Heartbreak

   
     
     
all light has lapsed      
     
     from my life      
     
since you last left      
     
     all dreams  all joy      
     
all hopes have died      
     
     since you last spoke      
     
your painful lies      
     
     now it seems  
   
and feels  
   
     my sufferings      
     
without end      
     
     so too the pain      
     
youve claimed to feel      
     
     in your heart      
   
for me  
     
     i pray will never      
     
heal  nor end      
     
     surprised myself      
     
to find and hear      
     
     this vengeful heart      
     
youve borne in me      
     
     yet of all the cold      
     
cruel lies you told      
     
     the one that    
   
hurt me most      
     
     was the greatest      
     
lie of all      
     
     you told      
     
i bought    
   
     hook  line    
   
and sinker
   
     the painful    
   
grievous lie    
     
     of your    
     
so called    
     
     love      
     
itself            
     
     a love    
   
so clear to me    
   
     now    
   
that never    
   
     truly was    
   
at all    
 
 
 

Love dont exist and forever don't last

My heart is numb because of my past. Correcting the wrongs will be a long task.
A dead end streak setting me up for misfortune. Yea a relationship sounds good but is it really worth it?

Love is said to be something special but it seems to be only given to the undeserving. Why must I care?. Why must I be the only person hurting? "Nice guys finish last"
Isn't that the truth?  Its sad you'll love me better if I disrespected you. Oh that's not what it is? I just call it how I see it. Arguments and miscommunication, the two main ingredients.
She gets a thrill repeating it.

Obviously born in the wrong generation because love these days is more like lets meet up at this location. Have sex and play with our bodies. I mean that's cool but where's the connection? Where's the bond?  Why are these things now frowned upon.
Thought she wanted something different , they all say they want something different. Kind of hard to notice any difference messing with the same kind of ni**as.

Love don't exist and Forever don't last.
At least for me that is. Want to know why? It's funny you asked. Look around and tell me what you see. "If it's meant to be then it will be." Sounds like a lot of bullshit to me.

Daddy,
    Six years ago ended your yearly visits, now in your mid seventies I got it or so I thought. Increasing my call from every few months or so to nearly monthly. Not long, much too quick actually, you'd call leaving random msgs even calling me random names. Caring for my beloved Aunt, her Alzheimer's a slow, agonizing kiss of death. Suspecting the same however yours was venom's quick bite of destruction. Only one month, one Frickin month. Upon calling your 4th and final wife informs, in monotone might I add, your loss of balance causing not only a severely broken nose but a deep fracture of your eye socket she also informed me doc and her placed you in a facility unable to care for you alone, living within walking distance, she has 4 daughter's you raised since toddler's. Still in contact, depressed and highly confused after all didn't your daddy at 98yrs old take care of your mother, also Alzheimer's, with not a single soul in sight not even mentioning a solid retirement from Tampa Bay Elevators, all your hard work supposed to enjoy this fine State. What I couldn't tell you then I am now, before her, 1st, 2nd and 3rd wife, I watched in horror as you unleashed hell's fury, breaking bones yet again while still unhealed. Your 4th wife, believing you a saint, can you imagine her shock at the depths your anger goes. You and I the last of our family and soon I'll stand alone other than a half brother I don't even know anymore. Finally daddy, finally i made the long drive home, over 800 miles of fear, panic and an overwhelming overload of confusion. So much unspeakable violence's, hurt and betrayal. Only you, my very own father, thief of innocence even quicker your massive fist of justice, mostly for imaginary crimes, just to vent your frustrations, my thoughts. The same father silently leaving for Florida while your 9yr old waits in the wintery freeze on concrete steps an entire two whole days as not only hope fades but leaving her alone with two monsters, mother  and sister who makes even Jeffrey Dahmer look angelic, no worries, new 3rd wife and a wee son to boot. Finally bringing me home, 2yrs late, having enough at 15yrs old I scoot myself back to the familiar grandeur of rolling corn fields to bury my incestous Grandfather. Much needed space, time far apart, year's of doggedly working on self, improving learning softening and yes, with your snides disdain vocalized, submitting myself as an official full time lab rat, simply to unbend, straighten what you, my lovely family, succeeded only in curving never fully breaking, knowing me, your daughter had your stubborn streak of iron will, tsk tsk... Seeing you finally after six long year's left me reeling in shock and stunned disbelief. Standing barefoot spine ram-rod straight you topped at 6'7, brawny in strength from installing elevators since your H.S. graduation. Good Gawd daddy at barely 5'0, Alzheimer's deadly destructiveness, no I haven't forgotten your spinal degeneration, same as I, leaving the top of your head no higher than my shoulder. I'm sorry daddy, so very very fu**ing deeply sorry it took me so long to come home. After 6 mo of round the clock care, lucidness armed with bombshells paid it's last visit. Husky baritone resonating clarity you apologized explaining how things got so twisted, not excuses, how ashamed you were while accepting full responsibility. Without pause you dropped the next bombshell. The whopping knowledge of my demented sister your deranged daughter, remaining silent and fully aware, was the incestous love child parented between brother and sister, my uncle my mother, no longer a lone burden, yet again with no pause your final bombshell. Your personal account and feelings of me shooting my own mother, acknowledgement of being done in pure survival mode. Lucidity vanishing as quickly as it's appeared. Stunned, I rexamine, questioning  every and all aspects of me. A befuddling shift, deeper depths, curiously curious??? While reading you your newest WatchTower, two days after Thanksgiving, at exactly 9:18 p.m. the heaviest of sighs had me peeking up, crushing the Bones in my hand as a solitary tear made it's final escape, you left me alone in this detestable world. For the first time in many many years gobs of wet saw the light of day deep into the dark and lonely night, once again left behind. I wish I too had come clean now heavy with regrets burden, this I now write and place among your ashes. No longer hiding behind God, finally worshipping another other than yourself, yes daddy I noticed. I truly hope God has Granted Heaven's Redemption, a tiger never changes it's stripe yet in all honesty I believe you are indeed a changed man, a better man. In death's wake, acceptance in every way possible I am truly your only daughter, an exact replica of you, mirrored images. I love you Daddy beyond scope beyond measure. I miss you so much fu**ing much, thank you for wet tears return, I sorta missed their salty tang. Safe travels daddy, safe travels.  Love forevermore,
                                    
                                 The Squad👣

Sinead. Your name alone begs to be spoken in the whispers of angels. Calls us to sacred silence, while we dream of raging at the sky.        
       
Much like those voices murmuring--ever so softly---from behind closed doors.      
Your grief-stricken parents mustn't overhear your name.      
God, how will they ever hear anything else?!...      
   
Sinead.        
       
Ssshhh....nead!...      
       
How quickly. How quietly. You came and you went.        
In fewer than a hundred sleeps, you softly stole our hearts.        
God, how the silence you've left behind is deafening.

R.