Transformation

I used to be
So gentle, so sweet
Innocent, naive,
Believing I was tough
With my heart on my sleeve

Yes, I was tough
From my father's whippings
And my mother's suicidal irrationality
But fuck, if only I knew what was to come

When I got roped in
I was a loner, a bookworm, an observer
Yet I put on the facade
And suddenly the fake it til you make it
Saying made sense to me
She invited me out, and for once I said yes

Cigarettes, drunken late night drives,
Trespassing, climbing fire escape ladders,
Breaking into buildings, taunting cops
Excitement began to pump constantly in my veins
I couldn't stand being home anymore
An addiction like any other

However
While chasing these highs, you
Begin
To feel your wings burning, falling
You hit the ground after flying along stars
A shooting star that shatters into a fiery, bittersweet
Ocean

That year

I felt smoke in my lungs for the first time
After nodding to the anti commercials and teen warnings
Quickly loving the dizziness and escape
I had my first kiss
On a rooftop, high
And frightened
I found both my first experience drunk
As well as my first blackout
Which resulted in more scars along my back
And a destructive coping method
I lost my virginity
To the boy I kissed first, a monster in disguise
My sheets soaked in alcohol and blood
His hand covering my mouth to hide my cries
And wails of pain
Only a wall separating us from my father's room
I went through my first heartbreak
Over the boy who brought me back from the dead
After the night
But then betrayed, betrayed and lied
I shattered my relationship with my father
His anger becoming more violent,
Locking me out, choking, control
Standing outside my window laughing
As he drilled nails into it

Yet,
That year

I felt my first genuine friendship,
Finding a person I love like family
And would never betray
I had my first love,
Teaching me what it is
The selflessness, the beauty, the depth
I found myself
Growing into who I was
My ideals, my values, even when
They differed so greatly from those
Who surrounded me
I lost my laziness, my shyness,
Never again afraid to be who I am,
To dance and sing when no one else can hear
My music
I went through experiences
That altered, changed me
And now
It takes more than one arrow to bring me down
I shattered my world
And rebuilt it

Learning that life is not living
If you never experience

There was a stench in the air
a fowl stench that is

it smelled of agony
betrayal
anger
hurt
sadness
and most of all, emptiness

In my opinion emptiness is the most common, yet worst aroma that surround everyday life on this planet.

To me the planet is not blue, green, and brown
It is black, white, and every shade of grey
I threw in white because that is where emptiness comes in
not grey because that's sadness
but black is all the putrid smells meshed into one

I call them smells and aromas because they come and go just like emotions
sometime lingering a bit longer when it's stronger

I prefer that over emotions

sometimes I am grey sometimes I am black,
but more so than not, I am white
That may seem like a funny turn of phrase to you
but to me it makes perfect sense

Just like there are aura colors that exist
so does it in the form of a state of mind that covers this planet like a sheet growing thicker and thicker until you can't see through it
just the colors that are in front of you

right now I am just white
I have been that way for a long time now
sometimes I shift between that and various shades of grey
that's just how it is

just black
white
and every shade of grey in between

 

It was Rocky
Yet great like
Those tall mountains
I was in the clouds
When I was with you
Fog had me surrounded
all I could see is you
But that's all I needed
nothing we can't get through
My moutain climber
We could climb Everest
N still go higher
At least I thought so
Until I fell from the summit
Cuz you let go ,
Of my hand, no hope
I can't understand why
She let me fall
to grab someone else's rope

   
I'll tell you what you were.    
   
You were a notch on my bed post,    
locker room bragging rights.    
   
You were a cunt to receive my dick,    
a receiver of my wet dream's emissions.    
   
You were a blonde to follow the redhead,    
not as good as the brunet.    
   
You were way too short, barely up to my chin,    
not fun size at all.    
   
Your boobs were so small, most boys have more,    
couldn't fill a training bra.    
   
You were skinny, arms bony and legs gangly,    
all skeletal angles and points.    
   
You were a slippery mouth with a wet double jointed tongue,    
that swallowed my cum.    
   
Your mop head's hair, never combed, much less fixed,    
made good handles to hold your mouth around my cock.    
   
Your eyes were out of a cartoon, shadowed like a raccoon,  
one green and one blue.    
   
Your fingers were anorexic, without the grip of a noodle,    
barely good to stroke me before I entered you.    
   
Your ass was something to grip with my hands,    
as I unload my cum inside you.    
   
That's why I ignored you when I was with my guys.    
   
So why did it shatter my heart, cause me to sink to my knees,    
and wish I could die?    
   
When you walked out of my life, with a tear in your eye,    
and whispered over your shoulder,    
"I loved you."