confidant and she was to me
      too,
I am to her a different kind of stranger now, and to her I am not me.


inspiration taken from To a Stranger, Calamus by Walt Whitman

I loved you from the start
my partner in amusement  
always just one more  
before our night was spent  
  
We went shot for shot  
while I was twice your size  
unaware of bedlam pending  
daily dissension, slow to realise    
   
Began as an awkward stumble  
progressed to carrying home  
companion in your intoxication  
no longer could I condone  
   
Injuries incurred were endless  
black eyes, sprained wrists, contusions  
as you fell just like a rag doll    
with no recollection, just delusions  
   
Had you any conception  
the extent of suffering you caused  
me, who infinitely adored you  
could you have ever paused?  
   
Ill prepared for the detriment  
tormented by your anguish  
desperately encouraging you  
yet spirits made you selfish  
   
Enamoured by the person I knew  
confident, I could love you well  
listening, I held you as you cried  
secrets I promised not to tell  
   
With all my heart I tried to heal you  
quite a hefty price to pay  
as you took everything I offered 
and drown in drink anyway  
   
Continuous defeat, crushing  
holding onto hope, sturdy  
I’d save you from yourself  
aware you were worthy  
   
Each day witnessing in horror  
as my wife became an empty shell  
dying as I watched you self-destruct  
existing in my private hell  
   
-  
   
Heart-breaking it was    
expressing a sorrowful goodbye  
to the lover that tried to save me  
piercing pain shall enduringly reside  
   
Bestowing all you had within  
until you'd nothing more to give  
far too toxic to remain  
I was broken without will to live  
   
We mourned our losses  
spouses, friends and more  
the future we had planned  
we had to close the door  
   
I am sorry I did not love myself  
as to deliver all you deserved  
forever in my heart  
a place will be reserved

He was there for me when my first tear fell
He wiped it away.
I wasn't sure of myself,
I wasn't sure of anything,
But I felt like giving him a chance.
I put my heart in his hands as I trusted him every step of the way.
I followed him blindly while hoping he will be my real Prince Charming,
I guess I must be a stupid fool who will always be left with a barefoot waiting alone.

There is no such thing as happy endings,
There is no such thing as perfect fairy tales,
There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor,
There is no such thing as perfect romance,
There is no such thing as love.

When you fall in love you fall hoping there will be someone there to catch you,
Well every time I fell I only fell to hit the concrete ground.
Falling down on my face like an idiot wishing if I could I would rewind time and do everything all over again, but where would the fun be in that right?.
I only wanted love,
I only wanted joy,
I only want to feel alive for a change.
So tell me what's the shame in all of that?.
Can't I be happy for once in my life?.

There is no such thing as happy endings,
There is no such thing as perfect fairy tales,
There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor,
There is no such thing as perfect romance,
There is no such thing as love.

When you told me you loved me I felt like a child on it's birthday,
I believed you loved me,
I wasn't second guessing you nor was I worried that you didn't love me.
I felt like I was for once complete.
But you didn't really feel the same way did you?.
'Cause now I pay the price for being so dumb and naïve for believing I mattered to you let alone to anyone I come across.
So now I'll keep in mind for next time that I'm incapable of feeling love.

There is no such thing as happy endings,
There is no such thing as perfect fairy tales,
There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor,
There is no such thing as perfect romance,
There is no such thing as love.

I remembered when we first met,
you saw me as I saw you from across the room.
Standing tall, dark, and handsome I fell apart right then and there at not just shyness but in awe of your gentle sex appeal to your smooth, soft spoken voice to your lean, but fit built that was definitely so beautiful to me.
I remembered how you came up to me and smiled at me with a smile that made me feel like fainting as it was so perfect and big yet so bright.
As months would go by we became closer and my attraction was getting deeper I knew at first it was wrong because I was already taken, so I never did anything about it because I'm not that kind of woman so I bottled up all of my feelings inside and tried to hide them.
But how could I not express how I felt especially when after all the things we said and done together that made me feel like I was already yours?.
As my last relationship deteriorated I lost faith in love all together as I felt only loneliness by my side feeling there would never be a chance I'd be happy again or maybe I was wrong?.
One cold morning you called me to confine in me as you needed comfort and help,
So we talked for hours and hours on the phone catching up on so much, flirting so innocently, telling each other memories till finally it led up to you confessing you felt something for me and me confessing I've felt something for you too, then you asked " so what are we going to do?"
We decided to be together.
You had me floating on air as my heart beat faster than a hummingbird and a race horse combined, I was happy, I was in love.
I felt so untouchable knowing I finally had you it was like a beautiful dream that you didn't want to end,
It was like finding that precious, rare gem that you get to keep.
My love was truly for real and to find someone else to take your place would probably take me a thousand years for you were the one that convinced me it was love at first sight.
Now that you're gone I miss you every day.
I miss your kiss,
I miss your lips,
I miss your eyes,
I miss your soul,
I miss your warm embrace,
I miss your voice,
I miss your hands,
Most of all I miss you;

Come back to me please,
I love you.
I want you back.
Please, please because I can't live without you.
Come back to me.
Tell me who am I going to lean on when times get rough?,
Who will talk to me when things get tough?,
Who's gonna wish me goodnight every night?.
It has to be you, please come back to me.

I can't sleep, I cry myself every night thinking about you
I can't eat,
I can't dream I am all messed up inside and the only reason why is because of you.
Because when you left I lost a part of me it's so hard to be apart from you please can't you see that everything we are is meant to be?.
You got me feeling like going crazy as I want to dismiss who you were to me while on the other hand I'm screaming inside " don't let go!"
Because all of my life I've prayed and wished for a man like you so tell me how can I just forget about you?.
You gave me all that I needed when others couldn't even spare a minute,
You were a real man not a faker, You were so honest and sincere with me.
There were no lies, no weird excuses.
But tell me why did you have to leave me?
Why did you leave me like this?.

Come back to me please,
I love you.
I want you back.
Please, please because I can't live without you.
Come back to me.
Tell me who am I going to lean on when times get rough?,
Who will talk to me when things get tough?,
Who's gonna wish me goodnight every night?.
It has to be you, please come back to me.

I see sorrow in the rain. A pain I can't sustain. A fire trapped within that can't be tamed. It pours heavy but the flame remains the same.

One side
My side
Your side
Both sides

Burn to ash quick and fast. The past crashes a new beginning from even beginning because my side is still lit.

Where did you go? Where are you now? Can you save me from the disaster that topples one after another?

Do you hear my cries? Do you see I try?

Your truth equal "honest"
My truth equal "lies"

My story equal truth
Your story equal nonexistent
We were in this together. What can I do to make you believe in me.

Not chosen
On the sidelines
Broken
Kicked out of the game
 
Standing outside the circle
Not good enough
Standing on my toes
Not tall enough to see over their heads
 
I should be an artist
Painted a smile on my face
And no one even noticed
I'm in so much pain
 
Piano plays
Through these earphones
Pacing in a maze  
From these sad songs
 
You ignored my message
Having to find the exit
On my own
 
I thought we had a connection
But the truth is
I'm alone  
 
Messed up
Making me want to stop
Bringing me back to where I was
Ashamed I haven't been positive
 
Pain is in the air
You're warm under my hair
I'm cold in space
floating past worlds
Drifting away
 
After the shaky voice in the end
I'm faced with silence
And wet eyelashes  
Again.
And again
 
10/30/17 12:11a.m.